I talked with a couple of old friends recently. This was part of my plan to reconnect with some old friends through Face book. A good idea at the time, or so I thought.
When I last talked to S and J, it was over 10 years ago. Back then they were in their late 20s. Young, vibrant, with careers in Manhattan. One was engaged and the other happily married her college sweetheart. Since then they each gave up their careers, moved to suburbia and are raising 3 kids. Both expressed the same feelings to me - they are totally exhausted and fed up. Fed up with their husbands, with their finances. One even went so far to send me a recent picture of her to see just how exhausted she looks. I was at a loss as to how to respond. Were their husbands really unhelpful jerks or were they just run down by raising small kids, by the recession, by I don't know what? I don't have much experience in this area, it's been hard enough taking care of myself. So I enthusiastically ended one e-mail with, 'Here's to 2011 being a much better year for us both!'.
S. responded, "Umm..really? I seriously doubt that from what I see so far".
When I told J that I'm in a relationship with a nice guy that took me just about an entire lifetime to find - She replied, "Oh, it's always good when you're dating. Wait 20 years. My great aunt always said even the nices ones turn out to be jerks in the end".
Now I've surely been too much of a cynic in my time. But as N said when he used to read my blog, he found the cynicsm and self deprecication funny. What he liked most was that no matter how fed up I was, I put a positive spin at the end of each post. (Did I?). At the end of these e-mails with S and J I couldn't seem to put a positive spin on anything.
The new year is doomed. The nice guys are future jerks. Geez, what do these girls actually look forward to?
Sure we all know many cynics in our life. I come from a long line of them. Seems my sister inherited the cynicism from my mom and 5 aunts. It's funny at times but if you're surrounded by it too much, it gets old fast. These cynics never really seem happy to me. They don't share my hopeless romantic side or like to believe that ignorance is bliss.
Then I read this on-line article (source unknown):
AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING TOO EARNEST, let me say this: Cynicism is caused by broken hearts. Sincere belief in a company, a group, a system, or another person forces you to put something real on the line, something with deep tethers to your emotional core. If you offer that up, and you fail -- or others fail you -- your heart shatters.
Then the choice emerges. Either you fall into a fresh bitch spiral, or you do the most difficult thing any man can do: Believe once again. That means moving forward through the things that broke your heart in the first place
Now I've had my heart shatter more than a few times in life. And I've fallen into all the cycles- the pity one, the bitching one...You name it, I've felt it. But there is one feeling I always try to hold on to all along - hope. Which brings you out of your rockbottom state to believe once again.
Luckily Facebook later sent a positive e-mail my way. From an old friend I called my angel way back when I traveled solo on a flight from Australia with a broken foot. My seatmate turned out to be a nurse. She took care of me the entire long flight. She laughed for hours about my crazy date stories back then, and years later
she got the biggest kick out of the story of how N and I met and likes to mention some bird joke in her what seem to be quarterly e-mails. This one was different though. It read, "I'm ecstatic. I'm expecting! Yup, I'm 42, we are slightly scared to death but simply can't wait! I think everyone had given up hope, my mum especially on becoming a grandmother, but I never stopped believing."
So I guess through it all - the unemployment, the 98 horrific dates, the everything else not-so-good in life, that deep down I never stopped believing either. And in the end, it's that belief that brings exactly what you need to you.
9 comments:
I'm generally an optimistic person also, but I have to say, the world has a different perspective when you're tied down in a marriage that fails to recognize the self. You have only so much control over your financial situation, your time, and depending on your spouse, sometimes your social circle and your appearance. It can be hard to have a positive outlook if your spouse gives you the silent treatment for wearing underwear he doesn't like, or takes the money in your vacation fund to buy himself a new lawnmower. It doesn't mean that he's a "jerk" but that you no longer communicate well, or have grown in different directions.
Certainly there are people for whom the cup will always be empty and nothing in life will ever let them hope again. But being a SAHM to three children can be a depressing and conflicting place to be if you strongly identified with your individuality and strength when you were younger and feel you've been reduced to a sliver of your former personality in the shell of a person who gets put last after everyone else's needs. In some cases, just standing up for one or two minor issues like a girls' weekend with old friends or taking a part-time job can bring about a rift big enough to cause divorce and havoc to your children's lives.
Not to say, of course, that all marriages end up like that. But all marriages require compromise, and compromise requires good communication. And that requires a level of work that can get shoved aside after ten+ years and three kids.
I feel sorry for your friends. BUT I don't think it has to turn out that way for everything. I think those of us that meet their significant other a little later in life have more success. There are several books devoted to the topic. Those women didn't get to experience enough of life outside of being married and having babies. That's why us unmarried folks should really start to enjoy the here and now!
We need a few believers in this sad, cynical world of ours. I wonder if it's not the day and age we live in. Think back to the 80's when people just LOOKED happier and more carefree judging by their hair alone! All I could hear after reading this was a little bit of Journey. Don't ever stop believin', sista! ;)
I'm so glad you had a positive note from a positie friend! It is a bit disheartening when you hear from people who you remember as being so full of life, and it seems somehow that life has gotten the best of them. It makes me happy I'm me, but sad all the same.
I hope to continue to have the positive viewpoint of your friend the nurse :) Congrats to her!
I love this post. I'm a total cynic, and it's so true..that line about broken hearts...I feel that. And yet, deep down, I WANT to believe. I am working on being more positive this year and I've enjoyed your recent messages.
Good for you. Happy 2011!
Hi TCG - hmm how best to address this one. There are certain elements in life, like hope, expectation and realization. And depending upon what life throws at you and the type of person you are and one's natural disposition to view the glass as "half full or half empty", you'll either remain hopeful or spiral down a darker hole. For example, if your expectation is that things won't get better, you'll become more cynical and brooding. If you realize that things could get better, your mood will be better. I suppose it comes down to the person and their general outlook.
Definitely important to surround yourself with positive people. You can't be pulling everyone else up, ya know... anyway, congrats on finding a good one, and here's to hoping he stays that way in 2011 :-)
I LOVED this post. Too often we forget that we can simply change our attitude or we can let the challenges in life consume us. Thank you so much for your thoughtful post and for looking at life so positively. I hope that I always share that positive attitude and feeling that life is good and worth smiling about! =)
i loved the end of this post, you are right, without the belief that you won't ever give up, sometimes the impossible goes away and things become possible.
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