Tudor City Girl

Make the Most of What You Have

2012-01-13T16:40:00.003-05:00

I have failed already in my new year resolution to write more.
Happy New Year to everyone! and thank you for the very nice messages.
I'll get back to it. I know I will. The past many months I don't like writing or even thinking so much about my life. I'll tell more next time.

I guess this past year I've realized a lot. Yesterday was a bad day for certain reasons. But then I reminded myself some day things will really be bad and I'll look back on these days as the good ole' ones.

Ah, my life I started writing this blog about. So shallow. So small.
Today I want to share an article of a life lost too soon. A much bigger one.
A story of the power of love, really. And a lesson of what I've fully realized this past year: That no matter how good or how bad things are, life can change in a second. Enjoy the now.

FOX Sports ExclusiveClark family tale tragic, inspiring Share This Story

Written by: Greg Couch has been a national columnist at AOL Fanhouse and The Sporting News and an award-winning columnist at the Chicago Sun-Times.

Annette Clark still wakes up at 6 every morning to bathe her son, Rocky. Habits of caring and love and commitment don’t go away easily. She goes into Rocky’s room, but he isn’t there, of course. Neither is the hospital bed she had returned late last week, after Rocky, who was 27, had died.

Annette Clark cares for her paralyzed son, Rocky Clark, in his bedroom. The former Eisenhower High School football player died on Thursday, Jan. 5.
M. Spencer Green

She had the bed replaced with a couch, though, so she still can go in, sit down, pretend, remember.

“I’m still proud of him right now,’’ she said Thursday night. “Still proud. He was my inspiration. When I felt like giving up, he built me up.’’

In 2000, Rasul “Rocky" Clark, a running back at Eisenhower High School in suburban Chicago, broke two bones in his neck during a game. He became a quadriplegic. On Jan. 5, he died from complications of the hit and from his condition.

And for all those years in between, Rocky was a heroic story of courage and strength of human spirit. That story will be told Saturday, when thousands of people are expected to attend his funeral. He has touched that many people, and more.

But this is about the purity of love between a mother and son. It is already a beautiful thing when it’s whole. The Clarks’ love was challenged in so many ways. It was attacked. So many parts of life and dignity were stripped away. One by one. The healthy body of a young man. The entire outside life of a mother. And then, all of the family money after the coldness of a letter arrived in the mail from an insurance company:

August 15, 2010
This is to acknowledge receipt of your claim.
Please be advised that the maximum medical benefit under this policy has been processed and no further benefits are available.
Sincerely,
CLAIMS OFFICE

Can you imagine? Sincerely, CLAIMS OFFICE.

They deserved better from life in every way, shape and form. But Annette and Rocky never quit. They never lost their dignity, which is a lesson everyone can learn from. They are the best of role models. No matter how much was taken from them, they grew.

“I’m going down to the funeral home (Friday) afternoon,’’ Annette said. “I want to make sure they are taking care of him. I going to bury him in his No. 21 football jersey.’’

On Sept. 15, 2000, four plays into a game, Clark was tackled, and two vertebrae in his neck broke. He spent the next nine months in a hospital. It is impossible to comprehend what Clark went through — a young man on the football and track teams, stronger than most kids, a body so strong and in control. And then all of that is just gone, lost.

All of his bodily functions, out of control. He felt nothing from the neck down. And he was left to lay in bed, with his mother taking care of him, bathing him, brushing his teeth.

“He graduated on time,’’ Annette said. “Once he got home, he wanted to go back to school, that quick.’’

Yes, Rocky finished high school. And he helped to found Gridiron Alliance, a charity that helped families of kids who had suffered catastrophic injuries in sports. His old high school brought him in to be an assistant football coach. He continued his drawings and sketches and planned to attend the Art Institute of Chicago.

How? Naïve as this sounds, I told Annette, I don’t understand how that is possible physically. How did he coach? How did he draw?

“He drew with pencil and paper,’’ she said. “He had a mouth with a stick in it. Beautiful art. Images of a half face, a pit bull, an old car. Some type of monster figure. Nothing wrong with his mouth.’’

What do you want people to know about him?

“That he was a caring, loving boy, and he didn’t feel sorry for himself,’’ she said. “He was a clown. If you talked to him, he had you cracking up laughing.’’

There is always a danger in painting a tragic story too sweetly. The reality is actually what shows his courage, and hers.

There were hard times, awful times along the way. Rocky never felt sorry for himself? Never? Never got down?

“He had his moments,’’ Annette acknowledged. “Just for a moment. But he showed me a lot of love. When I felt like giving up, he called me in if I was in the other room.

“`MOM,’ ” he would say. “I’d say `What?’ `I love you.’ `I love you, too.’ ’’

She remembered all sorts of things. The nickname “Rocky.’’ It reminds you of the movie, and the underdog fighter. Is that where it came from?

“No,’’ Annette said. “When he was younger, he threw some rocks and I had to pay for some broken windows.’’

For years, Rocky received what was mostly round-the-clock health care, through catastrophic medical insurance provided by the school district. But the coverage had a $5 million limit, and when that ran out in 2010, Annette was not in position to take care of her son the way he needed.

The school apparently could not renew the policy, or get another one. Insurance is a business, of course. But somehow, it had put a price on someone’s life.

A community rallied around the Clarks, including everyone from local pastors to the Chicago Bears, who reportedly donated more than $100,000 to help the family. It was big. It wasn’t enough.

“He was disappointed with the way the insurance did him,’’ Annette said. “He said he was being penalized for living too long.

“It shortened a lot of his medical supplies and real important medicine he needed. Some of the girls that used to work here, I paid out of pocket. They said there’s nothing else they could do for him.

“He had the Medicaid card, but what good did that do? It helped some. Some. But he’d need $1,000 on medications and the pharmacy would say they have to wait and see if it is covered, and see if anyone will pay for it. I couldn’t wait. He needed it. I got myself in a bad situation. Some . . . didn’t get paid.’’

She doesn’t know how she’s going to pay for the funeral, either, or for her mortgage and property taxes, or really, much else. She isn’t sure what she’s going to do from here, either. (For information on a fund to help out, go to www.rasulrockyclark.com).

Her life has been caring for her son. The burden is gone now, and she wishes it were back.

“I am definitely thankful for 11 years, 4 months of burden,’’ she said. “I wiped my feet and washed my hands to my life. I gave. I want to run away for a week. I want to get away.’’

For now, she goes away by going back into Rocky’s room. The walls are filled with his pictures and trophies, and autographed balls from the Chicago Bears.

“I look around at all his trophies, medals and pictures,’’ she said. “His footballs and everything. I just smile.’’

She hopes Rocky’s story will help other kids who get hurt in sports. She hopes it will lead to laws and rules changing so that insurance doesn’t run out for the next kid this happens to. She thanks God for getting her this far and hopes she can go on.

She hopes his story is about never giving up and about what Rocky used to tell people: Know that some people have it worse, that things can change in a second. And make the most of what you have.

Merry Christmas to All!

2011-12-23T19:08:00.002-05:00

and to all a great weekend!
It was good to hear from some old friends from my blog this past month.
I have been a terrible blogger this year but will catch up when I finally have time off to do absolutely nothing next week.

After years now of living in Manhattan, I still love being a tourist in my own city when I leave work and go out with my camera taking shots of the Wall Street and Bryant Park trees (my two faves-- Rock is just too crowded and too many purple lights!).

Cheers everyone and Merry Christmas!

Fighting Fear

2011-10-04T11:26:00.003-04:00

Thanks so everyone for the sweet and helpful e-mails!

It has been so long since I've taken antibiotics, that I forgot how well they work!
I've also realized how important it is to take care of yourself and put your health first. Seems my body just couldn't keep up with feeling overly stressed for so long now. This week off working from home is really helping me get a grip mentally too.

6 days of isolation hasn't been so bad. I really have no desire to step back out there into that crazy city, but know soon I have to.. Lately I'm looking at fear and just how much of a too-big role it plays in my life. "Feel the fear and do it anyway", I'm told. Yeah. Easier said than done.

Since one of my fave blog writers doesn't mind if we share his excellent writings.
My brain-dead self will copy his post on conquering fear below. You can read more at Zenhabits.com. Thanks again everyone and here's to October being a MUCH better month!

5 Ways To Turn Fear Into Fuel

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Jonathan Fields, author of Uncertainty: Turning Fear and Doubt Into Fuel for Brilliance.

Uncertainty. It’s a terrifying word.

Living with it, dangling over your head like the sword of Damocles, day in day out, is enough to send anyone spiraling into a state of anxiety, fear and paralysis.

Like it or not, though, uncertainty is the new normal. We live in a time where the world is in a state of constant, long-term flux. And, that’s not all. If you want to spend your time on the planet not just getting-by, but consistently creating art, experiences, businesses and lives that truly matter, you’ll need to proactively seek out, invite and even deliberately amplify uncertainty. Because the other side of uncertainty is opportunity.

Nothing great was ever created by waiting around for someone to tell you it’s all going to be okay or for perfect information to drop from the sky. Doesn’t happen that way. Great work requires you to act in the face of uncertainty, to live in the question long enough for your true potential to emerge. There is no alternative.

When you find the strength to act in the face of uncertainty, you till the soil of genius.

Problem is, that kills most people. It leads to unease, anxiety, fear and doubt on a level that snuffs out most genuinely meaningful and potentially revolutionary endeavors before they even see the light of day. Not because they wouldn’t have succeeded, but because you never equipped yourself to handle and even harness the emotional energy of the journey.

But, what if it didn’t have to be that way?

What if there was a way to turn the fear, anxiety and self-doubt that rides along with acting in the face of uncertainty–the head-to-toe butterflies–into fuel for brilliance?

Turns out, there is. Your ability to lean into the unknown isn’t so much about luck or genetics, rather it’s something entirely trainable. I’ve spent the past few years interviewing world-class creators across a wide range of fields and pouring over research that spans neuroscience, decision-theory, psychology, creativity and business.

Through this work, a collection of patterns, practices and strategies have emerged that not only turbocharge insight, creativity, innovation and problem-solving, but also help ameliorate so much of the suffering so often associated with the pursuit of any creative quest.

Here are 5 starter-strategies to help get you going:

1. Reframe.

We tell ourselves stories all day long. I’m skinny. I’m fat. I’m talented. I’m stupid. This is genius. This is awful. I will succeed. I will fail. I’m terrified and anxious. I’m confident and proactive. It turns out, the storylines we create around a particular circumstance are far more determinative of success than the circumstance itself. They affect not only our willingness to act, but the quality of our ideas and solutions.

If you create a story that empowers action and innovation, that’s great news. Unfortunately, our brains have a strong bias toward negativity, leading most of us to create stories around circumstances that require action in the face of uncertainty that are more likely to paralyze and stunt creativity than fuel action.

Reframing is a process that asks you to suspend negative storylines, explore if the story you’re telling is the only one and, if not (which is inevitably the case), construct or frame a new storyline that empowers you to experience an uncertain circumstance not as a prime for failure and inaction, but as a signpost for meaning and opportunity.

For example, if you’re disabling storyline is around the risk of failure, instead of just asking “what if I fail?” and creating a doomsday scenario, you also ask “how will I recover, what if I do nothing and what if I succeed?” Then build new stories around those questions.

2. Practice Mindfulness.

Reframing is an immensely powerful tool in the quest to lean into the unknown. But it also requires a certain equanimity; the ability to pull back and see what’s really going on, re-center, then breath into that uncomfortable place long enough for amazing things to bubble up. Over time, a daily mindfulness practice goes a long way toward equipping you to do just that.

Plus, it cultivates the sense of persistent grounding that makes living and acting in a world where there is no new normal far more enjoyable. And it trains you in the practice of dropping thoughts, among those, destructive, limiting-beliefs.

3. Exercise Your Brain.

We’ve all seen the research on exercise and health, weight loss and disease prevention. But, did you know that certain approaches to exercise also have a profound effect on your brain?

Daily cardiovascular exercise, for example, especially with high-intensity bursts mixed in can improve mood, executive function, decision-making and creativity and decrease anxiety and fear. The latest research even reveals the possibility that exercise can grow new brains cells, something that until only a few years ago, was thought to be impossible. It’s also strongly correlated with decreases in anxiety and increases in mood, which are directly connected to improved creativity and problem-solving.

4. Singletask.

Multitasking is out. Turns out this badge of honor from the ’90s is more fiction than fact. Our brains don’t multitask, they just rapidly switch between tasks, sometimes fast enough for us to believe we’re doing many things at once. Problem is, every time we switch, there is a “ramping cost” in your brain, it takes anywhere from a few second to 15 minutes for your brain to fully re-engage. This makes you feel insanely busy, but simultaneously craters productivity, creativity and increases feelings of anxiety and stress.

Multitasking also requires you to hold a lot of information in your working memory, which is controlled by a part of the brain known as the prefrontal cortex (PFC). But the PFC is also responsible for will-power, and for keeping fear and anxiety in check. Multitasking increases the “cognitive load” on the PFC, overwhelming it and effectively killing it’s ability to keep fear, anxiety and the taunt of distraction at bay.

Simple solution–just say no. Do one thing at a time in intense, short bursts.

5. Get Lean.

Instead of creating in a vacuum, explore the possibility of bringing a “lean” or “agile” approach to your creative process. Focus on maximum learning, create the simplest version of your idea possible, then bring a select group of those who’d potentially enjoy it into the process earlier in name of soliciting and integrating input into the next iteration. This not only minimizes waste, it changes the psychology of creation by adding more certainty earlier in the game and encouraging consistent, incremental action.

These five strategies and practices can change the way you experience the creative process in a profound way. They’ll not only allow you to tap a reservoir of previously hidden creativity, they’ll also allow you to experience any creative endeavor with a far deeper sense of equanimity and joy.

Pick up a copy of Jonathan’s new book – Uncertainty: Turning Fear and Doubt Into Fuel for Brilliance today, or check out his book trailer.

What a year!

2011-09-29T12:28:00.003-04:00

Ah, forget about Facebook.. I don't feel like talking about that silly sight right now. I need to figure out what the heck is wrong with me..Why I have been a walking disaster/health mess lately. Need to start praying to the saint of good health / no further injuries or something. I have really been through the ringer physically the past year and a half and really I'm fed up with it. I know stress lowers your immune system and all but I mean really. So now I am diagnosed with pneumonia. Pneumonia??? Have no idea how this one happened!
If anyone has ever had it, I would love some e-mails/comments. I trust that the super strong antibiotics will work?

I guess I should focus on the positive in life but feeling this sick really leaves your mind entirely depressed. I still have that nice neighbor after all making me the chicken soup I had always wanted a guy to make me! Well, actually today am making it myself as I kicked him out and told him to go to work.

Really I am best off alone in my misery. Solitary confinement for another week. So sorry to share it on here. Any tips, I would appreciate. Or just an..."it's okay TCG, you're going to live." ;)

What to do about Annoying Co-workers

2011-09-27T08:23:00.004-04:00

I have been sort of losing my mind at work lately. Well, some could say there isn't that much to lose after this past year.

My officemates (and it is a smaaaalll office, as is every other freaking space in this city) are simply driving me nuts. ALL they do is complain. Not enough money, the company sucks, blah, blah, blah. Sitting there with 2 of them in less 250 sq feet all day is getting unbearable. The days of being unemployed back on my couch are looking better.

So what is a girl in a company of 8 grumpy men supposed to do?
Besides put on my Ipod, I am not quite sure anymore. And when my boss came in the other day to see me with my feet up and Ipod on, it probably didn't look too good. But as I took my earbuds out, I said to boss (we will code name Happy, as he is always happy): "Happy, they're driving me nuts". Explaining why I had to listen to music all day.
Happy laughed, looked at me as if I'm slightly nuts and walked away. Yep, that was it.

I'm not sure what to listen to anymore. Any suggestions? My music is getting old.
I need something uplifting - Louise Hay - You can Change your life, perhaps? Joel Osteen?

I just don't know.

I've been slacking at work lately. Morale is way down. It affects everyone. So I have been spending more time than I ever have on Facebook. And that is the story I'll tell next. The reason why I think Facebook is bad and what I need to do about it......

Fun times

2011-09-23T17:17:00.002-04:00

Ahh, thanks so much my friends for the very nice comments and thoughts. I really appreciate it.

I wish I could write something even slightly interesting.

But I can't. I'm home sick. I'm lame. So lame.

And I just want to wish everyone a great weekend........

Never Forget

2011-09-11T20:48:00.008-04:00

It's so hard to believe it has been 10 years since September 11th.
Today's news coverage of the families at the new memorial site brought it all back like it was yesterday.
The reading of the names of victims - so many my own age back then and my age now.

I think back to that morning - the crystal clear blue sky we all remember so well, landing at JFK from Boston at 8:25am on the American Airlines flight. My ex going down to work on Wall Street. He was forever changed by that day, as all too many people were. It seems...Everything changed.

I don't know why I was so lucky that day. I was on a 757 headed for Jamaica, stopping at JFK first. Two other planes from Logan were chosen that morning.
I think back to what I've accomplished with my life since then...Since so many other lives were taken that day, and I'm ashamed to say not much. Shortly after 9/11 I began taking life for granted again. I still am.

When I think my life has no meaning I think back to the saying, "You are just one person in the world. But to one person out there- you are the world".

A lot of people lost that one person who was their whole world that day.

The past decade has been filled with many challenges. But really whose adult life isn't? I need to keep it in perspective and remember things can be worse, so much worse.

I want to copy here a portion of what I rate a 5 star book. Titled, Unmeasured Strength, by Laura Manning. She worked as Managing Director at Cantor Fitzgerald and escaped the towers with burns over 82% of her body. Her determination and strength to fight to live, no matter how difficult things are. She is, as so many other stories of September 11th, a true inspiration. She reminds me that even though I haven't done any good with my life the past 10 years after I was so lucky that day, I do live my life keeping my word, and doing my best. And I can keep doing my best even better.

Excerpts from Unmeasured Strength, by Laura Manning via msnbc.com:

>>>>I was blessed by the support and comfort provided by my loved ones, and strengthened by the belief from within that I could reclaim my life. The guardians of my heart—my husband, my son, and the rest of my family—cradled me. An enormous outpouring of letters and prayers, messages and gifts from around the world flooded our lives with a happiness that lifted me in my darkest moments, and a hope that helped fuel my survival.
Yet while I was surrounded by love, the journey through a harsh and unforgiving landscape of pain and disability was mine alone to make. That I lived, that I narrowly escaped the fate of so many others that day, is a humbling reminder of both the extreme fragility and the surprising courage that exist within all of us. What I know for certain is that there would be no story at all if I hadn't somehow held a deep faith in myself or understood the beauty and power of a simple word: commitment. Commitment to all that is worthwhile in life: to the people who are most important to us; to the endeavors that will yield the most good; to the acts of kindness or courage that reflect our deepest values. Commitment, I've learned, brings focus and direction, an innate sense that guides us from within, providing a compass for our lives. It also brings responsibility, most especially the requirement that we keep our word and always give our best.

Before I was injured, I had committed to any number of things. To relationships, friends, family. To hard work and a successful career. To commonplace hopes and deepest desires. Generally I had done this by relying on a quiet confidence that I could make good things happen. But the truth is, I sometimes wasn't able to do so. On occasion, I felt strangely paralyzed by the thought of achieving my goals. At other times, the effort to reach a desired destination proved so difficult that my vision of it dimmed, and eventually I moved on to new dreams.

But when 9/11 brought me to the border between life and death, and then face-to-face with monumental challenges, I understood that no matter how painful the task before me, I could not turn away. I had to make the most important commitment of all: a commitment to life itself.

It's now been a decade since that day, and sometimes I look back and wonder, Have I accomplished anything of note or great worth? People have called me a hero, but I can only say that I did what I needed to do. I was not the agent of my own adversity. Pain and suffering were imposed on me; they invaded and overwhelmed my body and threatened to crush my soul. Once I opened my eyes after a long climb out of the darkness, I knew that every day, I had a choice. Every day I had to fully commit to outlasting my enemies—those cowards who covered their faces from the light and screamed toward us in their metal daggers. Would I let their act of terror beat me into submission? Would I let them win? Would I let them steal my will to live, having failed to extinguish my life itself? Every day, I had to reach deep inside and find an as yet unmeasured strength that made it possible to carry on.
As I encountered and then overcame one obstacle after another, what mattered most was that I was loved. I had a husband who thought I was beautiful, even though so much of my body had been burned. I had a son who was always thrilled to see me. And luck? I had that, too. Pure luck, blind luck, and bad luck—on 9/11, I ended up with all three.
So yes, this is a story about what happened to me on September 11. But it's also about November 11, the day I first spoke again, and it's about June 11, the first time I danced again with my beautiful boy Tyler. It's about September 11, 2002, when I cheered for the glory of my lost colleagues. And it's about every day afterward.
This is the story of how I learned to live again.<<<
From the Book UNMEASURED STRENGTH by Lauren Manning. Copyright © 2011 by Lauren Manning. Reprinted by arrangement with Henry Holt and Company LLC.

Scenes From a Wall Street Bench

2011-08-21T20:57:00.009-04:00

Wanted to check in to see how my friends here are doing..It has been so long. I hope everyone is having a great summer.

Pretty much have taken a much needed mental break from everything this summer. Well, thankfully I'm still employed but it's nice and slow and so the mental break continues through the workday.

I don't get out for lunch usually. Choose to avoid the hectic streets, but lately it has been so slow and my officemate is driving me so nuts with his constant complaining, that I now force myself out each day.

Sure don't go far.. Just across from my office to the bench on Wall Street. Seriously funny people watching on the bench sometimes. Usually I just prefer to eavesdrop, but amazingly I haven't sat on the bench for an hour with my book without someone talking to me. Mostly middle age men, as bored with their workdays as I am. The usual small talk -- the weather...the loudness of construction noise....the lunch I'm eating looks good. Who said New Yorkers aren't friendly?

Really if you think you're having a lame summer, just be glad it's not like mine.
Sitting on a bench.

My mind must be so incredibly bored that I came up with an idea for a book...a movie called Scenes from a Wall Street Bench. All the different characters you meet there. Their stories. Really it could get interesting.
A cute office guy seems to be a lunch loner too and sits every day at the cluster of benches devouring his Chipotle burrito. Surely the old TCG would be hoping to meet him. But amazingly (and thankfully) N still hasn't bolted for the hills yet. So I'm thinking that I could meet him for my single friend who has been endlessly looking for someone.
Which brings me to my next career idea. Something quite a few people told me I should get into... Matchmaking. Yes, there would be more of a purpose to that career than my do-no-good Finance office job.

TCG Matchmaking. Has a ring to it, huh?

But then again, this is probably also just a product of an overly bored mind of these dog days of summer, where really I'm not doing much of anything...but dreaming up a better way on a Wall Street bench..

A Few Thoughts on the Old Theme of this Blog.... Love

2011-06-30T10:37:00.002-04:00

Years ago when I started this blog, I was completely free in life. Free of a relationship, free of a job, and free of some former "toxic" friendships.
In fact, it was the most free I had ever felt in my adult life. And I loved it. Miss it in ways.

Lately my faith has wavered in life. Try as I might to go to church, to pray, I can't seem to strengthen it. So when a book jumped out to me on the bookshelf titled, Have a Little Faith, by Mitch Albom, it was no surprise it took me less than 2 hours to read. Mitch goes back to his hometown to what will turn out to be an 8 year journey of getting to know his childhood Rabbi he had turned away from.

I've been looking for answers lately: Why do bad things happen to such good people? Why is there so much evil? Why do most relationships and friendships seem to fall apart? Why is forgiveness so hard to actually do? Surely many wonder these things, and these questions were all addressed in the book.

As for the bad things happening to good people. The Rabbi says he simply does not know why. But the evil in this world is our choice. But why do we do so many bad things? The Reb says, "because one thing God gave us - and I'm afraid it's at times a little too much - is free will. Freedom to choose. I believe he gave us everything we needed to build a beautiful world, if we choose wisely."

Be we can also choose badly. And we can mess things up something awful.

The Reb makes so many other good points on the book on friendship, family and forgiveness I will post on here another time. As for love, he says to make one of your goals in life to find a good partner. Whose love is proven through action, not words. When you have that infatuation type of love, it doesn't last. Love is always changing. This I have definitely learned.

So I'll paraphrase the Reb's conversation on love:

"When in Fiddler on the roof, the wife asks, "How can you ask if I love you? Look at all I've done with you. What else would you call it?"
That kind of love - the kind you realize you already have by the life you've created together - that's the kind that lasts".

"The word commitment has lost its meaning. I'm old enough to remember when it used to be a positive. A committed person was someone to be admired. He was loyal and steady. Now a commitment is something you avoid. You don't want to tie yourself down."

And if you don't commit?

Your choice. But you miss what's on the other side.

What's on the other side?

Ah, he smiled. A happiness you cannot find alone. "

*** I think back to my happiness I had found during my freedom years... all alone. But then I think would I want to be all alone forever? I feel I would miss out on a lot. Oh, and as for that special somebody who someone upstairs moved in to become my next door neighbor a couple years ago? Yes, I'm happy to say he's still around.
And he is surely the best damn thing that has ever happened to me.

Happiness to all this summer~
TCG

Happy Summer to all and....

2011-06-17T13:02:00.006-04:00

Nothing in the least bit new or exciting to report. I am at home today and want to say 'hi' to all my old friends from here. (yes, still employed..luckily).

Still a terrible blogger. Still going through the "stuff"..Getting through it. Trying to.
With the official start to summer here, we New Yorkers on the East Side got a very nice surprise. I actually rated it one of the top 3 experiences I've had living in the city. N. didn't at all like that, as he said, "well what about meeting me?". I told him that was the top of the 3, but this new discovery is the 2nd.
This new discovery might solve my dilemma of how to commute since I have a subway phobia. This might save N.'s sanity from having to drive me, while the poor guy has some sanity left. From here on we will call him Saint N., because frankly I don't know how he has put up with what he has.

So what is the new discovery you ask? I bet you'll never guess. Only someone as strange as myself would get so excited about such a new way to get to work.

It is....the East River ferry. And for this and next week, it is totally free. So if you're here try it out.

Maybe you'll see what I mean. The faces of misery and depression you used to see every day on the subway are now replaced by smiles. That's right- I said smiles. During the morning commute. And wait 'til you see how happy everybody looks on the evening way home. There are smiling babies all over the ferry, eyes amazed by the water. You'll never hear them cry on the ferry, in fact they fall fast asleep by the time they're off. So will you maybe, if you're not amazed by the views. The rocking motion relaxes you. It's more like you're on a vacation, rather than commuting to your job.
Then there's the air. Fresh, invigorating air replaces the toxic, Lord-knows-what air and terrible smells you breathe in the subway.

And then the most surprising thing to see on a transit commute.. People striking up conversations with strangers. Everyone so happy, relaxed and amazed with how fast the little ferry moves, start talking with one another. Business men waving at babies, trying to get them to wave back.

The last day I took the ferry, the free ride surely caught on. The waits were longer. In fact, I could have walked all the way home in the time it took. But that's what happens when anything is offered free in this city. The wait didn't matter though. Apparently not to anyone on the boat either. Commuters were feeling and acting like tourists. The sun was shining on our faces. People were laughing.
Smiling in open air freedom on their way home.

again someday....

2011-05-24T07:42:00.000-04:00

Ah, an old post I wrote that should have posted a while back, I see just posted last week. Blogger's strange. And so am I too.
Everything still gloomy, along with the May NYC gloomy weather. Life is tough. But hey, whoever said it would be easy? Still have to promise...
I'll be back to good someday...

2011-05-12T19:41:00.001-04:00

Thanks for all the great comments (I am having trouble publishing again) and e-mails. Seems many can relate to our new world of too many "electronic friendships".

As for the inner peace article, it sure felt good reading it. But in daily like I have serious trouble putting this to work. It seems my mind is always worrying. You name it, I worry about it. I'm not sure what is going on with me lately. When I told a friend about my latest disorder- anxiety- she said, "so what, Manhattan itself is like one big anxiety attack."

I used to be a really laid back, calm person. Maybe I need to live somewhere calmer. I dream of living near San Fran or Laguna. Cali has always called me. But my life is here. The job I waited so long for. N and most of all my older parents. So I can't really leave. At least not yet.
The funny thing is if I were to leave, I know I'd miss New York like crazy.
There's nothing like it.

Yesterday we got a taste of springtime. Well, not really..It only reached a high of 43, but when the high has been 28 degrees for months, it felt comfortably fine walking around at lunch time with no jacket. The sun was shining. People seemed happier. The strange lady of our neighborhood was out in full force with her half shirt and big belly hanging out, doing her leg exercises on the street while yelling at her all too scary looking bulldog. I got my only laugh of the day when I saw this. N and I think this is what happens to someone when they live in a 280 sq. foot apartment for 20 years.

Which brings my mind to another worry. Being alone, living here in 20 years. And if that doesn't happen, that means change. Which either means marriage or moving. Which both scare the heck out of me.

You know I saw my first Woody Allen movie the other day. I don't like the creep. But I must admit it was a darn good movie. In Annie Hall Woody plays an overly neurotic, eccentric Manhattanite. (According to N, I might just share some similar neuroses to him- and I couldn't argue on this one).
When Annie moves in with Woody, he begs her to stillkeep her own apartment. "Why would I need to do that?", she asks. He replies: "It's different 'cause you keep your own apartment. Because you know it's there, we don't have to go to it, we don't have to deal with it, but it's like a . . a . . a. . . free-floating life raft ... so we know that we're not married."

A free floating life raft. Seriously I can relate.

Updates will come soon, but until then.......

2011-04-18T09:35:00.001-04:00

So from my window today it looks like spring has finally sprung. Hope everyone is out there enjoying it. I should do the same. Lately I have just been enjoying being in my home in this 'castle in the sky', as it's called.
Apologies for being the worst blogger ever. Honestly, I am just simply too overwhelmed in life to keep it up.
Last night I had to talk to my mom about my younger years. Why? Because it makes me happy to hear. Life was simple back then. Carefree. I was a very happy little kid.
She reminded me that until 11 years old (yes, that old - slightly embarrassing) I was obsessed with the show Frosty The Snowman. It always was my favorite and I would ask my parents to watch it year round. So as cheesy as this is, it sums it up - I am going underground for a while to focus my energies on working on myself.
But surely this blog means so much to me, as do all of you. So for now I'll leave it with the one part of Frosty that used to make me happy - When he said, "I'll be back again someday"....

The Best Diet

2011-03-28T07:43:00.000-04:00

So it's Spring on the calendar but (no surprise) still feels like winter here. And a looong winter of not working out, eating way too much good food sure has taken a toll.
April 1st (no joke) will have to start my first successful detox.
I gave up ice cream for Lent..But all I keep craving is a giant..

I hate using the word die-t. This one I found looks great though. Thought I'd share it with the ladies- to help us live a long, happier life:

Breakfast

1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch

1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Tea

1 The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner

4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack

1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.

Sometimes the Bad Things are the Best Things

2011-03-23T08:52:00.002-04:00

Suffering a serious case of writer's block lately (among other things). I thank all of you for your GREAT comments. A lot reading are much more wise than I am.
More on relationships and boredom next time. Re-reading what I am posting below made me remember that the best relationships, when it is really right that is, just keep getting better with time. So, for now I'm leaving today's post to Steve Jobs.
Because this says a hell of a lot more helpful things than I have on this entire blog.

Steve Jobs (taken from an e-mail someone sent me - at what now feels like a long time ago- when I lost my job)

'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says
CEO of Apple Computer
His first story is about connecting the dots:

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

His second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

His last story is about facing death:

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Happy Spring! and yes...The Bachelor...

2011-03-21T10:54:00.008-04:00

We made it. Although this morning's snowfall makes it seem as Spring is still far away. At least we hit it on the calendar.

I have been a terrible blogger lately. I've been incredibly exhausted from various things and I find turning on the computer during my off-time quite frankly, depresses me. I don't know if it is all of the bad news, or just the fact that I sit long enough in front of a computer 5 days a week. But the moment I sign on, I feel any energy I have left completely drain out of me! But here I am...

I know I didn't post my annual review of The Bachelor. The only reality show I watch for the past 5 years. For some reason during my totally-single days I got very into this show - Mainly to see the awesome locations they would go to on super-romantic dates. I always thought it was insane how girls would claim to so quickly fall in love with these guys. I mean, they are taken on the most romantic dates in the most beautiful locations on the planet. How couldn't you fall for it all?
But then, as this latest Bachelor couple said. There is reality. Coming back to real life and trying to make a relationship work, like the rest of us. It is, let's face it...hard.

I had trouble watching this past season. The girls seemed catty and well, strange.
The one he chose seemed to be sweet, but something was a little off. I really think the best part about watching it was N.'s imitation of Brad's annoying slooow Texan drawl. (Points for Brad though, I did read in a magazine that he himself thinks he has the most annoying accent).
I thought Jake was blah in the last season. But Brad surpassed the blahness. Same with the girls he chose. The whole season really was one big snoozefest.

But I continued to watch til the end. Knowing this is the one time I can rip into characters on TV, since for some reason, this show brings out the absolute worst in me.

They both admitted to being incredibly stubborn. Sometimes, like in my own relationship, I wonder how two such stubborn personalities can work into a happily-ever-after life together. But I guess that's the thing I was talking about before - relationships take a lot of work.
I have a feeling they won't last. But what do I know. And either way, I wish these two dull love-birds the best.

Helping Japan

2011-03-15T08:42:00.000-04:00

I have more to say. But no energy. I feel completely....depleted lately.
But I want to thank everyone for their comments and e-mails. Yes, I agree that it is up to the guy/girl in each relationship to work at it and not let each other go.
More another time.

For now I'd be happy if one...just one person reading donates to Japan.
Even though money is tight, I know for a couple nights I can open a can of soup for dinner and give a little money for a couple of weeks to help Japan...A beautiful country that some I know had the opportunity to see, and a country I still can't wait to experience some day...

Donating via text is easy below, or just visit their web-sites.
In the U.S.:
—Text “JAPAN” or “TSUNAMI” to 20222 to donate $10 (Save the Children Federation, Inc.)

—Text “4JAPAN” or “4TSUNAMI” to 20222 to donate $10 (World Vision, Inc.)

—Text “JAPAN” to 80888 to donate $10 (Salvation Army)

—Text “REDCROSS” to 90999 to donate $10 (American Red Cross)

Do Relationships get.... Boring with Time?

2011-03-14T08:03:00.001-04:00

I was sitting next to N on the couch. Lately we have spent way too much time together. Definitey an abnormally huge amount of time. So much so that I now know how old married couples feel, when they sit next to their wives/husbands and have no desire to go near them or say anything that all. Now believe me, I never wanted to be that couple. And then N was doing that trait he has...That thing he does. That I used to find sort of cute. But now I find it...well...urr....annoying.
Then I saw this article on-line...More on this tomorrow:

The 7-year itch is now the 3-year glitch
5:19 pm ET March 14
LONDON (Reuters) – The "three-year glitch" has replaced the "seven-year itch" as the tipping point where couples start to take each other for granted, according to a new survey.

Weight gain, stinginess, toe-nail clippings on the bathroom floor and snoring are a few of the passion-killers that have led to a swifter decline in relationships in the fast-paced 21st century, said the study commissioned by Warner Brothers to promote the release of comedy film "Hall Pass" in UK cinemas.

The survey of 2,000 British adults in steady relationships pinpointed the 36-month mark as the time when relationship stress levels peak and points to a new trend of "pink passes" and "solo" holidays away from partners and spouses that many Britons resort to in order to keep romance alive.

"Longer working hours combined with money worries are clearly taking their toll on modern relationships and we are seeing an increasing trend for solo holidays and weekends away from marriages and relationships in order to revive the romantic spark," said pollster Judi James who oversaw the survey.

The poll compared feedback from those in short-term relationships (defined as less than three years) and people who were married or in longer-term partnerships.

The findings showed that 67 percent of all of those surveyed said that small irritations which are seemingly harmless and often endearing during the first flushes of love often expand into major irritations around 36 months.

More than half of the Brits surveyed (52 percent) who were in younger relationships said they enjoyed sexual relations at least three times a week, compared to just 16 percent of those in relationships older than three years.

This suggests that as we get older together, romance gives way to day to day practicalities, supported by the fact that 55 percent of busy people in longer-term relationships admit that they now have to "schedule" their romantic time.

The report also said that those in the first flush of love can look forward to an average of three compliments a week from their partners - a figure which falls to an average of a single weekly compliment at the three-year high tide mark.

The prognosis gets worse the longer we stay in relationships, three in 10 of those surveyed that have been in a relationship for five years or more said that they never receive any compliments from their partners.

The findings also showed that more than three quarters (76 percent) of all people surveyed responded that "individual space was important" within a relationship and pointed to a rise of individual activities.

A third (34%) of those who have been seeing their partners for longer than three years have at least two evenings a month defined as a "pass" or a "ticket" where it is accepted that they can pursue their own interests and 58 percent of the same sample group enjoy regular holidays without their partners.

The top 10 everyday niggles and passion-killers: 1. Weight gain/lack of exercise, 13 percent; 2. Money & Spend thriftiness, 11 percent; 3. Anti-social working hours, 10 percent; 4. Hygiene issues (personal cleanliness), 9 percent; 5. In-Laws/extended family - too much/too little, 9 percent; 6. Lack of romance (sex, treats etc.), 8 percent; 7. Alcohol - drinking too much, 7 percent; 8. Snoring & anti social bedtime habits, 6 percent; 9. Lapsed fashion-Same old underwear/clothes, 4 percent; 10. Bathroom habits - Stray nail cuttings etc., 4 percent.

TCG: Stray nail cuttings. Haven't seen that one yet, but good grief
I could imagine....

Leaving New York......

2011-03-09T08:27:00.001-05:00

8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live

'We're Getting The Hell Out Of This Sewer,' Entire Populace Reports
ISSUE 46•35

Within 90 minutes, the borough of Brooklyn had completely cleared out.
NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.
With audible murmurs of "This is no way to live," "What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here," and "F-ck this place. F-k this horrible place," all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness.

By 5:15 p.m. there was gridlock traffic on the outbound sides of the Holland and Lincoln tunnels, and the area's three major airports were flooded with New Yorkers, all of whom said they wanted to go anyplace where the pressure of 20 million tons of concrete wasn't constantly suffocating them.

"I always had this perverted sense of pride because I was managing to scrape by here," said Brooklyn resident Andrew McQuade, who, after watching two subway rats gnawing on a third bloody rat carcass, finally determined that New York City was a giant sprawling cancer. "Well, f- that. I don't need to pay $2,000 a month to share a doghouse-sized apartment with some random Craigslist dipshit to prove my worth. I want to live like a goddamn human being."

"You see this?" added McQuade, pointing at a real estate listing for a duplex in Hagerstown, MD. "Two bedrooms, two baths, a den—a fucking den—and a patio. Twelve hundred a month. That's total, not per person."

According to residents, the mass exodus was triggered by a number of normal, everyday New York City events. For Erin Caldwell of Manhattan, an endlessly honking car horn sent her over the edge, causing her to go into a blind rage and scream "shut up!" at the vehicle as loud as she could until her voice went hoarse; for Danny Tremba of Queens it was being cursed at for walking too slow; and for Paul Ogden, also of Queens, it was his overreaction to somebody walking too slow.

Other incidents that prompted citizens to pick up and leave included the sight of garbage bags stacked 5 feet high on the sidewalk; the realization that being alone among millions of anonymous people is actually quite horrifying; a blaring siren that droned on and f'ing on; muddy, refuse-filled puddles that have inexplicably not dried in three years; the thought of growing into a person whose meanness and cynicism is cloaked in a kind of holier-than-thou brand of sarcasm that the rest of the world finds nauseating; and all the goddamn people.

In addition, 3 million New Yorkers reportedly left the city because they realized the phrase "Only in New York" is actually just a defense mechanism used to convince themselves that seeing certain (sick) things is endearing.
"I was sitting on my stoop, drinking coffee, and out of nowhere this crazy-looking woman just starts screaming, 'I am inside all of you,' over and over," Bronx resident Sarah Perez, 37, said. "Then, we both had this moment where we looked at each other and realized, okay, we have to get out of here."
"This place sucks," Manhattan resident Woody Allen, 74, told reporters. "It just fking sucks."

When fleeing New Yorkers were asked if they would miss the city's iconic landmarks, most responded that Central Park is just a pathetic excuse for experiencing actual nature, that the Brooklyn Bridge is great but it's just a fking bridge, that nobody goes to the Met anyway, and that living in a dingy, grime-caked apartment while exhaust fumes from an idling truck seep through your bedroom window isn't worth slightly bigger bagels.

"This is no place to raise a kid, that's for sure," said 32-year-old Brandon Rushing, a lifelong New Yorker. "I grew up here and I turned into a giant asshole. Why would I want that for my son?"

"Plus, we're the place most likely to get nuked by a dirty bomb in a terrorist attack," he added. "So that's great. Also, it smells like sh*t here, and I'm not exaggerating."

Before departing by private helicopter, Mayor Michael Bloomberg spoke with members of the media to address the situation.
"You know what the greatest city in the world is?" Bloomberg asked reporters. "Scottsdale, Arizona. It's clean, it's not too big, it's got a couple streets with shops and restaurants, and the people there aren't fucking insane. This place is fucking insane. And by the way, that's not a reason to like it. Anyone who says that is a delusional dirtbag."

By Tuesday night, New York was completely abandoned. At press time, however, some 10 million Los Angeles–area residents, tired of their self-centered, laid-back culture and lack of four distinct seasons, and yearning for the hustle and bustle of East Coast life, had already begun repopulating the city.

Ah, yeah- I did not write this. It is from theonion.com. http://www.theonion.com/articles/84-million-new-yorkers-suddenly-realize-new-york-c,18003/
I sure have thought this way at times during my love/hate experience with this city. And I bet many others from here can relate.

The scariest part is - we all seem to agree that despite it all, we love New York.

Quote for the Day

2011-03-07T07:59:00.001-05:00

“You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay? Your life does not ...get better by chance, it gets better by change.”Jim Rohn quotes

Really liked this quote a friend passed along. Although I have to admit that once my life actually did get better by chance. (Although hope and prayer, is I think what made it happen).

Study Says: We're Getting Married Less

2011-03-02T08:12:00.002-05:00

I have quite a few friends in their 40s who never got married. A few who are now divorced. And a couple who aren't at all happily married.
My family have asked me why I'm not engaged yet. Luckily they don't ask this question often since they know how I get when I hear it.
I'm only getting older and the statistic is that 86% of American women get married before age 40. Well, I've always been a little different. A late bloomer. So I'm happy to announce here... (no, I did not get a ring)
an article that states the main reasons why young people today are choosing not to get married.
Hannah Seligson on why her generation isn’t ready to tie the knot. (taken from The Daily Beast).

We want it all. We are looking for someone to be our gym buddy, career counselor, best friend, lover, creative inspiration, and therapist. In short, the intimacy expectations of young people today are off the charts. The soul mate fetish has given way to lines like: “I want to be as excited to see him in 30 years as the day we first met.” According to the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, an overwhelming majority (94 percent) of never-married singles between 20 to 29 agrees, “when you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost.” And that quest for “certainty” and that magic mix of qualities can take years of dating to uncover.

Fear of divorce. The divorce culture, pioneered by the Baby Boomers, is shaping the dating landscape today. With the memories of custody battles, acrimonious dinner tables, and a general atmosphere of family unrest being a not-so-distant flicker in the past, Gen Ys are resolute about not repeating the mistakes their parents made, breeding a rigorous evaluation process for prospective mates. “I want to be sure” has become their Greek chorus and a way to go into marriage with all the right armor.

Adulthood is for later. The timeline to adulthood has been loosened, says Jeffrey Arnett, a research professor at Clark University who studies twenty-somethings. Arnett points out that the concept of “emerging adults” didn’t even exist before Gen Yes, because in previous generations there was no transition into adulthood, you just became one. The zeitgeist today, however, is expressed through lines like: “I’m in no rush. Case in point: the hottest comic strip on the papers this year is Dustin, about an unmarried, unemployed 23-year-old who lives at home with his parents.

Careers take longer to forge. The days of going to work for one company and retiring with a gold watch 40 years later are long gone. Careers are now something we have many of and the path to them is often murky, at best. The new order of adulthood typical of this generation is to establish oneself in a career before getting married. For men in particular, this new order of events is causing an interference with mating—research has consistently shown that whether and when a man marries is closely tied to the adequacy and stability of his earnings.

A bounty of birth control. Before birth control, a good part of the impetus to get married was, quite simply, it was too risky to have sex outside of marriage. As a male 28-year-old “A Little Bit Married” said: “If I had to be married to have sex, I would probably be married, as would every guy I know.”

TCG: As for myself, I'd say it is the fear of divorce that worries me most. Maybe I'm too pessimistic, or perhaps too realistic? Most happily-in-love couples don't go to the altar thinking they are going to be fighting each other in court out of their marriage one day. Surprisingly (and unfortunately) this hopeless romantic does have that fear. I think I had seen too many guys in my past totally change and betray me. Maybe that leaves a mark that is just too hard to overcome?
But then again, perhaps I'm really with a nice one now.
Maybe some risks are just worth taking. If you never try, you'll never know.

Walking Rage

2011-03-01T20:33:00.000-05:00

Happy March! We're almost to the end of what has been a very loooong winter.
As for life, I don't have much of one. I hardly leave my neighborhood and right now, I like it this way. Granted N says I am suffering from 'nutbox fever', being home just feels best for me these days.

For a while I'll post some interesting articles and I someday soon some TCG writings.
Today's post is on a subject I suffer from, and probably most New Yorkers can understand in today's age when people pay more attention to their smartphones while walking than to the road: Sidewalk Rage.

Sidewalk Rage: Mental Illness or 'Altruistic Punishment?'

By MAIA SZALAVITZ Maia Szalavitz – Mon Feb 21 MSN.com
For many residents of New York City, our bodies are our cars. So rather than engaging in "road rage" against slow or erratic drivers on a highway, New Yorkers descend into "sidewalk rage," paroxysms of fury directed at people who exhibit irrational, obstructive walking behavior on Manhattan's crowded concrete. But is this reaction a sign of mental illness - or could it perhaps reflect an evolutionary adaptation that may have enabled the development of cooperation? (More on Time.com: Five Ways to Stop Stressing)

I will admit personally to fits of pique when slow tourists fail to keep to the right, or insist on standing side-by-side on escalators, blocking the left-hand fast lane, like some of those described in a recent article in the Wall Street Journal.

That article came down on the side of sidewalk rage as psychiatric disorder. Shirley Wang writes:

Researchers say the concept of "sidewalk rage" is real. One scientist has even developed a Pedestrian Aggressiveness Syndrome Scale to map out how people express their fury. At its most extreme, sidewalk rage can signal a psychiatric condition known as "intermittent explosive disorder," researchers say. On Facebook, there's a group called "I Secretly Want to Punch Slow Walking People in the Back of the Head" that boasts nearly 15,000 members.

For the rare folks who act out in dangerous ways, sidewalk or road rage may indeed signal illness. But the idea raises the much more interesting question of why so many otherwise normal people also feel the same intense emotion when navigating around slow hordes - and have to temper their impulses to act on their anger - in the first place.

Which brings me to what researchers call "altruistic punishment." While it sounds like an oxymoron, altruistic punishment is basically how social norms get enforced. So when you expel a huffy "Excuse me!" to the rude sidewalk clogger in front of you who has stopped midstride to check his BlackBerry, you're trying to discourage behavior that endangers other members of the society. It's called "altruistic" punishment, because your efforts to protect civility come at personal cost with little chance of personal benefit: you are far more likely to get an obscene gesture or even a punch in the mouth than a thank you.

Many evolutionary psychologists believe, however, that without altruistic punishment, cooperation could not have evolved. In simulations of "selfish" versus "cooperative" strategies for living, for instance, researchers have found that altruistic or cooperative creatures beat out selfish ones only in an environment in which the failure to cooperate is actively detected and punished. Sidewalk rage - anger over the selfish violation of a cooperative social norm that protects the group - is a nice example of that.

Reinforcing that theory is the result of recent studies (TCG note: I will delete 5 paragraphs here to not bore you with the psychological studies).

So take heart, readers. If you find yourself fuming at those who behave in ways that are uncivil in your culture, you may be exhibiting an emotion that was a key part in allowing civilization to exist in the first place. And to those who want to avoid enraging New Yorkers: keep right and let us pass!

Blogger issues... bear with me. All I can say is I'm glad February is almost over!

2011-02-24T21:31:00.001-05:00

How I Fell In Love

2011-02-14T08:27:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine called, facing another Valentine's Day alone. She broke up with a guy last month and called the 6 months of dating him "a total waste of time". She saw it that way because she found out he was a total jerk in the end and she is focused on time running out since she is getting older. I pointed out to her the good times she actually had with this guy (mainly the amazing places he took her), along with all she learned from it in the end. (Such as what she does not want in a guy ever again). It wasn't an easy ending but she learned a lot, she admitted. So a waste of time it was not, and perhaps a Valentines Day alone rather than prolonging something with the wrong person is the best place she can be this year.

That's what I don't like about Valentines Day. It sometimes makes people who find themselves alone this time of year, think they shouldn't be alone. I sure felt that way a few times, but looking back I was really quite happy when I used to go out with my old friends wearing my 'love sucks' pin out to the bars on Valentines Day. And even during those (very many) Valentines spent all alone, I was always just grateful to have my dad and his heart full of chocolates he would give me every year.
Life was that way for many years for me, and really it was just fine.

Fast forward to now, a couple years later...
In an attempt by N to get me out of the shoebox, he gave me NY Magazine and told me to pick a show to go see. My eyes instantly went to an Off Broadway (I always like them better than actual Broadway) show called, How I Fell In Love. The description read: Two lost souls seeking romance meet by chance, only to learn that their lives are more intertwined then they could have imagined.

Perfect. It sounded all too familiar. I wanted to know how they met. It couldn't have been as strange a way of meeting as I met N. Or could it? No, it wasn't as strange -at least not for New York City- Turns out, they met in the waiting room of their shrink's office. The next 90 minutes of the play, the 3 main actors are so good that you lose yourself in the story. And the ending isn't that happily-ever-after type you expect. But it makes you think - maybe we really do meet certain people in our lives only for a short time - to help us get to another level.

The screenplay writer says he wrote this play as he struggled with simultaneous transitions in his life. In the midst of his struggle, he found himself returning more and more to an idea I can really relate to - that life is best understood as a story, that events and relationships only truly make sense later, upon reflection.

I looked around the theater. Everyone was a couple. Old couples, young couples, middle aged, gay couples. Chances were we weren't all there with the one we will be with forever. But we were sharing a moment in time with someone who most likely might not be the one sitting next to us during a future play. But what this play showed was that perhaps our most important relationship in life, is not necessarily our longest.

So whoever is out there reading this, just like all of us watching the play the other day were told- you are living a moment in your own life's story.
How significant this moment is will only be clear later.

But in the meantime, make me one promise-
enjoy the journey and know that often times, being alone - all alone - are the times you experience the most growth in your life. And ultimately, finding meaning in the struggle is what it's all about.

~Happy Valentine's Day~

justice

2011-02-06T16:58:00.000-05:00

All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.

Finding Inner Peace

2011-02-03T12:04:00.000-05:00

It's a no-no to copy posts from other blogs. But the owner of my new favorite- Zen Habits- permits people to share his posts.

This one is helping me with some issues I've been having lately. It is really worth the read.

Taken from Zen Habits.com.

Tied Up in Knots? The Minimalist’s Guide to Inner Peace

‘Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.’ ~Victor Frankl
Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Gail Brenner, Ph.D.

Are you ready to be a warrior for inner peace? Doing less and organizing more simplifies for sure. But until you deal with the ways you get knotted up inside, your life will be complicated, and the glory of inner peace will elude you.
Inner peace is revealed when the inner war ends. We stop looking outside ourselves for solutions to our problems and, instead, turn our attention inward to make peace with our own experience. This simple movement of attention is revolutionary. It heals, calms, and clarifies like nothing else.

From Darkness to Light
We are experts at denying our experience. Take any habit that doesn’t serve you – compulsively shopping or staying busy, self-judgment, jealousy. If you trace it back to its root, you will find an expectation or feeling you have been avoiding.
These hidden aspects of ourselves thrive when we ignore them, leaving fear, desire, and lack to unconsciously drive our behavior. Once they are illuminated by becoming aware, we see how they operate, and we can make a different choice. No more conflict. No more confusion. Finally, peace.
Unearthing our inner experiences is like treasure hunting. Each one is a breadcrumb leading us out of the wilderness of discontent and into the light of a simple, conscious, lovely way of being. Suffering ends and freedom begins, leaving us available to happiness, wonder, enjoyment, and creativity.

The How-To
Exploring your triggers takes courage and openness. Prepare yourself for the journey by being willing:
To be honest
To feel pain but not wallow in it
To let go of the old and change
To contemplate a new kind of inner life not beset by distress and disturbance
To be happy and peaceful
Now, begin to explore. Showing up as a loving presence to yourself is one of the most sane and compassionate things you could ever do.
When you are triggered, rather than playing it out in the usual way, stop and breathe.
Simply notice the thought patterns, feelings, and bodily sensations that are present. Don’t freak out – just be curious. What are you thinking? What is the energy behind the thoughts? What feelings and physical sensations are present? These questions allow you to become familiar with how your habits work so they no longer control you.

Find the most loving place inside you – the soft spot that melts when you encounter puppies, babies, or those most dear to you. Pour this love into the tension and painful feelings. This is the healing balm that untangles the knot.
Rinse and repeat every time you are struggling.
Move forward in a way that supports your clarity, happiness, and well being.

Example #1: Holding a Grudge
Say that you have been carrying around a grudge for a decade or two. To keep this grudge alive, you must be telling yourself a story about what should and shouldn’t have happened. You feel churned up inside, and your reaction is activated every time you face a person or situation that triggers the memories. This is no way to live.
Your thoughts about what happened are keeping you stuck. Release yourself by letting go of the story and feeling right into the pain. Break it down into its elements – thoughts and physical sensations. This is the experience that’s been plaguing you all along. Love those tender feelings, then go forth with fresh eyes.
This process doesn’t condone what happened, and it has nothing to do with the other person. It’s a choice you make for your peace and happiness.

Example #2: Relationship Problems
How many of us blame the other person for struggles in our relationships? We get caught in the trap of “if only” – if only the other would change, then I will feel more peaceful. This mindset will never solve the problem because you are making your peace dependent on something you can’t control – what other people say and do.
If your relationships bring you stress, make peace with your own reactions. Turn your attention inward to lovingly meet the frustration, disappointment, or fear that is triggered in you. Even though you may not like what you realize, when you accept things as they are, you are at peace. And seeing your role in the problem unlocks the possibility of experimenting with new and compassionate solutions.

Example #3: Habits and Addictions
Maybe you engage in a compulsive pattern that involves your actions, thoughts, or feelings. All challenging habits mask an unexplored emotion, usually fear or sadness.
Do you want to bring ease to your inner world? Stop, breathe, and move your kind attention into the feeling you’ve been avoiding. Love it every time it arises. Then follow Leo’s advice on changing habits, and you are well on your way to freeing yourself.

Can you see the value of becoming aware? Any inner knot can be untangled when you pay attention to it. Start with whatever is troubling you right now, and know that every moment of awareness simplifies.

The process of becoming aware is not a panacea that instantly cures all your ills. But you will notice some changes – space, ease, and, a depth of peace you never knew was possible.

Gail Brenner, Ph.D. is a psychologist who blogs at A Flourishing Life. Stay in touch by subscribing to her feed.

Quitting Facebook

2011-02-01T08:43:00.000-05:00

I was the last of a group of people I know who signed up on Facebook. Actually, my old friend who swore up and down she would never, ever join Facebook was the last one, as she just joined last month.

For years, the site seemed silly. Like that old site MySpace – I saw it as a place for self-centered narcissists to show off.

But then I signed up to job network. It was kind of fun at first. But the networking didn’t get me anywhere. It did get me in touch with 98 people, and 80 of them really I have zero desire to be in touch with.

While talking with a business associate, she told me she doesn’t know how to have a social life in this city, saying everyone seems over-stimulated in this town with everything from our too-crowded subway commutes and competitive workplaces to the over-use of technology. She finds most people would rather go home after work, become hermits and go on to Facebook (or some dating site). She and her fiancé got so fed up with the Facebook thing that they just deactivated their accounts. “It brought me back in touch with people from grade and high school I normally would never want to have any contact with”. “Then it makes you envious of other people, and think everyone has it so good”. Here was a seemingly have-it-all 30 year old summing up my thoughts exactly.

It’s the same problem I have with the site lately. Don’t get me wrong- I want good for everybody. (Everybody who is good that is.) But I can speak for all my friends- looking up an ex on Facebook and seeing their ever-so-happy photos with their wives/husband and kids, can make you feel not-so-happy. Ten years ago we never would be seeing these (rather disturbing) images in our faces. True, it is one’s own choice to actually look – but show me one person who has not given into the curiosity and I’ll show a guy who has never said a stupid thing in his life. (haha). After all, it’s only normal that mostly all of us overestimate the happiness of others based on the posted photos.

And this isn’t just for people who are already miserable. The business associate is a perfectly happy girl – a fiancé, everything else seems to be going for her.. She just got fed up with the FB bullshit. The braggers, the show offs but most of all the lack of real human interaction. To me, there is nothing like sitting face-to-face with a friend having a real conversation with laughs. I just don’t get that connection feeling from on-line. Facebook to me is causing a disconnect from reality. I see my colleague who is obsessed with the site and his 487 “friends”, show me photos of girls all the time. (Like I care??) He then says he only gets to the phone with these girls. In the past year only 2 of about 200 have led to an actual date. I tell him to get out more in the real world. He doesn’t listen. Like millions others, he loves the site. He admits it is his “social life” after work.

What is disturbing to me is this colleague re-visits his past on a daily basis, and tells me about it. See, this isn’t good for people like myself who have that past memory portion of their brain much too enhanced. Then he gets down about the past people popping back into his life only to fade away again. Do we truly benefit from re-visiting our pasts? Like the woman I know who reconnected on FB with her high school sweetheart – they both left their unhappy marriages- only to find themselves single once again 3 years later. I’m sure there are good reunited stories too but I bet the not-so-good outnumber them. I’ve always found the past is better left there. Out of sight, out of mind. Facebook just keeps rubbing things you might not want to know, hear about or remember in our faces.

All this aside, my decision has been 99.5% made this week to sever the FB ties. Since the many 30-something friends who are now mothers have continuous conversations about their kids all winter long. And not in a good way (although there is that girl who posts photos daily of her “oh so handsome” 5 year old son and how he is going to be a “lady killer when older”). The mothers have been complaining about all the snow days. How they are cooped up in their houses (huge by the way- they post all the photos), with their kids driving them absolutely nuts. They're bored. They don't know what to do. Oh, pleeease!

Surely in the old days this must have gotten to some mothers too. But we didn’t all air this annoyingness all over for people to read. When did sitting home with your family making hot chocolate while snowed in for a day become such an unbearable thing?

The thing is we don’t know how good we’ve got it. Or how easy our lives are here in the States. Instead many of us choose to not see that and to bitch and moan. Blow tiny things out of proportion.

The old “friend” I dropped would send daily status updates on all the negatives of her morning commute, her job, her annoying and "stupid" co-workers. Then there were us unemployed people on there wishing if only we had a job to go into in the morning.

I think of a friend who is wishing she could have kids, reading all that complaining about kids day in and day out.

But the one who really gets me is the one who complains about her lazy husband…And the one friend on both our lists who lost her young husband. Are people so blind and clueless, or are they ignorant or cruel?

Maybe it’s a whole combination. Better off I don’t know. Surely my generation, and especially the younger have become much too self-absorbed. Myself included.

What I do know I’m a lot better off when I just focus on my own life. Somebody told me that years ago – Don’t be concerned about others lives and don’t concern yourself with the past. And years later it’s probably the best advice I can take. After all, the grass is always greener….

Buddha token

2011-01-29T18:19:00.001-05:00

My friend sent me this...she is posting on her blog. Having trouble attaching the photo..But I like the message:

A small, silver token with a Buddha imprint. This coin came with a line from the Buddha that is now on my vision board. It says, "The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." My friend gave it to me to celebrate a milestone I just achieved with my eating habits that I didn't think was such a big deal but she did (no victory too small!) and I am grateful for her thoughtfulness.

Take a moment to appreciate the gestures of love and appreciation that people show you in your life. Or, if you're feeling under-appreciated, can you either do something generous for yourself or take an action of appreciation for someone else? It's really simple but maybe that is why we need to be reminded so often.

How to Get Organized

2011-01-27T11:59:00.001-05:00

Snow, ice go away.
Don't come back on another day.

Sorry-- let me try to write about something productive for once...

For a very long time, probably as long as I can remember, I have had a goal to get organized. This sort of goes along with my personal goal to stop procrastinating. Why do today what you can put off til tomorrow? Well, "tomorrow" has turned into years...and years. I was given a book once called, The Art of Organizing - which is very good btw, problem is I haven't finished it still.

On the clutterdietblog.com I read this: I really like to point out to people that organizing is not just about tips, products, methods, or books. It's about PERSONAL CHANGE, and it requires more than just "cleaning up." It requires permanent changes in thoughts, habits and behaviors. Otherwise, your spaces "gain all their weight back," so to speak.

Gosh, it's kind of like the impossible weight loss diet.

I guess when you have nothing better to do during this snowy, cold month...you have no excuse but to get organized. N helped me come a long way with this. It sure helps you feel better once it is done. But the first step - Purge- is always the most difficult one for me.

So I'm asking if anyone has any favorite organizing tips, web-sites to share? Then again, I think I have all the sites, books and tips but like the blog author said above- it is about changing your mindset.

The most helpful tip I was taught that you group all liked items together. This comes in handy for strange people like myself who have collected a scarily large amount of soaps from hotel trips. The next step is purging them - donating them to a homeless shelter. It's incredibly hard for me to part with anything in life..I am very strange that way. But I guess this is a start.

Happy organizing/de-cluttering to everyone else who is determined to get it done in 2011!

The 2 websites I like:
http://orgjunkie.com/52-weeks
http://www.clutterdietblog.com/

A Fortune a Day...

2011-01-26T10:27:00.005-05:00

It never seems to stop snowing here, never gets above freezing, and from the looks of things on the street, it has gotten to everybody and we still have 2 months left.
California living is sounding soo good right now. I wish I could ship myself out there. N probably wishes he could ship me out there. Not only did he put up with me during my ultra bad winter last year, but this year too- homebound with the knee injury, bugging him all the time, him driving me around. If he makes it through this winter with me, the guy belongs in sainthood.

To show you just how exciting my life is, this winter I have started to collect my fortunes from all my fortune cookies. Told you I'm an exciting one. Seriously though some of these fortunes have been great. I actually spent half of the first day of my job reading fortunes, as the person who had the desk before me had saved about 80 fortunes in there. Guess they were the hopeful type.

So we'll let the best of the fortunes speak on the blog today...

Time heals most wounds. Time...give it time.

There is but one cause of human failure. And that is man's lack of faith in his true self.

A thrilling time is in your immediate future. ~This one I found impossible to believe. So I added those 2 words to the end.. A thrilling time is in your immediate future in bed.

People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

And the best two:
There are moments when everything goes well; don't be frightened, it won't last.

What doesn't kill me makes me stranger.

The Most Depressing Day of the Year

2011-01-24T08:32:00.002-05:00

Yeah- you've heard it before.. Reality of holiday bills hitting, the cold weather (try sub-zero in New York), lack of sunlight. Supposedly we're all more depressed today than the rest of the year.
Oh well, I guess that means things can only look up from today. Hopefully...

So there is absolutely nothing of importance or even of slightest interest I can talk about. My friend did have a very funny first date.. I'll have to ask her permission though before I tell it on here. I started thinking back to just how many either bizarre or awkward first dates I had. Many. But then again all first dates are at least awkward. Lesson #1 in dating: Never, ever (no matter how cute or interesting the guy seems) plan a full day to spend with the guy.

Being rather depressed lately, I feel laughter is the best medicine. So on this gloomy, 10 degree day, here is a laugh for you. Things you never think about in cold weather... We have all had bad dates but this one might take the cake:

Jay Leno on the Tonight Show polled people for their worst first date ever:
It was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem. Due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down. "And you thought your first date was embarrassing". Jay Leno's comment..."This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

If you're wondering what happened with the couple, as I most certainly was. The guy was seated right next to the lady. He married her.
:-)

Giving up on Mr. Perfect?

2011-01-17T08:08:00.014-05:00

Sorry friends, I've been having blogger issues. Hopefully this posts correctly:
The daily beast.com had written up a provoative book where the author, Gottlieb says women should just settle and give up trying to find the right man.

So I picked up the book. It received almost 5 stars on Amazon. Girls were claiming it changed their dating lives forever. As usual, I had trouble making it through, because like all singles books (which I really can't stand but in the past had still read a few), the book is too repetitive.

On one hand you could have the opinion that the writer on thedailybeast had - That Gottlieb is saying all women over 35 are doomed. They're sad and stuck at home. That, as hopefully most of us know, is total b.s. I have friends in their 40s, still single with very full, happy lives. Gottlieb only seems to think the single woman over 35 is miserable. My totally single girlfriends have more than a social life than I do, and more fun than my married friends.
Sure some single women are lonely. (gosh, just read back to the start of my blog). But that's only normal. It doesn't mean they're unhappy. And heck, it's much better to feel lonely and alone than lonely when you're with someone.

Then there are the miserable-marrieds. They make you swear you'll never take the plunge. But they just stay miserable and married, making you glad you are free. Why does the author have to idolize marriage so much? We don't all need it to be happy.

When I hold that opinion of the book I get angry. Why is this author basing life happiness on getting married?
Personally I consider people smart for wanting to spend spend 20+ years after college to travel, enjoy their freedom, their careers, or whatever they want, more power to them. I, for one, am very glad I turned a proposal down at age 23 and another chance at marriage at 30.

What makes me most mad about this book is she harps on age. Saying how it might just be close to impossible as a woman gets older to ever get married. To the author it seems like there were an abundance of absolutely wonderful men to date all through your 20s and well, if you didn't snag one then, chances are the good ones were all snagged by someone else. I think most would agree that dating during your 20s was not any easier.

Reality is, there are an abundance of guys and girls in their 30s and 40s are now out there and single again after divorcing. You know how many other good ones are out there simply because they decided to never settle down at a young age? Many.

Once I cool down, I look at the other opinion on the book - the point of the book that some readers swear changed the way they are towards dating for good. What Gottlieb points out that made readers realize their perfect man was right under their nose the entire time.
- The fact that no person will ever be 100% perfect for you, you will never be 100% sure on marrying him and there will always be some things about a guy (girl) you need to overlook.

I have a friend in her 40s...She still wants a husband, a baby and she has been on many more dates in her lifetime than I have, which is a scary number. Some seemed perfectly fine. But she always let some fault in the guy make her end it. "Never settle!", she would always say. I would think the guy seemed really good, but to her he was never good enough.

I sometimes wondered if she got rid of a perfectly nice guy too early on. I probably did during my dating spree. After all, there was always something. Then I would harp on that "something" until the whole thing fell apart.

One pathetic night a while back, I got on to Facebook. On there I saw every ex-boyfriend and old dates with their smiling wives or babies. Did I miss out on something- were those my only chance? Not at all. At that time, I knew deep down not one of those guys was the right one for me. And the proof, years later is in the pictures. I was never the right one for them either and they soon found their right one.

If you're in a less than fulfilling relationship, is the right thing to do marry him because it might be your last shot? Not at all.
But what the book does tell is you to stop over-analyzing every aspect of a boyfriend's personality. There will always be something you want different. But if you are fulilled by your relationship and the main qualities are there that are most important to you - caring, kind, good sense of humor, compatibility, chemistry- then maybe that really is good enough? Maybe Mr. Good Enough is better than waiting and hoping for Mr. Perfect. Maybe going about it this way really isn't settling at all?

My friend who is 45 now says she is still waiting for Mr. Perfect. She doesn't understand why she can't have every single quality on her wish list. Who knows if she is right to hold out on what could be forever for the perfect guy. She isn't receptive when I tell her to ease up on her requirements. Perhaps she sees it as lowering her standards and who am I to tell her to do that?

When I think about it all, the singles stuff gets to be all too maddening.
The only solution in my hopeless romantic mind suddenly comes back to me- and it is the only conclusion that I have ever been able to make about this crazy thing called love.
One is the never failing gut feeling- to follow your intuition all the way. It will never prove you wrong.
The other is my favorite I am sometimes made fun of for --- Fate.

As the writer pointed out. See, there's such a thing as luck, and there's such a thing as love. And when the time is right, sometimes the two forces combine.
Really, if you ask me, I think it might all be as simple as that.

When Cynicism Surrounds You....

2011-01-10T08:16:00.017-05:00

I talked with a couple of old friends recently. This was part of my plan to reconnect with some old friends through Face book. A good idea at the time, or so I thought.
When I last talked to S and J, it was over 10 years ago. Back then they were in their late 20s. Young, vibrant, with careers in Manhattan. One was engaged and the other happily married her college sweetheart. Since then they each gave up their careers, moved to suburbia and are raising 3 kids. Both expressed the same feelings to me - they are totally exhausted and fed up. Fed up with their husbands, with their finances. One even went so far to send me a recent picture of her to see just how exhausted she looks. I was at a loss as to how to respond. Were their husbands really unhelpful jerks or were they just run down by raising small kids, by the recession, by I don't know what? I don't have much experience in this area, it's been hard enough taking care of myself. So I enthusiastically ended one e-mail with, 'Here's to 2011 being a much better year for us both!'.
S. responded, "Umm..really? I seriously doubt that from what I see so far".
When I told J that I'm in a relationship with a nice guy that took me just about an entire lifetime to find - She replied, "Oh, it's always good when you're dating. Wait 20 years. My great aunt always said even the nices ones turn out to be jerks in the end".

Now I've surely been too much of a cynic in my time. But as N said when he used to read my blog, he found the cynicsm and self deprecication funny. What he liked most was that no matter how fed up I was, I put a positive spin at the end of each post. (Did I?). At the end of these e-mails with S and J I couldn't seem to put a positive spin on anything.
The new year is doomed. The nice guys are future jerks. Geez, what do these girls actually look forward to?

Sure we all know many cynics in our life. I come from a long line of them. Seems my sister inherited the cynicism from my mom and 5 aunts. It's funny at times but if you're surrounded by it too much, it gets old fast. These cynics never really seem happy to me. They don't share my hopeless romantic side or like to believe that ignorance is bliss.

Then I read this on-line article (source unknown):

AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING TOO EARNEST, let me say this: Cynicism is caused by broken hearts. Sincere belief in a company, a group, a system, or another person forces you to put something real on the line, something with deep tethers to your emotional core. If you offer that up, and you fail -- or others fail you -- your heart shatters.

Then the choice emerges. Either you fall into a fresh bitch spiral, or you do the most difficult thing any man can do: Believe once again. That means moving forward through the things that broke your heart in the first place

Now I've had my heart shatter more than a few times in life. And I've fallen into all the cycles- the pity one, the bitching one...You name it, I've felt it. But there is one feeling I always try to hold on to all along - hope. Which brings you out of your rockbottom state to believe once again.

Luckily Facebook later sent a positive e-mail my way. From an old friend I called my angel way back when I traveled solo on a flight from Australia with a broken foot. My seatmate turned out to be a nurse. She took care of me the entire long flight. She laughed for hours about my crazy date stories back then, and years later
she got the biggest kick out of the story of how N and I met and likes to mention some bird joke in her what seem to be quarterly e-mails. This one was different though. It read, "I'm ecstatic. I'm expecting! Yup, I'm 42, we are slightly scared to death but simply can't wait! I think everyone had given up hope, my mum especially on becoming a grandmother, but I never stopped believing."

So I guess through it all - the unemployment, the 98 horrific dates, the everything else not-so-good in life, that deep down I never stopped believing either. And in the end, it's that belief that brings exactly what you need to you.

How to Become a Positive Person

2011-01-06T08:08:00.001-05:00

As N and I thought about new year's resolutions - a few came to mind: Declutter (seems never ending for me), and become more of a minimalist (this is a necessity when you live in a 300 sq foot Manhattan apartment). And.... this year become more of a POSITIVE PERSON.

That's a toughie. This past year, positivity usually goes out the window within the first 3 blocks of my morning walk. I spent much of last year too negative. For certain reasons it was understandable but there comes a point where you just have to let things go. Complain less. Realize some people just suck, and let them go.

So far, so good. These days I hobble out on the crutches into the cold to N driving me to work (I am very, very lucky and grateful). I have a bunch of nice, helpful and thoughtful guys at the office. And many super cute, considerate stranger guys opening doors for me whenever I need. I am thinking that although getting around in this city on crutches is difficult, it brings you into contact in one single day with more people I would normally have contact with in 3 months. My theme from last year - most people are bad, or they all suck. Is turning into - most people really ARE good.

As for N, he is like a saint. We definitely ended up as nutbox neighbors for a reason, although the poor guy got way more than he barganined for me with me.

"Milk it for all its worth", says my friend. Yikes. I'm afraid I sure am.

And when I slip and want to hit someone with my crutch, I turn to this helpful list on becoming a positive person I found online (author unknown):

Realize it’s possible, instead of telling yourself why you can’t.
Become aware of your self-talk.
Squash negative thoughts like a bug.
Replace them with positive thoughts.
Love what you have already.
Be grateful for your life, your gifts, and other people.
Every day.
Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.
Don’t compare yourself to others.
But be inspired by them.
Accept criticism with grace.
But ignore the naysayers.
See bad things as a blessing in disguise.
See failure as a stepping stone to success.
Surround yourself by those who are positive.
Complain less, smile more.
Image that you’re already positive.
Then become that person in your next act.

Feel better after reading these tips? Yep, me too. Crutches and all.

Out With the Old, In With the New

2011-01-02T10:04:00.015-05:00

Happy New Year, everyone! Hope everyone had a great New Year's. I am not a big New Years Eve fan. Although blocks away there were a million revelers watching Snooki (I mean really, come on??!) drop the ball, I had no desire whatsoever to leave the nutbox I live in. So this year N. and I simply stayed in and celebrated it in the most fun sort of way. ;) It was hard to keep a straight face when family asked us where we were at midnight. But really, if you don't like going out on NYE then I highly recommend you to stay in to have the most fun plans right at the stroke of midnight!

It must be the weather lately, but I bet in September there will be a "blizzard baby boom" across the city. Really, there is nothing much else to do. We call a couple on our floor, "the rabbits". The rabbits are very nice, probably the most friendly couple I've met in the building. Mr. Rabbit always looks so very happy, while most in this building look rather glum. But the rabbits are very, very loud. I'm afraid the cranky old lady across the hall thinks I am one of the rabbits when I come out of N's apartment. As I did on New Year's Day and she shot me a very nasty look. No "happy new year", or friendly smile. Just the nastiest look you could flash somebody and a slam of the door. Geesh, and I thought we were always quiet.

Anyway....
Years past I used to write about new year resolutions. You know, they would usually last half a day. But really, why don't we just live out our good intentions throughout the year? Why have one day of the year to start over, when we really have the opportuity to start fresh any moment of every single day?

I'm going to state an intention every morning. Although 2010 started out terribly, last year ended up bringing some great things - most of all, the job. Now 2011 isn't starting out exactly as I'd like (I'm on crutches, more on that later).
I can still set an intention for each day. It lifts the heavy burden of having lofty goals, and reminds me I just need to make it through that one day. If I fail at the change I want to make, so what. There is always the next day. Or the next. (as long as I don't go through 365 days ;)

So join me this year in being easier on yourself. Treating yourself better. Taking better care. That is what I started to learn at the start of last year after an awful experience resulting in physical injuries. And at the start of this year on crutches, I am beginning to learn all over again....

~Best of good health, love and happiness to all of you in the new year~

Merry Christmas to all, and to All a good Night!

2010-12-25T08:54:00.001-05:00

Everything's a Cycle

2010-12-20T07:17:00.001-05:00

I've had a weekend on my own finally... I haven't called anybody, just turned inward, read a good Joel Osteen book, got rid of old stuff (doesn't that always feel good?) cooked and hibernated from the Christmas crowds and cold in my shoebox.

Yes, as one reader said- it is funny the things I can get sad about. Not being invited to the holiday party in some other country. I guess I was spoiled for so many years working- for some reason all the companies went all out with big parties.
I know last year most companies around her opted not to have a party.
This year more seem to be having one. Not that things are much better here than they were this time last year.
I laughed when I saw the headline last week of record Wall Street bonuses. Really sickening when there are soo many people still out of work, good friends of mine still looking hard and finding nothing. No bonus for this Wall Streeter but of course, just happy that paycheck still comes in.

I stopped into church Friday night...It was the same church I stopped at in Soho when I first lost my job years ago. I was at a real loss back then. No friends in the new city or much of any comfort really that first week of job loss. I felt my constant prayers were useless, like nothing would change.
I remember finding a quote at that time in a magazine that I kept, and during my organizing this weekend, I found it again.. My hope is for anyone out there looking - for a job, a relationship, or if you're stuck in what feels like a never-ending cycle, it helps..It helps you as it helped me, and to believe it really is true....

"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again".

Good and Bad in Threes

2010-12-16T20:06:00.012-05:00

Lately as I walk around I try to look for the good in people. Due to certain things that happened in life early this past year I try to remind myself that people really are good. It didn't take me more than 20 feet out of Tudor City to prove this theory wrong.
First there was a man who got out of his truck and asked a snooty looking business guy in his SUV to move so he could do his delivery job. "I'm not f*ing going anywhere, you can wait". This lead to a shouting match and as I kept walking in the brutal cold there were 2 nicely dressed businessmen yelling at each other on the street. Seems one got into a cab the other thought he was entitled to. After many swears back and forth the guy who lost the cab wished the guy to have a terrible day as the cab drove off.
Then into the subway to a crazy man yelling at everyone to "walk to the right or I'll punch you all", so I tell the MTA cop on the platform there's a crazy guy in the entryway. Surely nothing new for him but hey, you can never be too safe.
And then the third jerk of the day - which I now resort to because of the arctic temperature...the overly packed subway. Seriously so overpacked the door closed on my bag and when I asked a perfectly-dressed-in-Burberry girl to kindly move her
huge bag down so I could hold on, she flashes me an ice queen look and goes, "where the f*
do you want me to put it- shove it up my ass??". Part of me wanted to continue this little fight. Perhaps say, "well, your ass is a good place as it is certainly big enough for it" (that was my friend's comeback, I'm not that clever/quick).
Instead I flashed her a smile and wished her a good morning. If looks could kill with the look she gave me back. Really, I got a kick out of it. Perhaps taking the nice road is the best way with these nuts.

Then I go to my little office, at which I am all alone at all week. This, I have learned (too much alone time) is never good for me. All my co-workers went to that far away land to the corporate holiday party. Guess who had to stay behind? Yep.
So I started feeling sorry for myself- pathetically so. My first year working in 3 years and I still don't get a holiday party. I'm weird that way- I'm the only person I know who truly loves company holiday parties. Even if you can't stand the people, all that free booze and food- how could it be bad?
N is away too at his holiday party out west. And it was just then that I got a call from the front desk and the most beautiful bouquet of red flowers from N. Yay! Red now, no longer pink.
Then the building manager drops by to give me a bottle of wine. My favorite, as I had mentioned to him once. My officemate is convinced this 55 year old guy has some weird crush on me but hey, I'll take it. And then the e-mail from the corporate office telling me to go out tomorrow for lunch on the company at the nicest spot on Wall Street.

As I left work at 5:00 for the first time ever, I looked up at all the lights of the Wall Street Christmas tree and though I'll be the only girl dining alone at Cipriani's tomorrow, amongst all the groups of colleagues there for their holiday lunch, I'll certainly be the only one thinking to myself I'm the luckiest girl in the world and just so grateful that after so long this will be a gainfully employed Christmas.

And to everyone still looking- you'll be employed again soon too.
Cheers (with a Malbec tomorrow) to that.

The Good Ole' Days

2010-12-09T08:23:00.001-05:00

Hope everyone is doing well. It has been brutally cold in NYC, and I'm overworked and grumpy. It's actually so cold that I'm now taking the subway home...You know, like normal people. I'm not exactly spreading Christmas cheer these days, as I almost punched a few kids along the way chatting away on their cellphones, oblivious that some grouchy, frozen cold lady is trying to get past them on the street (that would be me)...And then I got this. Good for some laughs if you're over 30. I miss the goold ole days.

>>>>>author unknown, but I like his style>>>>>This is GREAT !!!!
If you are 40, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our butts! Nowhere was safe!
4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rats!
12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!

"Sometimes a small thing you do can mean everything in another person's life"

2010-12-01T08:04:00.001-05:00

I can't believe this is the third holiday season I've been blogging. The first season I was still new in this city, pretty much totally alone, out of work, and well probably pathetically focusing too much on what I didn't have rather than all I had.
Now I focus on all I do have. Which is enough. More than enough. I'm especially grateful for family and for that super nice guy who finally came along, when just 2 years ago I had given up all hope of even having one semi-normal date in this city.

In all the time I've lived here, I never came down to the financial district at Christmas time. It was always too-crowded Midtown. Let me tell you, it is beautiful down here with the holiday lights, old cobblestone streets. Feels more London-like than Manhattan.

I probably make one of the smallest paychecks on the street...And on some of the 14 hour days, when I had too much work for one person to do- I admit it, it got to me.
So the other afternoon I took off for an hour.
I walked down the quiet, cobblestone streets to clear my head. What I saw were the money making (and jerky looking) men coming out of Delmonico's and Cipriani. What struck me was the way they would all walk past the homeless on the street.
There are 2 homeless beggars I regularly pass on the way to work. One is always standing by a church asking for help. I am, ashamed to say, one of the thousands each day who simply pass this kid by.
The other is an older man, curled up on the ground covered in a blanket with a cup out for money. Most days, if I have looked, that cup is almost empty.

And now for my story from my former ever-sickening employer..
I was walking in Midtown years ago with my former boss (pulling in 5 million a year), our CFO (probably worth 800 million), and an out-of-town colleague.
She was low on the payscale, like myself, and she commented on how sad that on such a cold day there were homeless people asleep on the streets.
"They should go to California, where they all go", said the CFO and former boss chimed in with his obnoxious laugh, "yeah, they should be in San Francisco".

I don't think these creeps would ever once think of offering them even a dime.
And then there is myself who walk past them everyday.

So this year, I'm not spending any money on myself all month and limited money on gifts. Instead I'll give money each day to a homeless person and if not money, I'll buy them some food or a hot drink.

After all -
"We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give."
- Winston Churchill

Another Holiday Season....and the loss of its true meaning...

2010-11-29T08:20:00.002-05:00

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Thank you for the nice notes. And I'm happy to say that N. opted to come to Thanksgiving dinner with me and my family, and then do the long drive for a later holiday dinner with his own. :) After so many years solo at the holiday table, it was indeed very nice. The poor guy could barely stand up after experiencing his first Italian type of Thanksgiving. To say we each consumed 8,000 calories is definitely underestimated.

I must say the media was really ticking me off with all the Black Friday b.s. And today is 'Cyber Monday' for those back at work. Gimme a break. Heck, I'm happy as anything to be working again this holiday season but heck if I have the money or the time to spend online while working all day.

I think our country has lost the true meaning of Thanksgiving, and especially Christmas. If we had more respect in this country for tradtions and for each other, it would be a better place.
This was my favorite ad in the papers on Thanksgiving Eve from PC Richards:

"We have been doing this since 1995. We are taking a stand. This is an all-American holiday, not based on any race or religion. The stores that will open have no respect for American culture and no respect for their employees. Is Mr. Sears working? Is Mr. K-Mart working? It's not fair. They will be home with their families. Why be open one more day. They are open on Memorial Day, 4th of July, if they need to open one more day, they should go out of business. Don't take it out on your employees. We have been in business for 101 years. All of our 3,153 employees will be home tomorrow enjoying the holiday," said Gary Richard in a statement.

At least this CEO has the right idea.
This holiday season is going to be different for me, because I actually have a paycheck coming in. But it's not going towards shopping. It's going towards something else this Christmas. And if I get just one person reading this blog to join me on this, I'll be happy. More on that next time....

Solo at the Holiday Table ... by choice

2010-11-22T06:55:00.001-05:00

It's my favorite holiday coming up already - Turkey day, that is. Not Christmas. Why Thanksgiving? Because I get to eat and eat the entire day and my mom is the best cook on this side of the world.

Will I be spending it with N? No. Is that weird? Perhaps. Being that we seem to be happily together. You see, in those 7 years I was totally single, every Thanksgiving I would go out and rake my parent's leaves. Come in to dinner with my sister, her husband and kids and wish there was a nice, tall and handsome guy coming in with me from raking the leaves for what is the best Thanksgiving dinner in the world. Well, it sorta happened. Finding the nice, tall guy that is. But he won't be present at the Thanksgiving table.
If you've been following me for long. You know I'm..well...weird. And like attracts like. So weird attracts weird (but hopefully not weirder).
N. likes to be home with his family on Thanksgiving, as much as I like to be home with mine. So when I told him my parents invited him over, he seemed less than enthused. Almost as unexcited as I was when he told me I was invited over to his family's gathering. Whenever an ex had invited me over on this holiday, I fumble for words, not sure how to say 'thanks, but I have absolutely no interest'/
So we've opted to each go to our own family dinner alone.

I'm not so sure how this speaks for the relationship. But I am afraid one thing might be true. As bachelors and bachelorettes for soo long, we get stuck in our ways. We like what we like and want what we want. And in this case, my mother's food trumps all else. So why break 30+++ years of a good tradition? For a guy? Not worth it.

Sure part of me wishes he wasn't as intent as I am as sticking to his own Thanksgiving tradition. He said he would come over for the leftovers the next day. Should I want a guy to say screw it to his own family tradition and come over to mine? Not really. We are who we are and one thing I've learned through these past couple of years is that you sure can't change anybody else. And heck, most of the time I'm way too stubborn to change myself.

New Yorkers: Most Stressed in the Country

2010-11-17T05:39:00.000-05:00

To me, especially this past year, NYC feels stressful. I'm wondering if other neighbors out there feel this way? I envy those living in California where the vibe is much more laid back. I seem to have a love/hate relationship with the concrete jungle. But yet, when I get back from a trip or even the suburbs, I find myself missing it and saying there is no place in the world like NYC.

So it didn't surprise me to see this article in the Village Voice:

New Yorkers: Most Stressed in the Country (We Wouldn't Respect Ourselves Any Other Way) by Jenn Doll

Relaxation is overrated. Which is why this new survey that New Yorkers are the stressiest people in the nation -- with 75 percent of us citing stress about money --is, like, well, OBVIOUS. Who are the 25 percent of New Yorkers who don't have stress about money? Can we move in with them? And what kind of New Yorker are you if you don't say you're stressed, regardless of the question?

A bunch of complainy New Yorkers talked to a bunch of complainy news outlets about their various stresses with the economy, their jobs, the cost of rent, their health, and their personal safety. According to them, things are hard!

What is not mentioned by most of the articles coming out about this study, which you can find here, is that stress levels have actually declined for New Yorkers in the past years: "The average level of stress reported in New York City was a 6.1 on a 10-point scale in 2008, down to 5.7 in 2009 and 5.5 in 2010," according to the report. (Don't worry, guys, we're still stressed.)

Also, New Yorkers were better than most other Americans at dealing with their stress, more than half of us saying we're doing enough (walking, yoga, day drinking) to cope. Plus, we skip meals instead of carb-loading, so we're skinny! Boo-ya.

But, seriously, would any self-respecting New Yorker claim to be unstressed? Relaxed? Positively Zen? Hell, no. Partially because stress can't exactly be separated from the buzz you get by living here. It's part and parcel of the program. Most likely, you knew rents were high and jobs would be intense when you got here. You also knew life would be intense. Would you rather move to a retirement community in Florida and be "relaxed" with a resting heart rate of...oh, "taking a nap, wake me when something exciting happens"? If you're not stressed, what's the point of ever going on vacation?

Own the stress. Many of us do. And many of us are in denial:

When asked whether the fast pace of New York City increases their stress levels, New Yorkers are split between considering the pace of city life in New York as a contributor to their daily stress. Thirty-seven percent agree or strongly agree that it does, while 32 percent disagree or strongly disagree with that statement.
Beyond any of that, we live to complain.

To me complaining is a waste of energy. Come to think of it, many friends tell me I'm too laid back for the NYC area. But like the article said, stress can't be separated by the buzz you get from living here. And in the end, to me, that buzz is worth the high prices (in more ways than one) we pay.

Surviving Stress

2010-11-15T06:43:00.000-05:00

I'm back and sorry I haven't written sooner. The trip was a whirlwind and since I've been back things have sure changed - I have been working non-stop, looong days-- as in now I can barely keep up with the workload. Overworked and underpaid...most definitely. No social life? Absolutely. But hey it's a job. And the people are still super nice, respectful and the total opposite of the nuts I used to work for.

I can't explain my life in words lately. But I take the one day at a time approach. Surviving this concrete jungle. Surviving myself, really. That probably doesn't sound too good, huh?

I will write more when I have time, but to the people who emailed me that they are now out of work-- or are soon to leave their jobs. The best advice- those first few months off - just ENJOY it. It will all work out in the end....

In Search of... Balance

2010-10-25T07:52:00.001-04:00

I should get the worst blogger award. Worst commenter award as well.
Seems TCG is having major issues finding time for those things I used to have plenty of time for -- writing, working out, blah, blah.... And I apologize. Please do know all your comments always mean a lot to me.
So once again I find myself facing what regularly becomes a problem in my life - finding balance.

So a quick sum-up... Yes, I'm still working. Imagine that. They've kept me. It's a huge adjustment. I'm still weird and walking instead of taking the subway. The first week is a blur. I remember feeling relieved/exhausted/proud of myself coming home that first Friday night. But then I thought? Wow- I have to do it all over again on Monday. So like anything else, you get used to it, get into the groove.
For a while there there was no work to do. I was too paranoid to surf the net, so I am not quite sure how I occupied myself the 9 hours of the day.
But now they are sending me away. (Work that is -- for work). I'm off to a strange land...actually an international city I have always wanted to go to! (would name it but paranoia keeps me from giving TMI. After all, I have the funny co-worker stories to start sharing.) I am half thrilled, half scared to death. They think I need to spend some time in their main office. Perhaps I am not the only one who doesn't know what to do with myself, the NY office might not either....So off I go...Hopefully with some stories upon return.

Wishing everyone a happy week and to all my friends who are still looking-- keep at it, that interview will come along when you least expect it! Good luck.

Manifesting.... it really does work

2010-10-11T22:01:00.001-04:00

Ah, so nice to have Monday smiles. Never thought I'd say that. Monday blues was more like it last time I was working. Heck, my former colleague and I used to get depressed on Saturday night because that meant we only had 1 day left before we had to go back to another dreadful week at that place. But not anymore!
I'm just so happy to have a job, every day could be Monday and I'd be happy. And the people are a pleasure to come into every morning. Really, maybe this is too good to be true. Granted, most of them travel 90% of the time, so it will just be me by myself a lot of the time, but that's nice in it's own way.

As for Wall Street, I like it much better than hectic Midtown. The streets downtown are cobblestone, narrow and quaint, with Hudson riverviews nearby! A lot of pluses
(minus the low salary, but hey, its a salary)
but now for the weird thing...

A year ago someone told me to make up a list. A list describing your idea working situation. On that list were 5 items:
Nice, sane people (so far, so good)
Headquartered in a particular country (amazingly it is)
European-style vacation benefits (yep!)
Respectful co-workers (yep)
Doesn't require me to wear a suit every day (hey, I spent 2 years in yoga pants).

This same friend left me a voice mail about 6 months ago. It was at the point I never thought I'd find a job again. This friend has claimed to be semi-psychic before. On the message she said, "I had the most vivid dream, you were working for a great company downtown, wearing a pink shirt, walking by Battery Park and you were SO happy".
I remember at the time I was like, "yeah, right, and like I really want to work downtown!"
I think back to my interview day, I walked down by the water in Battery Park, took off my suit jacket and there I was in my pink shirt with a feeling that finally.....this was it.

Work Rules to Live By

2010-10-06T07:00:00.003-04:00

First off, I have to say a great big THANK YOU to everybody for all the congrats and well wishes, and of course, the advice. I really appreciate it.
For some reason I still can't figure out how to get my comments to publish, hopefully Blogger can fix and then I can respond to each.

The first week of work is usually the worst week. But it has been surprisingly good--the people are super nice and the workflow, well, let's just say it feels really good to actually be paid for doing 9 hours of nothing. I even get unlimited free flavored coffee and tea all day, imagine that?!! (the things you miss during unemployment). I know the slow pace will change, so I think I'll just enjoy the slow pace of newness while I can.

As for the questions about N, etc... I know I haven't written much about my personal life. There are certain reasons for this. I know I will tell more about it all on here someday or perhaps it will all be in the book. :)
For now I know that things really do happen for a reason, we certainly do meet people for a reason. An incident that happened has made me realize this now more than ever.
I spent a good time taking care of myself, I went over the edge for certain personal reasons, sought some help and trust that things only get better from here.
Like a long time reader has said on here, "most importantly - take care of yourself first, the rest will follow".

So as I said, more on everything another time. For now I'll repost some 'most viewed' old posts on unemployment and my 2 old favorite subjects - dating and food - back from the unemployment days.
Luckily I seem to have gotten over my fear finally of working for an egocentric, pyschotic workplace again, and if I always follow these rules, I know it will all be okay..

Welcome Back to the Rat Race

2010-10-04T06:01:00.002-04:00

It's like I'm a five year old going off to their first day of kindergarten.
Ever helpful N (yes, he is still in the picture, but that deserves its own post someday) insists on driving me to work my first day. He even packed me a lunch. How sweet is that?

Funny how life works. When I moved in here I never imagined any of the things that would have happened and that after being out of work for so long I will now be working on Wall Street. Yes, perhaps Tudor Ccity Girl should now be called Wall Street Girl. Yes, the blog will be called:
Surviving Wall Street (when you make the lowest salary on the Street) or...
Making Peanuts on Wall Street.

I used to wish for a job at this financial company where I heard the assistants have an easy time of it - a nice huge office building just 2 blocks from my apartment. Yes, I am lazy. Now I have to schlep myself on the dreadful subway every day as normal people do and hope not to get body groped. And let me tell you if I do, the guy will have no idea what the hell hit him in the so fast.
Anyway, I'm weird about the subway. I am known to walk the entire city for 2 years because I absolutely detest the subway. But now I have to take it every day.
But hey, it's a job...A real job finally... I can't complain about how I have to get there.

Well, WSG/TCG (I'm having an identity crisis) is off now for her first day of school..oops, I mean...work in 2 and a half years.
Wow.

Waiting a Long Time for Mr. Right (that's an understatement)

2010-09-30T21:50:00.005-04:00

I liked this story. As I like to say with the job search and anything you want...There's always hope!

For first-time bride, 85, love is better late than never

Ruth Franz waited a long time for Mr. Right — 85 years.
On Monday, she will marry Henry Jones, of Wallingford, Conn., after a three-month courtship, The Middletown (Conn.) Press reports.
While the wedding might seem quick, Ruth and Henry have known each other for 40 years.
When Ruth took over her father’s metronome business, Franz Manufacturing Co. in New Haven, in the 1970s, she brought Henry on as a business partner.

At that time, they were partners in business only. Henry was married to another woman. She died a year ago.
Through the years, Ruth and Henry retired and were in touch at times, but things changed in June when Henry called Ruth, the Press reports.
“I love her dearly because of the way she thinks and the way she loves the Lord. We’re singing off the same sheet and that’s all you could want in life,” Jones told the Press. “She’s the most wonderful woman in the world ... and she’s beautiful - I’ve always thought she was beautiful.”
Franz told the newspaper that she always dreamed of marrying but did not find a man she wanted to marry until Henry.
But, when Henry proposed, Ruth said, “I’ll think about it.” She said yes.
“I’m believing when I walk down that aisle and he sees me in the dress, the Lord will restore his eyesight,” Franz told the Press.
“I’ll have to be careful not to shout, ‘Hallelujah!’” Henry said.
The wedding happens on Monday because Ruth’s family is in town for a memorial service for her late older sister, Marie Stone.
“We prayed she’d get married all these years,” Ruth’s niece, Christine Thomforde, said. “She’s a wonderful person and she’s always been content with her life, but I’m delighted they’re getting married. They’re very giddy.”
After the wedding, they will head to Old Saybrook for a honeymoon.
Franz said she can’t wait to see the look on the face of the hotel clerk, because they booked their room over the phone as honeymooners.

What a long, strange trip it's been

2010-09-29T21:36:00.001-04:00

And I emphasize long.
My sister is on unemployment benefits now. She e-mailed me "I can't believe you did this for over 2 years!". I seriously had no idea what she was talking about. I had to think long and hard for many minutes -- which weird thing I've been doing for 2 years that she was making fun of- after all, that is her favorite thing to do-- make fun of me. Oh yeah, being unemployed. It had become so normal that now working feels odd to me.

Well let me tell ya, time flies when you're having fun and that first year it sure was fun. But like everything, it got old and so someone from above must have seen some help was needed and out of the blue this job came along (more on how it came along later). So the time has come to return to the rat race. Hopefully in a much more normal environment this time around.

So if you're out of work, I say enjoy it the best you can. I know it's hard not to worry about money, etc. But I also think that everyone can use a break once in a while and everyone I know who has been laid off looked back on that break time as one of the best things that ever happened to them.
And if you're stressed, try not to worry. You'll get through. Ask for some help from above and you'll see many people and surprises come your way to get you where you're meant to be next. Just trust and you'll see. All in good time.

For now it is going to be a trip down memory lane along with sharing my top tips to survive unemployment in the concrete jungle...and soon I'll post an update on the new job, which I just hope more than anything includes working for sane people. They all seemed almost too nice and normal during the interview process.
I guess we shall see...After all, everybody appears normal at first...

My Blog has gone crazy...and so

2010-09-27T21:23:00.004-04:00

have I!

I haven't signed on in so long and now I see blogger randomly posted drafts I had saved...from last September??!! Haven't read them but see something about Cupid and trying to get organized....Yeah, that sounds like me.
Anyway, I am nervous about the start of work! It feels like the first day of school...It has been sooo long.
I can't thank everyone enough for the well wishes... and I promise to be back blogging soon. I have a lot to tell and a new take on the blog.
You know, part of me didn't think I could do this job...It didn't feel real that I actually got an offer. It had been that long. But I guess no matter how unsure or insecure we feel at times, we have to remember we CAN do whatever we put our minds to...As long as we really want it.

How To Be Single

2010-09-27T12:57:00.000-04:00

Cupid

2010-09-26T20:35:00.000-04:00

Julie & Julia and some answers

2010-09-26T13:03:00.000-04:00

Have you seen this movie?
I finally did and wasn't too thrilled. Although it did keep my attention for 2 hours and 10 minutes and usually I give up halfway into a movie. Meryl Streep definitely overdid the Julia voice/accent and it became unbearable for me towards the end and what an ending that was! (not!!)
Maybe I'm a bit jealous. I hear that blog lady in real life is a total psycho who cheats on her husband (I still have yet to read her real blog but friend has), but she had a damn great idea. I love cooking and would love to try that. I also give up on most things halfway so it would be a great challenge to commit to 365 days of new recipes.

Food

I grew up in an Italian household where food was the answer to everything. Have a bad day? No worries- lasagna! A bad break-up? Brownies! Not feeing well? Eat!!

And now for another answer...Long time friend here has been asking what the deal is with N. I guess I'm not at all specific with it on here.

I had

Organize Me

2010-09-25T11:08:00.000-04:00

I'm getting a bit overwhelmed with my resolutions. The main one is, of course, to find a job. Not making much headway there. The others are to stop procrastinating and to get more organized. I'm reading articles, finding books on the matter but already find myself putting it off.

I mean really, have you ever seen any of these websites on getting organized?
getorganizednow.com has my head spinning just from looking at the homepage. Can't they simplify this stuff for the easily overwhelmed? Then there was this one if you really want to make your head spin: www.onlineorganizing.com. No wonder one of their first tabs is: ADD / ADHD Checklist
Who the heck has the attention span to look through that site?

So I have scoured the interent and will post the best tips/sites that seem useful to help me make the changes I so need to make, and hopefully help out someone here too:

http://www.hgtv.com/topics/organization/index.html

It's mid-morning, and several minor crises have already derailed you. Your plan for the day is in shambles, your to-do list feels like a boulder around your neck, and all you want to do is hide. You’re reaching for a Diet Coke in the hopes that it will give you the energy to decide which item on your list to tackle. Then you remember that there’s another way. You make the choice.

You feel your feet connecting with the ground beneath you. You take a deep breath and reach your arms overhead, exhaling with a huge sigh. You put your hand on your heart and recall feeling balanced and flowing, trusting the flow of life. You gently ask, "What choice feels the easiest in this moment?" You visualize yourself bringing this question into your heart, and take a breath or two to infuse it with flow and peace. Perhaps a brief image of your sister comes to mind. Or maybe you hear a refrain of an old song, and when you focus on it, you realize it reminds you of your sister. Or perhaps you remember the feeling of your sister hugging you. You call your sister, have a lovely chat, and when you get off the phone, you have new energy —enough to move you forward to the next task awaiting you.

Do you begin to see to get the picture of how this approach flows with life? I’m not proposing you sell your worldly possessions and move to the woods to live in an unheated yurt. I’m not recommending you consult crystals or the I Ching before moving a muscle. What I am saying is that when you think you’re lost, overwhelmed, and without direction, you do “know” what to do to restore your balance and your direction–but it’s a different kind of knowing, one you already possess, and need only be reminded of how to access.

This is part of the process I call "Life Organizing." It's infinitely richer than plotting your days in 15-minute increments in your day planner, but it does require trusting your own experiences. It involves a quick in-the-moment check-in that lowers your stress while allowing you to move beyond your conscious mind and respond with creativity and intuition to challenges and opportunities. Here are some of the check-in steps from the example above:

1. Connect: Move your body – breathe deeper, stretch your arms overhead, step outside and feel the breeze on your skin- anything that connects you with your life energy.

2. Feel: Tune into your heart, which can give you information your head can’t. Simply put your attention on your heart, perhaps by placing your hand there. Recall a time in which you felt loved and appreciated or loving and appreciative toward someone else. Linger there for a few seconds.

3. Inquire: Ask a mindful question. This opens up possibilities you literally couldn’t see before. In the first example, the mindful question was: What choice feels the easiest in this moment? Another of my favorite questions: What do I need to know right now?

4. Allow: To allow is simply trusting that by connecting, feeling, and inquiring, you will hear or see or feel or sense what your next step is—and only your next step.. Allowing is not about belief: it’s about noticing your experience and opening to your next step, allowing love, inspiration, and knowing to come into your body and heart, to inform and direct you.

When You Least Expect It....

2010-09-13T21:53:00.002-04:00

Expect it!

I want to thank everybody so very much for the congrats e-mails and comments and especially for the encouragement over the years....yes...yearS of unemployment!
The grueling search, the down times, the loneliness, many of you were here through it all. Along with the year of horrible dates, which thankfully also ended (in a rather peculiar way- more on that later).
And you know what is so strange as I sit here outside my building and write this-
My life is entirely different in so many ways from when I moved into this building over 2 years ago. And when did things change? When did the major things I wanted so badly actually happen? Yep, when I least expected it.

But what about the time in between? The time in between when the biggest moments in your life finally happen to you. Those are the times when most of life actually takes place. And more on that tomorrow....

I Interrupt your workday for this news flash

2010-09-09T09:38:00.002-04:00

I am sorry I've been so absent. Weeks went by. Really the only lift I would get some mornings was handing my doorman a Starbucks gift card. Really when feeling crummy, giving really is the best thing to do to lift you up. But my days of wandering the city are over. I am very happy to announce...For the first time since writing this blog...TCG will be employed!!! Yes, the wish of landing a job before summer's end has actually happened! And I'm very grateful.
But I think of all my other unemployed friends in real life and who have been with me on this blog for soo long...and I'm saying prayers for all of you that you land something soon and hope to help along the way in any way I can...Just e-mail me.
Really the unemployment road DOES come to an end. I was starting to think it was impossible in this city. It isn't. Just remember- when you're at the end of your rope, always keep even a tiny glimmer of hope because whatever it is you want - the relationship, the new apartment, the job...It WILL happen. Heck, it took well over 2 years and the offer letter did not at all feel real but it's proof-- there's always hope!

Letting Go .... of yourself

2010-08-24T08:02:00.001-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvTaTM4Fio4

Thanks to everybody for all your comments and e-mails and I am sorry I have been bad with responding. Now that I have time, it seems google has removed the 'publish' for comments. If anyone else has this issue of not being able to publish their comments, let me know. I love all the comments..Thanks for sharing. Some really struck me hard.

What I've realized lately is that I am beyond sick of myself. Well, actually I realized this many months ago.
I came across a website on finding happiness. It read: Is it any wonder so many people ask “what’s the point?” or “what is the meaning of life?” Most of us need to be part of something. Find a group, volunteer, go to church. GET OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF.
The self is often a problem; find ways to lose yours, rather than constantly celebrating or expressing it.

There's a lot to be said for loving yourself. As silly as it sounds, life improves dramatically when you really love yourself and treat yourself well, especially when nobody else does. But a self-obsession on one's own life, problems, love life, etc. is never good and so the past few days I have finally let go and it feels so much better. No more over-thinking, analyzing, ruminating. Don't tell my Catholic mother, but I am afraid I'm turning into some sort of Buddhist-following, meditating yogi "strange sort of person", as she calls them. But really this lifestyle brings so much peace.
Be in the moment. The now. It really works.

It's still hard as hell to focus the mind only on the present. Especially my mind which definitely has an abnormally large part of the brain that holds on to past memories. So as I was sitting out by the river overlook on to the lights of Long Island City, my mind goes backwards to when N and I first sat out here with our wine - last summer- the beginning of what would be a year.
There it goes again- my mind thinking backwards.
I needed some sort of ritual...Some sort of letting go act like I did way back on my solo Argentina trip. As unbelievably kooky as it sounds, that river overlook has some type of energy- something that makes your wishes come true.
So I wrote down a quote I have always heard but never fully understood until now.

And then it dawned on me that I never fully got it before because I had never truly loved a guy before. So I wrote it down, and threw it over the bridge, knowing that one day I will have my answer....

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it was yours. If not, it was never meant to be....

Clueless

2010-08-17T16:49:00.001-04:00

At weddings they say
Love is patient
Love is kind
But that experience has not been mine

It’s more like Love is clueless
Love is scarily blind
True love feels impossible to find

Here today, gone tomorrow
Love brings happiness? Heck, more like sorrow.

Why bother? Heck, being single is easier day to day
No one to cook for, clean up after or get mad at dumb things they say

Sometimes I wish I could just pack it all up and go away
Forget this quest, perhaps turn gay

For some reason though I’m always stuck with this darn hope inside
That I am wrong and a guy really exists who wants to be all mine....

The Good in Contacting an Ex

2010-08-16T09:03:00.006-04:00

Shouldn't have done it. That's what everyone thought.
My "excuse" was I was trying to obtain a lawyer referral (since he knows good ones) for a friend. Now I know lots of lawyers. That was not a legit reason to contact him.

Amazing how 7 years later, his email work address pops up within the exact 15 minutes it used to always take him to respond back when we were together 3 years:

"Hi! Wow. It has been so long. All is well here. Hope all is well with you and your family". I thought to myself, yeah- like he really cares. Disappeared on me at Christmas time and my dad, who he spent a ton of time with had recently recovered from cancer surgery-he sure never cared to check in on that.
He didn't mention the wife and 2 kids. The ones I only know about from a bored day at work 5 years ago when I found his wedding and baby registry.
At the risk of sounding psychotic, I will stop here. Just as I did not respond back to him.
At the time I had no idea what I was trying to gain from contacting him. I certainly didn't have a desire to ever see him again. And did I really expect the ego-maniac to say, Gee Lex, I am really sorry I disappeared on you like that and ended up marrying the girl I left you for.

No apology needed. He did me a favor. That much I know. Sure after ending it with N I got to thinking back to the old ex of things I missed- all his fun friends and parties, but certainly not his lying ways.

Perhaps I just wanted to be slapped in the face with how he and his friends all now have families of their own. And how I seem to always be either stuck in the same direction or moving backward.

So I went for a 2 hour walk in the rain, trying to figure out why my mind went so far in the past and then it dawned on me. It wasn't just that I never had closure. I guess I never fully dealt with it...

I contacted him in an attempt to understand how in the world my love life turned so disastrous. Amazingly I did actually gain something from contacting the old charming schmuck - I realized that disastrous ending caused me to have a deep lack of trust the rest of my dating life.
Ultimately it spilled into the relationship with N. Which surely would follow me into any other future relationship.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks, as thoughtful and great as N was - as much as I thought he was the nice guy I had waited so many years to meet -
We simply never stood a real chance.

Advice Not Taken. Never Contact an Ex Boyfriend

2010-08-12T11:35:00.007-04:00

Sorry, guys.. I know I haven't written much personally. The last time I did, Google had changed all its ads on my blog to 'top therapists in Manhattan', "Reclaim your Brain". And so I decided to take time off and do just that.

Are N and I back together? Well I thought so. But honestly, I wonder if it's just easier in this life being single. A girlfriend said to me that life in the city is just easier when you have a boyfriend. True in some ways, I guess - like when something breaks, or perhaps you need some heavy lifting ? But I don't know, lately my mindset is- you don't need a man for anything.

I could tell the story of how we got back together, the "sign" I received (me and my silly signs), but maybe another time.

Perhaps maybe I've wanted more. More with someone who isn't quite ready or open enough. N is someone who is great in so many ways but maybe not in the exact way I need.

When I went downtown for an interview it was right next door to my ex-boyfriends office building. When I got back I googled to see if he is still with that firm. And then I did it - e-mailed him. I started to think that maybe these problems I have with a relationship... Maybe I just never got closure from the last.
And I can't believe that I'm sitting here...waiting for an e-mail response from him after he pretty much disappeared on me way back when on Christmas Eve..7 years later....

Living Simply

2010-08-10T09:02:00.000-04:00

I love all your comments. Thank you so much. I have been terrible with responding on the board and e-mails, but I will.

I once had this friend I went to college with. He was the most happy go-lucky guy. After graduating he moved across the country to work for Microsoft. I went to visit him when I was 22. He was telling me to move out there and he could get me a job. The office environment seemed great – jeans every day and people brought their pets to work, it was laid back and the money was good. But I wasn't as gutsy or adventurous so I gave into fear and opted to stay close to home. So I stayed for many years in the Northeast, while my friend thrived at MicroSoft and received enough stock options back then before the stock soared to retire at age 32.
I talked to him last year while unemployed, living in a shoebox and kicking myself for never attempting that move to Seattle to work at Microsoft.
I told him I was upset as a friend came to visit, looked at my apartment and asked – how do people live this way? (in such tiny quarters). I told my friend I kind of like being a minimalist and reminded myself that I wouldn’t always be in an apartment so tiny. Then reminded myself more that although that girlfriend of mine has a lot of money, she is always complaining about bills, always unhappy even though she was always buying the next big thing. I sensed I was happier than she was, even though I had zero spending money.

My Seattle friend went on to say how although he is retired very early, he and his wife have chosen to live simply. That being with friends and family is what makes them happiest. Sure they have a nice home and take some nice trips but he doesn’t feel the need for material things. Instead, he gives a lot to charity, spends his days in the outdoors and cooks most meals at home.

So I really liked when he posted this article on FaceBook last week and want to share it below. I think it sums up most what you learn from long-term unemployment. As long as you’ve got the basics covered, some friends and family – To be happy, true happiness that is - You really don’t need much else.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/08/business/08consume.html?ref=global

Life is What happens When you're busy Making other Plans

2010-08-04T11:22:00.003-04:00

On my long city walk (really, everybody makes fun of me that I choose to walk 70 blocks in the heat than take the subway)
I was thinking of my large visions I had of my life years ago back at age 25. I planned out a couple more years single, have a kid by 30. Hahaha. If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.
I guess the only plan that actually worked out was I finally moved to the city I always wanted to live in - NYC. Proof you can make your own dreams come true, even if it takes 10 years.

A friend of mine is a big believer in the power of intention (yes, I have proof that works) and planning goals out. She has the energy and determination in life of 3 people and I don't think there is one goal she ever set for herself that she did not meet.
But she added something interesting to her last e-mail, and that was that the best things in her life, at age 32 now, turned out to be the things that were unplanned. Her change of careers, not by choice, at first. Her walking into an office at a dreadful investment banking job to meet her office mate, who 2 years later turned out to be her husband. And now her biggest unplanned event- a new baby.
When I look back, I met the boyfriend when I least expected it as well. Through a bird flying through a window none the less.
Lost the job unexpectedly and it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened. So I guess what I'm saying today is that it's okay that we may not be where we hoped, dreamed or planned of being. How things are right now is how they are meant to be. And if you're down on your luck and wondering if what you want will ever happen, just know that it certainly will...When you least expect it. And those are the things that usually turn out to be the best.

Lexie Returns....from the mental break (which should have been in a mental institution)

2010-07-28T09:02:00.002-04:00

Sort of returns.

First off, my apologies for being absent so long. I miss all of you and all of your comments, and thank you for the many I am catching up on. I hope everyone is doing well and at least better than I am.

Quite simply, I am at a loss. A total and complete loss.
Yes, I've taken time to myself. But lately all I am feeling in life is - Is this all there is?
Most of the reason I'm not blogging --Don't want to bring anybody down and heck, if anybody following this is already down my latest thoughts will only make it worse. So I figure, why bother? I plan to be back full time when I'm up again.

For now all I feel is....the heat in this city sucks, realizing most of your friends in life aren't really true friends sucks, and well,I've said it before... love sucks.
But, I'll leave you with this as I've said the past 2 years, and I guess it's what keeps me going:
There's always hope!

Sometimes the Hardest Thing to Face...if Yourself

2010-07-17T10:25:00.001-04:00

"Nobody ever did, or ever will, escape the consequences of his choices.”
-Montapert

fake it 'til you make it

2010-07-17T09:29:00.000-04:00

Pleasant Surprises

2010-07-12T09:37:00.000-04:00

Hope everyone is well.

Seems along with the crazy heat wave, my brain has shut down. Taking some time but certainly will be back soon.
I'm thinking of the good things learned the past year...Things people told me that I had stopped believing in.
If this blog could accomplish anything in the long run, I hope it offers some hope.

#1. There really are good, nice guys out there and yes, even plenty in NYC. I think the key to meeting them though, is you have to approach them. Sorta like with N.
#2. From what I'm hearing from others working new jobs, there ARE good, nice companies to work for that are pretty (let's face it, not completely) normal.
#3. I've learned a damn heck of a lot during this unemployment time and as tough as it can be at times, out of work time is a sort of blessing, so try your best to enjoy it.

More later in July...Am taking off and hope to come back cured of writer's block.
Best of luck to everyone in the job search...

Better Single, Than Sorry ... and oh my, It's July?!

2010-07-01T09:02:00.001-04:00

Of course as you grow older you realize just how true this saying is. After all, never settle. As for the Better Single Than Sorry book, written by a former Bachelorette, Jenn Schefft - Well, nothing about it is too good. From her writing style to the repetitiveness of it. It seems she also doesn't know the difference between settling and compromise.
I guess what I've finally learned is that any successful long-term relationship requires some compromise. But there is a big difference between that and settling.
I won't go on and on. But basically, I think if we are settling with somebody, we know it deep down. Then it is smart to get out. But I've also learned after my many years totally single that you have to look past some things, and compromise.
After all, nobody's perfect but I'll always believe there IS the perfect somebody out there for everyone.

I can't believe the Fourth of July is here already. Amazing how fast the year has flown. I haven't even been able to think about plans. But one thing I have given a lot of thought to is my relationship. I dream of going back to the oceanside place N and I went last Fourth of July. I know all is not lost and want to see where this all will lead. So I'm taking the advice of a long time reader's comment he left below:

Me: Obviously there is something wrong with me.

Really?

Or is that just an excuse?
I believe you are back in New York. Miss N? Go knock on his door. Tell him.
Make it his move!

And so I will and we shall see where this whole Tudor City love story goes.
In the meantime, everyone have a very fun and safe Fourth of July and here's to July being a much better month!

The Edge of Reason ..... and some news!

2010-06-28T09:01:00.002-04:00

Last time I had a meltdown I locked myself away for a week and read too many self-help books. Today I'm not going to quote from Joel Osteen, Louise Hay or that Rabbi who wrote that damn good book, Conquering Fear.
I'm going to quote from the one character I can always relate to. The one who seems so real, we have to remember she is fictional: Bridget Jones

If only I could write a book as good as Helen Fielding. Although the first book is much better, I thought I'd give the second another read. I think Fielding needs to write a third, but please not another movie.

So with a few of her lines below and some of mine. (I'll italicize the book's lines as copying them be considered plagiarism ?) She writes the exact thoughts racing through my head. This about sums things up:

Caloric intake this weekend: Quite possibly 23,457 - mostly from ice cream and chips. Have you ever had those hint of lime Tostitos? They are addictive.
Had a lot of making up to do for week not eating.
Negative thoughts: spiraling out of control after semi-successful work on positive thinking.

Very depressed. Although after reading books realize have to learn to love self and live in the moment, not obsess but think of others and be complete in self but just feel awful. Really miss N so much. Why did I get so afraid? Obviously there is something wrong with me. Just getting older and older and is clear nothing is ever going to work out so might as well just accept am always going to be alone and never have any children. (it's okay- not sure if I want them anyway).

Am rather confused - From reading The Road Less Traveled, realize you can't have everything you want in life. (But then The Secret says we can.) Maybe the truth is you can have some of what you want but not everything you want? Is not what happens to you in life that counts but how you play the cards you are dealt.
Am not going to think about the past and procession of disasters with men. Am going to think about the future. But that contradicts with the Zen-like state where you find peace only by being in the moment.
In turmoil. Surely it cannot be that reading self-help books to improve my relationship has destroyed the whole relationship? (Latest read, Better Single, Than Sorry can be blamed for this). Feel like entire life's work has been a failure. But if is one thing have learned from self-help books is how to let go of the past and move on.

Bridget, the neurotic 30-something we can all relate to on some level.
She not only obsesses about her love life, but also her daily struggles with weight, her over-indulgences and her career.
Although I don't have the booze or smoking problem, I definitely obsess too much on the love life, other struggles and lack of career.
And thanks to the reader who e-mailed I am not narcissistic, just self-aware. Although I think I unfortunately have way too much self-awareness.

Right now I just miss N. Miss N more than I've ever missed another guy.
But I have something good to report. A possible publisher for a book.
Some interest. Maybe still a pipe dream. Don't know. But it's worth a shot writing the manuscript and sending it over there. After all, you never know.

And more on that Better Single, Than Sorry book tomorrow....

Overcoming Fear

2010-06-22T16:11:00.002-04:00

This is a pretty good book.
In my unravaling, I have found out how much fear plays a problem in my life.

The writer says how if we let fear rule our lives we become "perpetually tense, emotionally closed, and paralyzed to the point of inaction". That sure has
been the case with me.

This paragraph the author writes really says a lot. If anyone out there has been struggling with fear as much as I realize I have been, I hope it helps:

"God commands us not to be afraid, not because there is nothing to fear but precisely because the world can be such a frightening place, and God realizes that we can never fulfill our potential as human beings if we are pralyzed by fear.
The Eleventh Commandment, the ommandment not to be afraid, is meant to keep us from missing out on many of the blessings of life that are accessible only to those who are able to face their fears, see them clealy and stare them down.
Don't be afraid of being afraid.
Our goal should never be the denial of fear but the mastery of fear, the refusal to let fear keep us from living fully and happily."

I guess that last line really says it all.

Emotional Memory, Narcissism and Unraveling

2010-06-21T11:47:00.008-04:00

So I did some couch time. Yes, dug deep into savings to pay to tell my worries to a pro. I've known this lady though and trust her. And let me tell you, I never was a big believer in therapy until I met her. That money I handed her was the best hundred bucks I've ever spent.

So I learned about something called 'emotional memory'. Hard for me to explain but hearing about it helped me understand a lot. Basically I've been depressed or stressed since January. When depressed or stressed, the brain becomes our worst enemy and pulls old 'files' that have strong negative content and makes us relive and re experience bad negative events.
So some stuff that happened recently and something N told me rehashed all this old bad stuff on top of my current situation and well, no wonder I spiraled downward into a complete mess. Now if you've had a past trauma, ever suffered PTSD, this not being able to deal with hurtful future events happens much more often.
So perhaps it is what happened to me.

Maybe I had to completely unravel to get to a higher place?

All of this talk about me, me, me led me to become overly sick of myself and look into the fact that maybe we are all in a narcissism epidemic? Everything from Facebook to blogging to tweeting. From the 'friends' who have to update their status almost hourly, to the twice daily e-mails a 'friend' sends out on her latest acting gigs and workout updates.
Perhaps I became just as self-obsessed by blogging?

All I know is someone from above definitely smacked me with some sense.
I have a long way to go but I see the error of my ways. I see why I lost it on N. If it can be salvaged, we have yet to see.

Perhaps now it is time to focus on what is most important and what we need more of in our world today - humility, good values such as treating everyone as you would like to be treated; seeing ourselves accurately and not caring what others think to find our self worth; mindfulness and putting others first.
I think I used to be more that way than I am today and I was a lot happier.
As one long time reader here said, it is so simple and true but it is something I neglected - take care of you first - not sleeping or eating or taking care of yourself will make anybody unravel.

And unravel I did. So although I don't want to think of myself or my damn problems anymore, I realize that we all do have to take good care of ourselves first, even if spiraling downward from a breakup, because in the end we're all we've got.

Over the Deep End

2010-06-18T09:07:00.005-04:00

Yes, that's where I went.

I can't thank you all enough for the ever helpful comments and emails.

I am so incredibly sick of myself right now.
So much had snowballed and I've gotta get myself back up.

I'm going to take the weekend to get my sanity back. And yes, the most beautiful roses in my favorite pink color sure help.
Hopefully sanity returns. We shall see.
In the meantime, everyone have a great weekend and have some fun for me!

Timing is Everything

2010-06-17T09:19:00.001-04:00

I woke up nicer today. I got my first 6 hours of sleep. And I apologize for my male bashing to all the guy readers. But come on guys, you have to admit that at least one of the jokes gave you a chuckle?

If there is one thing I've figured out last week, it is that Boston isn't for me. I love it, but not to live. Plus there are so many recent graduates, the job market is probably worse. Then the funny thing that happened with all this idea of moving - I got called to NYC for a possible temp job to interview for. What timing.
I wish I felt Boston was right - I don't find the people friendly and it just felt incredibly lonely. Not to mention all of Boston reminds me of N. because we had been here together. Why after you break up with somebody do they follow you around like a ghost? Places, songs, even scents remind you of them.

And then there's the biggest reminder of all -- my apartment building. Yes, I had heard the warnings of dating a co-worker or neighbor and it taking much longer to get over them because you have to see them. And saw him, I did. Although it was a planned sort of meeting. He has been messaging me like crazy. A clean-cut for us seemed impossible. It has been just too hard for both of us and the ending too sudden.

When I saw him he looked as much like an exhausted wreck as I have been looking the past week. Okay, I can say it- he looked even worse.
When he talked, he was more open and expressive than he has ever been.
I couldn't look him in the eye. I felt tremendous guilt for what I did - yes, it
was mostly my own doing. I said awful things to him as well after he had told me something about last summer that made me extremely mad. What he told me last week made me doubt my trust for him. That is the biggest dealbreaker - After all, once you lose trust, you have nothing.

But the more he talked and explained, the more I understood it all. The more I realized that he is still the nice guy I had thought he was.
I realize there were a bunch of other stressors going on and quite frankly, I think I snapped. I have an interview to prep for. How in the world do you put on your best, most enthusiastic self at an interview when you are completely falling apart inside?

I left N, with no closure for either one of us. I tried my best to go a couple weeks without contact but I couldn't do it. I learned the last time around that the 'no contact' rule truly is the best one after a breakup.
I went back up to be with my family, where I found an old journal. It was from many years ago when I went through my first rough breakup.
In my writings I sounded purely pathetic. I hadn't eaten for a month. I had declined going on business trips, my boss was concerned with me. I had simply stopped my life...for a guy. A guy who in the end, was not at all worth it. I saw that whole month of my journal was about being in denial and hope he would come back. He never did. He ended up marrying the girl he left me for.
I ripped up every page in that old notebook and threw it away. I couldn't let myself stay this distraught. If the past 7 years all alone taught me anything, it is that you can be 100 percent happily independent and free all by youself, as lonely as it
gets at times.

So I went for a run. Amazingly one hour long. That's a tip I learned- run the most you can, it helps the endorphins so those heartbreak chemicals aren't so screwed up. When I got back I was dizzy and weak, which made me realize I haven't had a solid meal all week. Pure stupidity. I am a fool with this love thing. Maybe if I just stay in the denial stage, I can push through. My friend said the anger stage is empowering. I can see that but I don't like feeling like a raging lunatic. So I'll stay in denial. For now I have to. Like with the job search, Hope is all I've got.

I prayed for some reassurance, that things would work out sooner than later for the best. Maybe all the pressure of everything the past 6 months just exploded and it led me to jump the gun and end the one good thing I ever really found.

With me and my fatalistic ways, I needed some sign I am meant to stay in NYC. Amazingly, I received a phone call that next day...for a 3rd interview.

“The truth shall make you free, but first it shall make you angry”

2010-06-16T11:03:00.006-04:00

I thought I was figuring everything out. Perhaps this is just a necessary phase but I woke up this morning in a fit of rage. Granted I only seem to be able to sleep from 3:00 - 5:30am. I am sleep deprived, drained and exhausted to the brink.

And N. shouldn't have messaged me because I had nothing nice to say. Nothing. In fact my worst side ever came out. Yes, I have moved on to the next stage...Anger.

I took a run and my mantra 95 times was "I hate men" (sorry male friends on here, I do know you are the few good ones).
My emails to a close friend were nothing short of insane. "I wish love never existed...We don't need a man for anything....I can finally see why Lorena Bobbit did what she did."

My friend's last e-mail:
>Are you OK? Really am concerned as have never seen you so angry. You need to sleep. Can you get an Ambien? And eat something!!! Maybe he isn't this bad guy you are making him to be. I think you need to cool off, step away from it all and you will come to your senses after some sleep.<

Now that my angry mood is probably rubbing off or annoying anyone reading this.
I signed on to Male Bashing jokes.com. Best for those to read who are (a) female and (b) fed up with men. Enjoy:

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A fairy tale.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

I think with anger comes the thought of rebounding. But I know, rebounding never works. The sweet, romantic 25 year poet of 2 years ago wrote me again. Perhaps it is time to meet? Or perhaps give up on love entirely. Find a wealthy old man to marry. For love or money? Maybe money's simply the way.

I went back to my family. They have seen me in a bad way before and know the only way is to leave me alone. I don't want them to know what's going on but my mom has always had eyes behind her back. You can't get anything past the lady. She just always knows. Even though you think she is sleeping soundly through the night, she still knows what is going on. "Is something wrong? This isn't a breakup, is it? Why are you awake the entire night and never speak a word?".

Like a spoiled brat teenager, I went up to my old bedroom. Realizing I neglected to check my cell for 24 hours. In there were 10 messages. Most from friends hoping I was still alive. I didn't want to return one. Not even the recruiter. But one caller was from a florist trying to confirm my address to deliver flowers for me. And yes, friends, I have to say, that did ease the anger right then and there...

Understanding Heartbreak

2010-06-15T00:37:00.001-04:00

Thanks so much again to all.
How am I doing? Picture pathetic in your mind and that about sums it up.
What's getting me through? A couple of close friends and Denial is my best friend these days. I love it. In my mind, N. and I will not be apart forever.

Sometimes you never fully realize what good friends you have until you go through something bad. I fully realize how lucky I am to have such good friends this.
I semi came out of hiding and moved from e-mail to the phone - Two of my friends I talked with and let me tell you, all of our love lives have been nothing short of disastrous, helped me find my sense of humor back. We talked about the crazy things people do after a break up.

Which led me to thinking- why does heartbreak quite often lead one to feel as if they're going insane?
I am once again off of my Zen-like quest and am thinking too much. It's just part of my nature. I guess I just want to understand why this thing called heartbreak affects us so much.

This helped:
Over the past decade, evolutionary psychologists, neuroscientists, and pharmaceutical researchers alike have begun to shed fascinating new light on heartbreak. The forces that bind two people in union are powerful, but love's dissolution is more potent still — a trauma to the brain and body that in some cases can be all but indistinguishable from mental illness.

This below, however, didn't help so much. I started to notice the chest pain is worse, which led me to think I could potentially die from this???

The end of a long-term relationship can be extraordinarily traumatic. Researchers have discovered that the flood of stress hormones accompanying such events can weaken the heart, one reason laymen and clinicians alike have dubbed the phenomenon Broken Heart Syndrome.

Even when the heart is not literally broken, reading how heartbreak can prove lethal in other ways (hurting self, excessive alcohol, fights), was enough to scare the daylights out of me...I better get a grip NOW.

Which led me to think, if this is what we have to go through - why the hell
get romantically involved with anybody in the first place?!

My friend said to feel love and hurt is only human. It's the human condition. Would I rather be a sociopath and not feel anything at all? Hmph. No.

It seems how love messes with our head is actually somewhat out of our control once all the chemicals get involved:

When you're in love, your brain's ventral tegmental area churns out dopamine, the hormone that teaches junkies to crave crack. From there, dopamine travels to your prefrontal cortex and cingulate cortex, where it joins its cousin chemical, norepinephrine, to create a "lover's high." Couple this hit with the warm feelings created when your hypothalamus secretes oxytocin and vasopressin, and you have the recipe for a full-blown addiction. That's why you're in trouble if your drug ever decides to pack her bags and walk out the door.

Yikes, this is scary stuff.
This love stuff affects chemicals all over the brain. But this, dear readers, is the strangest part of this entire break-up. And this is why N. better keep his word and NOT read this blog ever...

The year with him was mostly wonderful. From the beginning I would call it magical. But I didn't really know or think I was "in love". We didn't say it to one another once. Surely past exes would say it to me pretty early on- I always thought too early, as I wasn't really feeling it. Perhaps N. and I just didn't know for sure if we were, or were simply too scared to say it.
So the most ironic part to our story is -- I realize it after we break up.

Leave it to my dear friend across the country to smack some sense into me. Below I share part of my 'lovesick' subject titled e-mail to her:

M: And, seriously, DUH about you being in love with (N). DUH, Lex. DUH.
I don't mean to mock but, really, seriously, I thought you already knew. I knew it. The Powers that Be Knew it. Us Libras are so intuitive and sensitive to everyone but ourselves!

Gosh, how could I be so clueless. I guess I just didn't realize. And now he is gone..

How to Get Over a Breakup

2010-06-14T09:09:00.000-04:00

I fail miserably at the tips below I found to get over a breakup.
I can't really seem to cry. I'm too sleep deprived, numb and in denial.
I can't delete his number from my phone, what good will it do- it's in my head anyway.
I can 'write it out' though. I thank all of you on here for listening to my pathetic self on here.

Splurge- I don't have money to spend so that's out of the question. However, I'm very good with staying in my jammies all day but tummy still can't tolerate even ice cream. :(

Friends- yes, they are always good but I can't bring myself to see people yet.

Re-evaluate. I can't re-evalulate s*it. My mind is too emotionally drained.
In my mind right now I only see the good of what we had.

I know I wrote about 'It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken' on here and I guess I should read that now. It lets you know not to be ashamed of the pathetic things we are capable of when our hearts are broken.
A favorite quote from the book:

~Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs.
On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong,
but every breath hurts.~

So this basket case would love some advice. What helped you get over your breakup?
Looking back I know I had more self-growth after my first bad breakup than I ever could have imagined. It actually turned out to be the best thing that could have happened. But it doesn't feel that way this time. I know it takes time for me and working out, taking care of yourself really helps. But now that
feels impossible. I'm reclusive. I barely want to move.
I know, as with the job search and everything else -- patience.
But when every breath hurts, time feels like forever.

Breakup Tips (for anyone else out there going through one. Found on About.com)
Cry. Simply allow yourself to have a really good cry. Rejection, anger and sadness need an outlet. Give those negative hormones the boot along with the relationship by releasing the floodgates. Being a mess over a breakup for a few hours or a few days is worth it. Holding it in and playing strong is a sure way to depression, anger issues and a repeat performance.

Delete. Just do it. Delete their phone number from your cell. Erase their email. Cutting ties is the best way to go. Pretending the offender doesn't exist for awhile makes getting over the pain a little easier. Put some distance between the two of you for the time being. Making it harder to pick up the phone to dash off a pathetic text is better in the long run.

Write it out. Write and write and write, no censoring, no holding back. Be honest and petty and completely irrational. Just keep it to yourself. Journaling is a very healing activity. Go ahead and analyze the relationship. Be a sleuth and figure out what went wrong and why you broke up. Be nasty and complain about the unfairness of it all. You can keep this diary account, or burn it. Either way, the release will do you good.

Splurge. Now is not the time to control yourself. The is no shame in an ice-cream binge while watching sappy movies in your jammies all day. Calories don't count when your heart is broken.

Use your friends as a buffer against depression. Let them know you are feeling fragile and are in need of reassurance. Don't accept blind dates just yet, just some good old-fashioned buddy time. Do something active, like meet a pal at the gym, or take a hike or long walk and just talk.

Re-evaluate. OK, so you've had a breakup. You've cried, deleted, wrote it out and splurged -- now it's time to take charge. Make plans for the future. Throw yourself into a new project or hobby. Find something to consume your time that you feel passionately about. Refrain from jumping into a new relationship until you've completed this step, though. Use the breakup to break out of an outdated mindset. There will plenty of time to find a new love, after you take care of yourself.

Note: For me, reading and writing and holing myself up at home, possibly forever at this rate seems to work best.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

2010-06-11T12:34:00.003-04:00

Boy, was that old song title an understatement. It's more like impossible.

I can't thank you all enough for the wonderful and helpful comments and emails. They mean so much to me and I hope to respond soon.

You know I really thought over the past 7 years of dating, which included a couple of 5 month flings that ended, I thought I had become immune to ever having that heartbreak feeling again.
After half a day I was fine. Easy come, easy go. Heck, men are like buses, another one is just around the corner.

Boy, was I wrong. I had a devastating break up once. At least I had a job to go to back then, which forced myself to get it together on the outside even though on the inside I was in pieces. I remember sitting in the cafeteria every day on 2 hour lunches, in a nearly catatonic state..day dreaming about him, wondering how I could get him back.
Co-workers tried to get me to eat, but I wouldn't for a whole month.

What the heck is it about heartbreak that causes all these crazy emotions?
I had to google it, to understand it. To learn there is definitely something chemical going on that causes that punched-in-the-stomach feeling and constant ache in your chest. And being that this break up was so sudden and out of the blue... I mean everything was going so well for a while....it makes it worse.
Not to mention I internalize everything as it is. Most people go out hard with their friends. I turn reclusive, don't answer my phone and have no desire to go out for days.

So I will reflect back on your comments to get through this first weekend without N in one year. God definitely gives us a survival mechanism for getting through loss. The first stage is denial, which I am in right now because I believe that one day he is going to suddenly appear to me. Knock at my door and we'll be together again.
And you know what? It's okay thinking that way for now, because sometimes when everything in life has beaten you down, you just need to deny reality and dream.

I long for some sound sleep. But these days I dread waking up. As John Mayer sings,

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

A Broken One Year Anniversary

2010-06-10T15:05:00.007-04:00

Lifehouse 'Broken' lyrics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6cdPeYJh0s

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life....

I hate that I'm writing this. I hate that I'm at this point.
One year ago this very day I walked in with my 2 friends to a NYC Bar. There N. was waiting to meet me, the guy I saw in the hallway weeks earlier.
It all was like a dream come true.

But a lot has happened in a year. Or actually hasn't happened.
And it is time to move on. Sadly, without N. I can't explain exactly what happened. Perhaps it is what I voiced to him- I felt I wanted more than he is ready to give. And so it has all fallen apart.

I was so close. Thought I had found it all. Now I realize it is nothing.
I'm not at all articulate right now. Don't know when I can write again.
It has been so many years -- I forgot how much this punched-in-the-stomach feeling hurts. I wonder if it will ever end...

Change? or Running Away?

2010-06-08T16:08:00.002-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dh53skmT-uQ
Run Away Bare Naked Ladies - listen to the lyrics, they're good.

You run away, you could turn and stay
But you run away from me

You cried and ran for cover
I made a mess, who doesn't?
I did my best but it wasn't enough....

Lately I have felt change is in the air. It's time. What it is that is going to happen, I am not sure. But I'm ready. Finally ready.

It has been a while of all this. Too long of a while with this unemployment in NYC.
I've actually had a couple interviews this past week. But they could lead to nowhere.

I've thought about moving out West or Chicago. But after my last trip to Chicago it wasn't feeling right. Wasn't calling me like I thought it had in the past.
San Francisco I would like to keep in my mind as the perfect place. Perhaps if I live there it will no longer seem so idyllic? Not to mention being as expensive as NYC. People suggest Austin, but after this last week of oppressive heat and humidity I know I wouldn't make it through summers in Texas.
So now it is Boston. And I'm on my way there.

"Why leave now?", my father asked me. "You're running away". He tells me I have a nice guy here I shouldn't just leave. At this point, I think N. is his only hope for me. After the last wackadoodle I introduced my dad to 7 years ago, he has been extremely happy N and I have been going well. Now he thinks I'm entirely screwing it up.

But I've given it over 2 years in NYC. Nothing is giving.
Amazingly it will soon be 1 year with N. It's been wonderful and a bit confusing at the same time. Confusing because in the past I had told friends I would never date anyone for more than 1 year because I've wasted 5 years with another guy, 3 with another and 10 precious months with an ex who at the very end turned out to be a lunatic. I guess I figured if we don't know if we're going all the way by 1 yearm it is merely wasting time. But can you put a time limit on these sort of things?
The total confusion comes with the fact we are both slow moving. And honestly, N. just keeps getting better and better.

But it's time. Time to try out a new area. Everything's in order. I see this as a short-term thing. It's not far but far enough to experience a new place.

N. understands. I wish my dad would. But I can't blame him. I don't fully understand myself. Sometimes I do think I'm running away. But I believe in fate and something will happen to lead me to wherever I'm supposed to be.

I rarely go more than a couple days without seeing N. We spent nearly every day together for a while. So when he dropped me at the train station it was unbelievably difficult for me to say good-bye. Perhaps I grew too attached to him. Needed too much support after the bad experience in January. Leaned on him a little too much.

After I packed to leave, I went over to my window to close it. Thinking back to one year ago, it all began at that very window with him. Something was magical about this apartment. About this place - Tudor City. It's almost too special to me to leave forever.

N. left me at the train, handed me my bags and kissed me goodbye. It's not a forever goodbye. I shouldn't be so sad. In the past, I would say goodbye to guys before a long trip or after a final goodbye, and I would look back after we parted -
Hoping they would turn around too, to wave and watch me walk away. They never did.

I picked up my bags and turned around.
N. was walking, his height towering over all the other people in the station, head down, looking sad.
Then as I hoped, he turned around. Perhaps my sign that this good-bye might not be forever...

Nothing's Ever Perfect

2010-06-02T12:45:00.002-04:00

I went up to Greenwich for the day to go biking along the coastal roads lined with lush green trees and multi-million dollar homes behind stone walls.
Biked past the oh-so-perfect looking joggers and thought to myself, "must be nice".
Then I thought back to the pharmaceutical sales rep I dated who told me Greenwich, CT is perhaps the wealthiest town in the country but it also has the highest usage of prescribed anti-depressants.

Here my mind is again going off the Zen-path. Thinking too much. Making assumptions. Judging. Feeling everybody has it so much better.

Not!!!

Which brings me to the latest book I recommend, if you haven't read it:
The Four Agreements

The Four Agreements can be summed up as follows:

(1) Be Impeccable With Your Word.
This chapter basically says that your actions and words must be consistent. I'm a huge believer in this. After dating too many jerkos who were all talk and no action you start to learn how to really value a person who actually matches their words with actions. I can honestly say I try hard at this. I want to always be loyal to everyone I know. What I have a hard time with is the other part of what the author is getting at: Putting others down or projecting negative energy or words towards another. I hate people who make fun of others or intentionally put others down to bring them down. But as for sending out negative energy? Yikes, I seem to do this on a daily basis when some wacko is ticking me off on the streets. When there is an overly loud person in the library or yoga class or grunting at the gym. I think I need to let things just fall off my shoulder more easily.
All that negative energy I must project towards daily annoyances, well, that's a scary thought! There's enough negative energy out there as it is.

(2) Don't Take Anything Personally.
Whoa. I have failed at this one miserably. Probably all the way back since childhood when a friend didn't pick me to be on her team at gym class, I've been taking things too personally.
The author states that what others think about you or say about you, it is actually really about them. I like this one. It helps with the job rejections. I can definitely get better at this - just say- screw it, it's not about me, and move on!
(think I've got this one right).

(3) Don't Make Assumptions.
Holy cow. I might just be the queen of making assumptions. I made a bad one with N. the other day. A very bad one. And I was wrong. Entirely wrong. Perhaps I will tell this story sometime. It was like a scene from I Love Lucy when she assumes and is convinced she is right but she is oh so wrong.
Must definitely work at not assuming. My mama always told me - assume makes an ass out of you and me!

(4) Always Do Your Best.
Oh boy. I'm guilty here. Although in past jobs (until I went off the deep end to insanity at last job) I was a big believer in always doing my best. I would do just that and if something went wrong I would tell my boss, 'well I did my best'. It worked. But damn, I haven't done my best at unemployment.

The author says, "Action is about living fully. Inaction is the way that we deny life. Inaction is sitting in front of the TV for years because you are afraid to be alive and take the risks in life. You can have many great ideas in your head, but what makes the difference is taking action. Without action upon an idea, there will be no manifestation, no results, and no reward."

So true. Isn't it?

After finishing the book it all made perfect sense. But applying it to every day life is surely a challenge.
Already I was getting pissed off at the frenzied people pushing past me by Grand Central. I needed some peace and quiet from this hectic city so I went into church.
Really the past many months, there have been too many problems. I'm growing too weary. Is anything in life ever easy? I asked God, why can't anything ever, or just once, be perfect?

Instantly I got the answer: That's what Heaven's for.

'At Present you Need to Live the Question'

2010-06-01T10:32:00.002-04:00

Thanks so much for the emails and comments. I've been terrible with responding but did try to get back to all.

From other's blogs, friends lives and stories I'm hearing in general.. A lot seem to be struggling. I sure have since January as well. The only thing I know is that from these lows, we can bounce back higher...and wiser. So hang in there. Brighter days ahead.

As for myself I am working on thinking less. My mind spirals out of control at times. I now realized a lot of the reason is due to fear.

I reflect on the quote from the other week -

'It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question.'
Live the question. Stop seeking the answers. All will come during the journey.
I can't tell you how much this has helped me.

I was told once that I think so much that I talk myself out of things.
It is very true. Sadly, unemployment leaves your mind with too much idle time to think, worry, fear the future so my over-thinking problem (if you haven't been able to tell from many posts here) is in overdrive. It always seems as if my mind was either stuck on bad past experiences or fretting about the future.

But no more. I am committing myself to becoming very Zen-like. Reading books on it. Doing yoga. The other day I went into a yoga class. Feeling very peaceful, spreading the love, trying to be Zen-like. When these 2 very annnoying, chatty girls place their mats directly by mine. I'm saying to myself, "shut the hell up, this is yoga class", and sending very negative vibrations their way. I got so worked up I was actually about to tell them to stuff it.
In my mind they were two chatty girls with their blackberries by their sides, off from work.

This was a free class. Anything free in NYC beens overly crowded and in an exercise class with some sweaty person's legs dangling in your face when doing certain moves.
So after class they get talking about their job search and how the class makes them feel better. After class I was feeling better. And thought to myself - yes, people can be annoying but I shouldn't judge. We're all in this life together and many of us in the unemployment boat.

I don't know exactly what I'm getting at with this post, as often happens here.
But I want to thank all of you for reading. Because even on the darkest days, looking back at this unemployed journey, I never really was at all alone.

Long Term Unemployment -- that I never imagined

2010-05-26T14:50:00.016-04:00

What do you say to someone who tells you today is their 2 year anniversary of losing their job? "I'm sorry", or "wow- 2 years it has been?" is the common reaction.
Or some are just speechless. I'm not looking to hear much of anything, I just felt like sharing the fact. Really there's not much to say, and certainly there are much worse things that can happen.
But when someone told me that 'all companies are hiring out there now, why can't you find something?' I had to hold back what I really wanted to say to them. The grim reality is this is still a brutal job market in certain cities, with the realistic unemployment rate at 23%.

The 2 years have gone fast and I am thankful I was always a good saver and thankful for all I have in my life. I'm weird with anniversaries. I tend to always remember the "anniversary" of the worst personal experience of my life. I get moody and withdrawn on that day. Kind of like this. But then I remind myself losing my job working for toxic, money worshipping egomaniacs was probably one of the best days of my life since it was such a miserable place.

I remember the day well. It was pouring outside and I walked in to be shocked by the news and then walked 20 blocks back in the rain (couldn't spring for a taxi, hey I just got the boot). I walked into my cluttered studio of unopened moving boxes and put my office box by the boxes sitting on the floor of my new apartment.
'Welcome to NY City, You're Fired', I said to myself.

I felt painfully alone. I didn't know a soul in this city. My parents were out of the country for a month. I e-mailed my mom a 'happy birthday' message but left out the fact I had just lost my job and had a rent to pay bigger than what my unemployment checks would be.

But that's where the sad story ends. Well, at least for that first year of unemployment. Because what happened that next morning I woke up was amazing.
I had this exhilarting feeling of freedom not to have to go into that toxic office ever again.
I had determination to find myself a job as soon as possible. I pounded the pavement that first week and went to 12 job agencies. Surely I would be employed soon.
But the summer months went on and interviews never came. I was told by recruiters to just take off some time and enjoy the summer. I still hunted for a job, but nothing came. Little did I know that 2 summers later it would be just as bad.
Restaurants wouldn't hire me because I had no waitress experience. The job fair lines were 20 blocks long. Whenever a Starbucks was hiring, the line to apply was blocks long.

It's a tough town but I figured if you could make it here (especially unemployed), you could make it anywhere. Something was keeping me here after that first lonely year but I didn't know what. So I threw myself into enjoying all the city has to offer - discovering the best, cheapest eats around and wrote hope-to-be published articles on how to live in Manhattan on $10 a day. (Basically, it can be done with a whole lot of walking. NYC has more free entertainment than anywhere).

So fast-forward to now. Funny, isn't it, how at the same time things can change and stay the same? I made some friends. A great and generous guy came along which helps me live on something else besides the 99 cent pizza joint and the free tasting night at Whole Foods.
I guess what I've learned during all this time is that if you believe you can make it someway...somehow.... you will. If you trust in God, or the universe or whatever it is you believe in that people will come into your life who help you through or you will get small jobs or whatever it is you need to get you by or at least emotionally through a rough time..You will.

I admit a few years ago when someone told me of somebody who has been out of work 2 years I would automatically judge and think, "heck, what's wrong with them?". What a slap on the head this has been and a good learning lesson to never judge.

You know it's funny - I've always seen myself as totally independent. Would never ask anyone for money. Never want to be a burden. I still won't ask for things.
But I did put out there to God to bring some people my way and they certainly came my way in time. So, realistically I haven't gotten myself through this whole time on my own. I have parents to go back to for meals. The government who supplied me extended unemployment. An ever-helpful neighbor and a couple good friends. It has all made me realize - where would we be without others? No where.
And maybe for whatever reason - For now this is all I need.

Yes, I want more. But I practice having stronger faith in believing it will come in time. For today, despite my down mood, I know I'll be fine. My old friend I discovered during unemployment will help me out tonight. You know, the one I could always depend on throughout last year -- Malbec.

Cheers!

They Call it a Break-up Because it's Broken

2010-05-25T14:25:00.003-04:00

Have you noticed that break-ups are in the air lately?
I just heard of the fifth one in recent weeks.

I also heard the greatest thing from a friend. She ended a bad relationship. Then she said, "I finally realize it is better to be alone than with someone just for company. I'm waiting for someone who respects and treats me as I deserve and if that doesn't happen, I'll just stay alone forever".

Amen, sista!

I suggested this book to my friend as I thought the writers were right on and it has some hilarious parts.
More soon, but for now I am running around like a chicken without a head, trying to find a job and hoping for brighter days ahead....For everyone.

From the book: >>Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs, or whatever your poison may be will numb the pain -- but that's all. People by nature are very afraid to feel pain. But often the thought of pain is actually worse than the pain itself. It's never as bad as you think it's going to be. And you can't get over the heartbreak until you let yourself feel it. Sorry, Charlie, but that's the fact. It's like any grieving process -- if you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you'll find it begins to move on after a while. Putting down that pint of ice cream may not FEEL like the right thing to do, but if you change your behavior first, your feelings will follow. A very smart doctor once told us that.

Mercury Retrograde

2010-05-20T14:36:00.002-04:00

Could this explain things? I'm not really into astrology or all that, but a wacky spirtual/astrologist acquaintance mentioned last week that everyone seemed a bit "off" and nobody seems to be vibing right together since the prior 6 weeks were the Mercury Retrograde. If you're asking 'what the hell is that?' as I was, let me try to explain. Well, actually I can't.
So I will copy what I googled:

>Retrograde periods, although often problematic for us earthlings, are not particularly uncommon. Each planet retrogrades, except the Sun and Moon. Although a powerful astrological influence, Mercury is quite a small planet that travels at a relatively fast speed through the zodiac.<

Basically this Mercury Retrograde stuff puts a strain on communication, relationships; causes glitches and breakdowns with phones, computers, cars.
Mercury retrograde gives rise to personal misunderstandings; flawed, disrupted, or delayed negotiations and trade.
It says all of these problems usually arise because some crucial piece of information, or component, has gone awry to cause disruptions in transportation and trading.

So could this whole retrograde thing explain why I haven't felt like writing lately and why fellow blogging friends have complained about the same lack of desire, and disastrous attempts at writing?

Could it explain some strains with friendships/relationships? The miscommunication with N? Why neither one of us could see or communicate clearly?

They advise it is not wise to make important decisions while Mercury is retrograde, since it is likely that such decisions will be clouded by misinformation, poor communication and careless thinking. "Mercury is all about mental clarity and the power of the mind, so when Mercury is retrograde these intellectual characteristics tend to be less acute than usual, as the critical faculties are dimmed."

Could it explain why my cell phone, refrigerator, and TV have all recently broken?

And what about that day the Dow nosedived a record drop of 1,000 points in a few hours a couple weeks ago that was blamed on a trading error?

The volcano eruption that caused flight cancellations all over the world for a week?

Ahh..perhaps the answers are in the stars, or planets after all?

Or maybe I've just been down, half brain-dead and have no idea what to write about.
My mind is probably clouded all the time, not just the past 6 weeks.
Maybe N. and I were due for that relationship meltdown.
Maybe my cell broke because I was delirious from a high fever and dropped a wet washcloth on it. And the fridge and TV? They were simply ancient.
And maybe that trading error was just some fluke $16bn error by some moronic bankers who were up too late partying the night before?

Sorry. I thought maybe I was on to something here.
But just like I end every post - I don't have any answers.
Just as ever, life leaves me baffled.

It Is What it Is

2010-05-19T17:16:00.008-04:00

Can anyone else out there not stand that statement?
I used to detest it. This one particularly annoying guy at work seemed to react to everything that happened with, "well, it is what it is"!

Surprisingly though it is a saying I have been finding myself saying almost on a daily basis. Not-so-great happenings lately, more frustrations and N responded the other day with: "well, it is what it is". Then he had his own issues and I used the phrase as my advice to him.

I mean think about it - it says everything really: It is what it is. Sometimes you can't change things right away. Sometimes people are just the way they are. Sometimes you just need to be in the moment and accept.

I guess what it all boils down to is that I have well learned that life sometimes really blows. So when I thought to the upcoming "anniversary" of losing my job coming up (2 years..Yikes!), I had this overpowering feeling of disbelief (it has been so long and I have survived), frustration and helplessness sweep over me.
See, I had a recruiter tell me the other day I am now looking "unemployable" to her clients. Two years = too long ?? I won't buy it.

I must say I haven't felt like writing lately. Haven't been much fun to be around.
Haven't had much luck working on my issues either. I told N of the upcoming 2 year mark and said this job market still really sucks and maybe it's just too tough in this city.

Then I sorta came to peace with it all and realized, well, it is what it is....

Commitment Phobia

2010-05-13T08:14:00.000-04:00

So I was outside my building talking with a friend on the phone. Almost in tears. I sat on a bench looking as if I had just lost my best friend. When there he appeared - this tall, gorgeous-- absolutely gorgeous man with his dog.
He smiled and said, "it can't be that bad". I didn't have much of a reaction, he didn't stay to talk, just went on his way into the building.
Now it's hard to put into words here -- I was completely struck by this guy's incredibly good looks. But the difference here is that I didn't feel at all the way last year when I would see a guy like this (like when I first saw N). I didn't try to strike up conversation, I didn't pull slightly pyshotic moves like go into the elevator with him to see what floor he lives on.
As struck as I was by his looks and charm...I simply didn't care.

It's almost like part of me has been totally blind to hot guys all this time I've been with N. And this guy woke that up in me. But it didn't matter. Just like when married people notice someone attractive...They're married, not dead. But they don't (well the faithful ones) don't at all act on it. At that moment I went upstairs to N's apartment. All I wanted was to see him. To be with him! Good, right?

But then I realized that getting to the heart of it with N on why he was obviously looking while out with me touched on something deeper. This is the first summer in a long time he has been in a relationship that is now nearing the one year mark. First time for me as well.

When I returned he brought up the fact that 1 year together is coming up. Then asked me, "you had said once you were a bit commitment phobic, right?". I knew what he was getting at, and he admitted he is a bit too.

It was a confusing night. On one hand, I felt I knew just what I wanted when I went back upstairs. That was to be with him and only him. But as we talked more I saw the commitment fear problem could be a much bigger problem than I ever realized.
Maybe we are just two free spirits who are too free spirited?

I woke up in total confusion the next day. It has all been so good. But now I have no clue to where it's leading.
So I read my Zen-like book. Decided to just keep living in the moment. Day by day. Really, it's all we've got.
I reminded myself we meet everyone for a reason. And if N and I aren't truly meant to be I know we've at least each taught one another a whole lot.

Maybe I'm too much of a loner at times to ever make a long-term relationship last. Maybe I like my solitude too much. Maybe marriage just isn't in my future. My mind was spiraling with worried thoughts. A product, of course, of too much time on my unemployed hands.

Then I read my 2 favorite quotes from the poet Rilke and suddenly all my worry was calmed:

Rilke~
The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.

Guardians of each others solitude. Even between the closest people infinite distances exist - Somehow reading this made the commitment fears fade away.

"A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship."
In reality none of this was really new, it had been here with him all along.

"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.”

Patience. Yes, patience in this life is the only way...

Wandering Eye

2010-05-12T09:02:00.001-04:00

Thanks, everyone for the well wishes. I'm happy to report I am finally eating something (well almost everything) besides rice again.

I'm sorry I've been a terrible blogger. No, still no job but mainly I've realized I have some issues to work on so it has been a time of self discovery/improvement/healing of sorts.

So where did we leave off? Oh yes, being grateful for what we have. Especially during tough times like unemployment. Feeling down? List 5 things you're grateful for right now..Guaranteed to make you feel better. One on my list of course is N. But as I was saying last time, I lost him, or so I thought.

You see I was on the mend from the food poisoning. With good intentions, he forced me to get out after a few days since I was clearly losing my mind from being in a confined 275 sq. foot space with a 103 degree fever. Of all the days this spring, this day had to be the one 90 degree overly humid day. Where you don't even want to wear clothes outside, as was apparent by most girls in Manhattan that day.
Except my sickly self who was strangely carrying a jacket (chills) and resembled something that the cat dragged in.
I slowly wandered uptown with him. And as I said something and looked up at him
I noticed he wasn't listening to what I said. Even though I was saying nothing in the slightest bit of interest, as I looked at him I saw his eyes following some girl, large chest quite obvious, jogging just about half naked. Okay, even I noticed her. So I laughed and he admitted it, apologizing that it was "hard to miss".

Guys will be guys, I thought and damn those girl's boobs were fake but anyway, I went on my way with him. It was then in the middle of William Sonoma amongst happy couples picking out wedding registry gifts is where we had our first real fight, and went our separate ways. Yes, again, I noticed him watching a half-dressed girl in the store. Called him on it and he apologized...Again.

So I left. Disgusted. Thinking maybe he always has been a girl watcher when he is with me but I just never noticed it until now??
Let me say that I didn't just fall off a turnip truck - I know guys look. So do girls. But usually, if we're respectful, not when our boyfriend is around. As so it should be with guys.
Friends and I always said the number one turn-off early on is dating a guy who you notice looking at other girls. And if your boyfriend obviously does it while with you - just how into you can he really be?

So I walked and called 2 friends who have never met N for opinions:
"That's disgusting. Men are such pigs.", said a good married friend. She then went on to tell me how when she was dating her now-husband she had this issue with him once and "set him so straight" that he would never look at another girl while with her again.

Wow. So maybe I didn't overreact?

Then a call to my guy friend who laughs and tells me that it's the start of summertime in the city and he is a guy and joked that I should be glad I didn't catch him looking at half dressed MEN.
Ugh! Of no help whatsoever. But yeah, damn, looking at men would be scarier.

So I cooled off and went home to pass out. At the door though was N. Looking sad.
I asked him why he was obviously looking at girls while with me. Told him I found it disrespectful. He said he didn't know exactly besides that whole start of summertime in the city fact that all guys seem to use and apologized. I didn't really accept it though and told him maybe there's a deeper layer to all this.
I mean through all the other months we've been together I'd never noticed this.
Again, he said he didn't know. Said when he told his friends even they said, "dude, at least wear some sunglasses".

He didn't understand his actions. Then said, "you know, it's pretty crazy that we will be coming up on 1 year together soon".

Ah, so maybe he is having a commitment-phobe attack!

I left it at that. Couldn't take anymore. If anyone thinks I'm overreacting with this - The real over reaction comes when I tell him maybe we should break up for a while. Then he shows me a bouquet of flowers he bought for me and he leaves. It might have been the saddest I've ever seen a guy look.

Here I was saying goodbye to a guy who really has been nothing but good to me, took care of me while sick and spent days bringing me the only thing I could eat - rice.
And not just regular rice, he would get rice of every variety - black, jasmine, and my favorite sticky rice. Brought me Vitamin Water by the truckload.
In so many ways he's a gem. But I simply lost it.

So just like that I told him I was going for a walk and that we needed a couple months apart. An overreaction? Yes. But what happened next as I was leaving the building was meant to happen to really shake some sense into me. More on that next...

Don't Know What You've Got 'til it's Gone

2010-05-04T15:36:00.007-04:00

Sure is true. Isn't it? Especially with your health.
I'm getting over a very bad case of food poisoning. Imagine me-the biggest food lover- not to even be able to think of food for 5 days, let alone eat it.

Thanks so much for your last comments and e-mails, I will get back soon.

I honestly have felt a bit brain dead from all this. I thought about writing but have been incredibly sick of myself. Thought about topics to write on besides my life, maybe about dating like in the past but nah, don't feel like thinking about all that. Good eats around the city - can't even imagine liking food again.
So here I am, a bit stumped but wanting to say 'hello' and share my latest life learning lesson: Do NOT and I don't care how cheap it is, ever eat at a hole-in-the-wall take-out Chinese place after 11 pm at night.

That along with not taking your good health for granted, and people too. Which reminds me of N and losing him, well for just a few hours the other night. It was bad. Sad, really. With the wretched state I was in I wasn't thinking clearly.
It's okay though, he came back. And with flowers! (if anybody here has been reading all along you know that receiving a huge bouquet of flowers from him is somewhat like a small miracle). More on that next time, friends...

Good to Be Back

2010-04-22T12:35:00.010-04:00

First off, thank you for all the great comments and helpful advice.

Did I love Chicago as much as the other 8 times I have been there?
Pretty much. The long walks along the lake with picture perfect weather - wonderful
The people were just as friendly and nice.
The rents are now half the price of Manhattan. Being in the city I love with the guy I had always hoped to meet was magnificent.
Towards the end, N was busy with work and I was on my own. I wandered the city and it hit me that I was starting to feel what I felt the last time I was there on my own -- lonely.
And so when that last day came, instead of staying on my own I opted to go back.

It's still on my mind. Perhaps just a summer move to see how it goes. Everyone has asked how N feels about my moving away. Well, the last day he saw an apartment listing pamphlet outside a realtor's office and handed it to me. "Guess you really must want me to move out here, huh?", I laughed.
The old me would have been perhaps upset or offended.
But I took it as his knowing I want to do this move. To try it. To say I have lived somewhere outside the NY metro area at least once.
So I'm putting things in order here. I plan to leave but I know no city is going to compare to here. I know I will always miss it.

The night we got back we were wired. We didn't even realize what we were doing until after we got home at 1 in the morning. But what we did on our day of return were the most touristy things in NYC. We walked through Times Square to get that energy, that buzz you can only get amongst all those flying taxi cabs, people and lights; we rode the glass elevators at the Marriott Marquis to The View at the top (a must-see if you're in NYC and it's free); we picked a Chinese place to eat out of the many hundreds; we went for legendary egg creams and cheesecake.
It was exhiliarating to be back in NY after just a short time away. The scents, the sights, the feel of it compares to no other. The guy on a bike swearing at me for crossing in his way would have pissed me off any other day but I liked it.
A sort of welcome back to NYC.

And getting back to our neighborhood where N hands me a tulip and we walk to this beautiful castle-in-the-sky building to my shoebox apartment to see my window open touching N's pushed open window was perhaps the best feeling of 'welcome home' I've ever had.

Spring Brings New Things

2010-04-13T11:41:00.001-04:00

A friend ended her email with that the other day.
That's one of the best things about springtime - it does.

And so it is time to take off. Last spring/summer I was going to move to Chicago. I got sidetracked though. I perhaps did not have enough guts to book that one-way flight. But this year I've got a one-way ride. A road trip with my neighbor. Who would have thought? If I stay there after this week is over, we shall see.
But in the meantime I am typing up posts on various other subjects to keep you slightly entertained if bored during the day.

Thanks for the advice/opinions. Maybe I'm not truly running away from anything. Maybe I just need that job to feel whole again. Maybe the best way to go about anything in life is to just follow your gut?
And at the end of April I will know- will I stay or will I go...

Twitterpatted

2010-04-12T09:11:00.007-04:00

I love all you reading friends here. You're always making me think or teaching me something new. Last week I learned a new word: Twitterpatted.
Even though I had seen Bambi when little, I had to ask my friend (who has a much better vocabulary than I do) what it means if someone calls me 'twitterpatted'?
Was this a bad thing, a good thing, or am I as crazy as I fear? Then I assumed it must have something to do with that silly site Twitter.
My friend didn't know the answer. She has seen Bambi too.
So good old Google to the rescue.
What does "Twitterpated" mean?
Giddy with newfound springtime love. The owl in Bambi explains twitterpatted.

Then there was this:
Scatterbrained or confused with a tendency to babble.

I'd like to think I'm the first definition.

Although lately when I'm alone, which is more often than not, I am still feeling so blue. I hope the trip to Chicago helps. I absolutely adore that city.
I told friends and parents that if the job market is good out there, apartments are plentiful and cheap, I will be staying. Most people's reactions were:
What about N? (My answer: Chicago isn't that far away)
What about your apartment here? (I'm not married to it)
You love Tudor City so much. (I do, but I can always come back)

At the end of my conversation with my dad he told me. "You know, you finally met a nice guy, so now you are just upping and leaving him? Seems like you're running away and you might screw things up. What are you running from?"

Some see it as running. I can understand why. I think what has concerned me is I only feel happy when I'm with N. That isn't good. And either is the job market here still.
And perhaps shocking for this hopeless romantic to say, My answer to everyone who asked 'what about N?':
it all comes down to the fact that at this point a job is simply more important than a guy.

Time to Move On....

2010-04-08T08:43:00.001-04:00

Okay, well I took the 'Just how weird are you?" quiz online. (this can be easily found by googling, "why am I so weird?"
I am semi-happy to report I scored a 103. This means:

56% of the population are more normal than I am (thought it would be a lot more)
9% are just as weird (seems like most of the people in my building)
35% are more weird. (scary thought. but yes, most former co-workers were).

The scary thing is I thought I answered all the questions pretty normally.

God, will this job market please improve. Too much free time that now even my google searches are weird.

Now back to the job market update. They say it's improving but in this overly populated city it still sucks. Big time.
That's why next week when I tag along with N to my favorite city on a business trip, I asked him to leave me there. I cannot tell if N was at all sad when I said that. At this point the poor guy probably could use a good break from me.
Heck, maybe he is elated. But more likely he doesn't think I am serious. Although
I am.

I think I have had it with New York. We are off to one of my fave cities - Chicago.
I know N is here, everyone is here. Everyone but not everything. And that much needed thing is a job.
So will it be better in Chi-town? It sure will be cheaper, at least.
We shall see. Perhaps that is where the next adventure begins....

Weird and Weirder

2010-04-06T20:58:00.005-04:00

I'm not sure if it is living in a shoebox studio or all the fresh spring air I've been getting lately, but if this strange mood keeps up, N and I will be known around the neighborhood as Weird and Weirder.

It all started April Fool's Day and escalated over the weekend. It's a goofy, strange, silliness I can't put into words.
Spring fever, perhaps?

You see, the strangeness escalated the other day. I love N's goofy sense of humor but I seriously thought N had lost it the other day when he was having a conversation with an inanimate object. (I might have to tell this whole story at another time, but saying as much as I just did, he will hate me for it).
I did some pretty weird things all weekend but after seeing this one I said out loud, "God, I know I asked for a nice guy, but did you have to make him so strange too???".
"Me, strange????", he said. "Look at yourself. Miss faking to fall off a balcony".

"Well, we're the perfect match then", I told him. "Someone from above must have figured - uh-huhhh-- there is the perfect strange guy right next door to her. We must have them meet but they can't meet in a normal way so we must come up with something as strange as they are".
"Fly a pigeon through the window...Perfect", N said.
Yep. A perfect weird match made in Heaven.

Really, I am not playing with a full deck lately. My parents notice it too. My good friend said I seem 'out of it'. She thinks it is the lack of work and not using my brain for so long (probably is).
She said one of the things she loves about me is I am in my own little bubble sort of world, but then nicely tried to say, "But sometimes, like for interviews and stuff, it's good to tune into reality a bit".
It was hilarious when she said it.

But why face reality? I mean really, reality sucks. So why not keep living weird and seeing the humor in everything? It's my escape and if it is what gets me through, so be it. I had another weird interview last week. Maybe NYC is doing me in?

When I brought up the strangeness to N today he said he thinks it was all the fresh ocean air. Maybe we're not used to it in the city.
He has planned another trip for us.
This is a trip to someplace I have been thinking of moving to. And something tells me change is in the air, and he might be the only one returning back to NYC from this trip.
And more on my latest idea next time. For now, it's back to being weird (luckily N has a place to go to where he has to act 'normal' 9 hours a day).

Fool Me Once, Shame on You...Fool Me Twice, Shame on Me

2010-04-05T11:01:00.000-04:00

Maybe I'm the only one shamed here.
I'll start and finish with quoting what 2 friends commented on here:
"Seems you're using April Fool's to act as psychotic girlfriend". Hmm.
Have a good point there.

It was 7 pm April Fool's day. N decided we need to get away. It was a rough winter and I sure have been in need of a pick-me-up so we headed on a road trip down south to the beach.
He hadn't mentioned anything all day, so I asked if he had checked his gmail yet and he had not. I knew he had to read the e-mail that very day so I convinced him to stop to get coffee so we can check our accounts.

As I was at the counter ordering, I looked back and he had a sort of startled look on his face. When I came back to the table he didn't say much of anything.
I think it was less than 5 minutes before I asked him if he had any interesting e-mails.
"Not really", he said.
A bit unsettling and I was not sure where this sick joke was going to lead so I asked him to check his account for something I might have sent. He seemed a bit hesitant and as I looked at his in-box, I asked who the one was from with a girl's name.
"I wasn't going to tell you about that yet. We're on the start of our trip trying to have a good time and it would just piss you off".
(I'm thinking, Oh my God, there is no way he actually fell for this????)
"But who is it from?", I said. Still hesitant, he tells me and I laugh.
"Oh my God, you sent this??? You're sick". (he is right).
"How the hell did you know her last name??" (he forgot he told me it once)
"I can't believe you totally got me with this". (either can I. damn, he's gullible)

"Were you going to respond back to her?", I asked.
"Not this weekend, but eventually. I wouldn't have met her but I would have written back".
"Are you mad?", I asked.
"Not mad. Just a bit disturbed" (with good reason)
Me: Well, it would be even more disturbing if I didn't tell you it was me within 5 minutes. Some prankster I am- you're supposed to keep the prank going all day long. Imagine if I kept up the correspondence going pretending I was her?
(that would classify me as beyond psychotic girlfriend).

Long uncomfortable silence.
Me: You really wouldn't have met her, would you? (this was asked at least 10 times)
N: No. Of course if we kept writing, I would tell her about you. We ended things as friends.

At this point I'm realizing this whole prank was pretty psychotic, sneaky and like opening a can of worms. Nothing good could really come out of it. When we got in the car the dj on the radio said, "that's the thing with April Fool's Day, it is hilarious for the prankster but not for the person on the receiving end".
In this case it wasn't funny for the prankster either.

Here is a great guy. A guy trying to make me happy by taking me away. And I'm trying to trick him. I guess I crossed the April fool's line. I'm lucky he has a VERY good sense of humor. He says he's going to get me back better than this, when I least expect it. I dared him to. I asked his forgiveness and to have some leniency on me since I did come clean within 5 minutes.

It was 11:30 at night. A half hour left. He had gotten me with one not-so-funny prank that a car was about to hit me while crossing a major intersection.
So when he left the hotel room to get drinks, I slipped out of bed.
Opened the hotel balcony door and left my shoes hanging between the bars of the balcony railing. Then I hid in the closet. When he came back I heard him say, "Oh well", and he closed the balcony door and got into bed. I waited 15 minutes until he opened the closet, pulled me out and again told me, "you're sick".
It was midnight. "Thank God this day is over", he said.

So was it crossing the line to psychotic girlfriend? Yes, since it did not at all turn out to be funny like I thought and maybe part of me wanted to see if he would meet her. But I realized it was wrong to let it go that far and decided to trust a guy for once in my life that he was telling me the truth. Maybe for once on April
1st, I learned a lesson.

But the other little pranks I pulled on people that day were funny.
I mean really, when you're down in the dumps, how do you get through life without a good sense of humor?
As my long-time reading friend here said:

Sometimes TCG, when the world sucks, it's up to you to create your own humor.

I Did Something Bad....

2010-04-01T15:02:00.001-04:00

Okay, I am officially all N'd out with talking about him on here. The poor guy swears he won't ever read the blog (really, I think it's all a bit too weird/uncomfortable for him) so I won't write too much on him anymore.

But today was the day when everyone who knows me hates me. At least for a few minutes. After they realize I fooled them...yet again.

What was your best April Fool's joke on somebody? I'd love to hear it.
I never think of any too clever. Usually trick my family into that I'm moving far away for a job. Then my mom gets sad and I have to come clean.
I used to drive a former boss nuts. I would give him phone messages from a Mr. Fish and he would call the number and it would be a pet store.
Former co-workers I would page them on the intercom system and tell them their cars were stolen. Oh, I was cruel. One year they got me back and I was called down to reception to the most gorgeous bouquet of roses. The note said, "I've been watching you from afar and will never stop. Signed, your secret admirer". Now there was a strange somebody in my life way back then. So I got sort of freaked out when male colleague left strange voice mails on my cell phone. This was the first year somebody actually got me with a prank.

So this year I'm emailing my regular pranks. 50% are falling for them. A few friends now think I'm pregnant, and am naming the baby Tudor.
But I have yet to see if N falls for his.

You see, during our hours of open communication he told me about the last girl he dated. I think she was the first girl he truly liked. But she pretty much let him down. I found myself growing too curious and a teeny bit...well....jealous.
"Do you still talk to her"?, I asked. (and this is years later).
"No but I sent her a happy birthday message last month".
Oh, I said. Seems like you might still like her a bit?
"No. She's a really nice person though."
Hmph.
He then talked about her some more, mostly at my prompting.
What if this girl came back, I thought? Would he see her again. "No", he said.

So today I sent him an e-mail. From her. Well, from a fake email account. (I know, unemployment leaves you with way too much time on your hands but sadly I would have probably done this at work too).
And this is probably the most psychotic prank I have ever pulled but my friends used to call me Lucy and I like to think it is more like an I Love Lucy stunt she would pull if she were around in the internet age.
The message is from her, asking him to meet...

Truth Really is Stranger Than Fiction

2010-03-31T19:59:00.000-04:00

Thanks so much to all. I thought friends here from the beginning would get a huge kick out of it! It really is mind blowing, the sequence of events.
A friend of mine always says there is no such thing as coincidences. I had said I would leave meeting somebody up to fate and as I now look back at the small series of events -- From the start of it to now, it is truly bizarre.

It all began with being pushed out of my apartment due to a sale and having to move upstairs. When I first went to see the apartment the lady living there said in her deep accent, "Ahh..how do I explain it in words? This is a lucky apartment. Such incredible things happened to me after I moved in here. You'll see. Good things will happen to you here." That sounded great but I had to keep from laughing at her. Everything from dating to job searching was a joke at that point and this lady predicted my life would change!
Then I started this blog one lonely day, took a solo trip through Argentina and had a very vivid dream of a very tall guy. I came back from the trip and spotted N in the hallway wishing I could meet him. Then the bird, the door notes and finally the nerve-wracking date.

What I didn't know I was dealing with here was a VERY shy guy. Not at all the player type I was previously used to. Looking back it is all thanks to this blog that I met him. He told me so himself. You see, he was never going to put his e-mail address on that door note he left thanking me for warning him of the bird. The ONLY reason he put his e-mail on there was because he read on the blog I was wishing he would.
He thought I was overly-critical of guys after dates. He said I was so harsh that he wouldn't read the blog after we met because he was sure I would shoot him down and write about it. He thought he didn't stand a chance.
Was I really that awful? I'm ashamed that I probably was. He wanted to tell me he knew of the blog on our 2nd date but was afraid he would freak me out too much, since that happened after a prior date with a guy and it wasn't good. So he blocked it.

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this. And I'm glad you were all here along the way. And now for the ending of the story from the other night...
N invited me up to the rooftop of our building where we went on one of our first dates. He asked me to get his cell out of his pocket. As I reached for it, I felt something like a box. I pulled it out, but it wasn't his phone. It was a jewelery box. I opened it up to see the most beautiful, sparkling diamond. Inscribed with the words "Tudor City forever".

Ahh, I love that I've never told a fib on this blog ever. I think that's what makes true life blogs so good. Except one day a year, and that would be today. Remember last year I had told you I was moving to Argentina permanently with the hot tango instructor I met. Well, happy April Fool's! Yes, the diamond part is a made up creation from my overly romantic head. I did play a good joke on N today I will share with you tomorrow. Actually, some could see it as a little crazy, perhaps mean. Not sure how it will go over but he will now learn what a pain in the ass I am on April Fools Day.

And so I have to thank all of you for reading all this time. If nothing else, this story gives hope that when you least expect it, fate takes a hand and changes things.
When the time is right that is. So just be patient if you're waiting for your own cool story to happen. And BELIEVE.
It was with this little blog this whole story really began.
Where it will end, who knows. Like everything else in life, only time will tell...

Be Careful What You Ask (Wish) For

2010-03-30T21:25:00.012-04:00

Sorry for the long absence. Loss of internet connection yet again, and a total lack of motivation to get myself to the library to use a computer to job search or blog took over my mind the past week. Perhaps the end of this rainy weather and the upcoming sunny weather in the 70s will finally boost my spirits?

So where were we? Ah, yes. What happened that night with N. Part of me wasn't going to write it on here because a friend who is encouraging me on this whole book writing idea urged me not to tell this until my very last blog entry someday.
But I have no patience to wait as I am sure some of the long-time readers here will get a kick out of this one.
It will also dispel the myth (as some here believe) that N is simply a figment of my imagination. Really, I am at least not THAT crazy. But I can see why some think that. I write about it all vaguely. One reason is feeling badly writing about someone else on here without them knowing. I don't want it to get too personal or to invade privacy. On another level maybe all these months I had no idea where I stood with N. or what to think.

Over the past many months I have known N, I always felt he wasn't very open. My friend and I joked around that he was "open only when asked". So I decided to ask. And ask away I sure did. Suddenly the floodgates opened. It made me realize how we all have issues and his issues he explained I now totally understood and mine that came out that night, I could only hope he understood. I wasn't as open as he was during that 3 hour conversation. I thought it was a bit odd he didn't ask me anything about my dating past. If he only knew just how many dates I had been on.
Better left unsaid, I figured.

Suddenly everything about the distance I felt from him at times made sense. I had a sense of clarity I had never felt about everything between us. Ahh...this is what they say about open communication being the most important factor in a relationship.

It was 3 am. For the first time with N I felt completely talked out.
I thanked him for opening up so much to me and said goodnight. And as he kissed me goodnight, he said, "Goodnight Tudor City Girl".

Yes, I was completely and utterly shocked. N admitted that one year ago he was reading my blog. Going through the crazy dating adventures with me, my solo South American journey this time last year where I was working on manifesting a relationship, my secret wish of a guy bringing me chicken soup while I was sick (which is why, he admitted, he brought me over chicken soup when I had the flu).

He said he never commented on here but wanted to. He looked at single girls in the building thinking, "could that be tudor city girl?". He even asked that question to himself when he saw me in the elevator once. A sort of "cyber crush" he said he had but knew it was nuts. He wanted to meet me but knew out of 12 huge buildings here it was not at all realistic.

Until he read my posting about the way someone from above (I truly believe this) sent a pigeon flying through the 18th floor window and the note I left on his door. Staring at his computer screen that day seeing that he was the tall neighbor I wished to meet was the most surreal moment of his life.

Tudor City Girl all this time lived right next door.

The Truth Comes Out

2010-03-25T09:01:00.004-04:00

The biggest way long-term unemployment has changed me is by learning to live in the moment. Day by day. To not think too much about things. In a way this is good. But in other ways bad.

With N I took a 'live in the moment' approach. We enjoyed each other's company. But when my mood plummeted after a bad experience I turned way too much to him. He was the one bright spot in my days. I almost felt like I was depending too much upon him while losing myself. All I had was myself for 6 or 7 relationship-free years. Amazingly, I had finally found the type of guy I had hoped for - one who cares. A guy I actually had chemistry with. My fatalistic self, loved the way we met. Maybe I got too caught up in it all ?
I didn't even know what this guy wants and hey, I am no longer a 23 year old spring chicken. So I knew I needed to do one of two things: have a discussion with him and either take a step back or walk away.

We never discussed being exclusive. I assumed we had an unspoken exclusivity.
In the past guys always mentioned it to me after a couple months. Why had N never said anything? And why the hell wasn't I? Fear on my part. But on his I didn't know.
So instead of facing my fear head on. The 'detective' urge in my crazy mind took over.
Over the summer N mentioned he was on a dating site. It was one I had unsuccessfully tried last year. So I logged back on. Now this is the type of site that claims to perfectly match you with somebody. And low and behold, I looked back through my account and there was his profile. Matched to mine.
So I've been dating someone all this time who is on a f----ng dating site???
Didn't sit well with me. But instead of confronting him, my passive-agressive, self-sabatoging self came out.
I was going to respond to him to meet. And then shock him in person that it was me.

Why was I getting so crazy? Why the hell does liking somebody so much do such strange things to the mind?!?!

So last week I was over there. Grumpy. Moody. He wasn't a barrel of laughs to be with either.
I mentioned the dating site and he said he hadn't been active in 6 months. I wasn't sure what to believe but wanted to believe him. (Although the next day I had to resort to checking the site myself on his last usage, and low and behold he was honest).
The night didn't have a good feel to it. I didn't feel that gush of happiness when he came home. "What's wrong with you? You're not still upset because of that dating site, are you", he said. I didn't really answer him. In fact I felt like I just wanted to get away, escape his shoebox studio I was spending way too much time in. He was quiet except for one of his jokes which I found a bit obnoxious and I flew off the handle. I told him he jokes around too much and we don't have enough serious talks. That he is a closed book and needs to open up. And then the comment he made that brought everything to a head.
"You should get a coffee table", I said. Now I thought I said "you" but he thought I said, "we". "WE"???, he said, "Weeee should get a coffee table????"

And that was it. This guy was clearly telling me he wanted nothing to to with us as a couple. How dare I say, "we" should get it? This was HIS place. His bachelor pad. And it now appeared I was merely a visitor. Simply just fun, perhaps.

I believe things happen for a reason and that right there was the comment that struck the last straw in me. And so I spoke the kiss of death words to the nicest guy I had ever met: "I think we should just be friends".

But what happened next, dear friends, rattled me so much so that it has taken a while to process. It was quite shocking to me and some of the things I am not sure I can share here but some I think I should, as you have all have become like friends to me. And so what happened next I know I most likely cannot resist sharing next time...

Back from the Dark Ages and Lessons Learned

2010-03-22T19:25:00.004-04:00

Wow it has been a long time. I am sorry. I've missed my friends here.
My time away was prompted by an almost week-long power outage while I was staying at my parent's house from a horrible storm we had. I could have gone back to the city and normalcy (as in electricity, hot water) but felt too badly leaving my older and incredibly stubborn mom in a freezing house alone.
Living without electricity was cool for a couple days. But let me tell you, after a few days of it people's moods were not at all pretty. Taking a trip into town where 70% of people were out of power was quite a trip. We all sort of walked around looking so disheveled as if we were all on an extended camping trip.
I kind of had fun with the whole experience. But then again I'm weird and after a while it was hitting my self-esteem: Unemployed coupled with walking around looking like I hadn't showered in days = not at all good for the mind.

It is so true we don't know what we've got 'til it's gone. The whole experience made me realize just how much I take for granted. It brings the whole out-of-work thing into perspective. Do I have electricity? Running water? Food in the fridge? (yes- too much). Much more than a good amount of the world's population.

I saw huge trees down every few feet. I saw people left and right bitching about how long it was taking for the power company to fix. I heard mothers complaining they can't put their kids in front of the TV. Maybe these people should just be glad a tree didn't fall on their car. Or put themselves in the shoes of the utility workers where they probably wouldn't last 5 minutes. And maybe the parents should figure out other things for their kids to do before there ever was TV.

It made me realize once again that you must be happy with what you have, not what you don't. That the simple things in life are the best.
I also saw strangers helping strangers and remembered how important (and hard) it is to find truly good friends. It all made me realize what I learned most from the unemployment experience - how important people are who appreciate out hearts, not our wallets.

And speaking of good hearts, I'm reminded of N and where I left off last and how I left town to get away from everything in the city, and process all that he told me. It still takes a lot for me to talk about and I have trouble believing it is all true. And so I will wait for next time...