Ticking Clock

Okay Google Ads.  I know I have lived the life of a depressive hermit for too long but really please can you stop placing the ads, "Loss of emotion?  Don't want to socialize with people?  Sign up for Schizophrenia survey", 'Change Your Brain', and 'Top 5 Depression Symptoms;
Google Ads, I know you give me one dollar and 6 cents each week and for an unemployed person that comes to about 2 bagels each month, and a coffee if I'm lucky and I really do appreciate that.  But let's get the ads on my blog to be a bit more cheerful, huh?  I don't know - put some cute baby picture ads up or something.  I guess then I would have to start writing about....babies.

Okay, there is a happier topic for today!

A very confusing one though.  I finally learned what people mean by their ticking clock.  My clock is about to tick out.  A friend of mine bluntly said, "forget the whole work thing, I mean look at how the last 2 jobs worked out for you, just get married and have a baby already!"

Easier said than done.  The thought of having a baby terrifies me even more than marriage.  I never thought I wanted kids.  I spent high school, college and 2 years after college working nanny jobs.
Most of the kids drove me bonkers.  My mom always told me it is different when you have your own kids.  But in my past relationships I always told who I was with I didn't want kids.  Until I met N. that feeling changed.
So it is not that I wouldn't want a child, it is just what feels like the odds would be against me to get pregnant, actually stay pregnant and the baby turn out to be healthy.  Yes, I'm a worst case scenerio type.  I never used to be but as I get older I am and I hate it.

So really I am so confused on the matter, I just leave it in the hands of God.  It's all I can do really.
See, last year prior to my meltdown and not being able to tolerate the work scene anymore, I suffered a miscarriage.  It's hard for me to say that, as I only told a couple of people.  I never really talked about it and brushed it away.  I had not known I was pregnant very long and was so scared when it happened that stubborn me actually got myself to the hospital.  I was alone on a holiday and for the first time in my life I thought I really might die.  It was horrific.  I was told that as far as very early miscarriages that are not ectopic go, it was the worst it could be.  And the reason I think I didn't fully deal with the loss was because I was just really happy to still be alive.  I know that sounds selfish, but it was so traumatic with the complications, that when it was over I was so relieved when the doctor assured me I would be okay.  I remember being sad the baby wasn't, but also relieved in a weird way.
I had to rest for a week after this.  N was amazingly supportive.  We went to St. Patrick's and lit a candle at our favorite St. Anthony statue.  I remember thinking I don't know how people handle losing a baby after it is born, if it is so difficult before.

Looking back, my meltdown time was around the time the baby would have been born.  I realized that I never fully dealt with the emotions.  But now I think I have.  Much worse things happen to good people all the time. I know that.   None of it will ever make sense, like many things in life - drug addicts, people who abuse their kids can easily have children a lot of the time. Then there are others who would do anything to have a baby but they can't.  Nobody ever said life was fair.  Life goes on and I can only hope for better things to come.

So much for being a happy post on babies.  I didn't think I would ever write about this.  I think it's good I did though. I read somewhere that 1 out of 4 women will experience a pregnancy loss. It's referred to as the silent sisterhood.  If you tell someone you had one, they will then say they did or they surely know someone who miscarried. I had no idea it was so common.  I also have no idea if I would want to try in the future.  I'll leave it all in the hands of God.
The only thing I do know is...there is always hope~