suck at blogging. It's the truth and I'm sorry. Life has taken me many different places and lots has happened. I see an old draft posted the other day. I've finally caught up on comments and e-mails.. THANK YOU. And a very special thank you to T for re-designing the banner. :)
Sorry for no updates but they are coming...trust me..and there's a lot. Hope May has been good to everyone so far. Spring brings hope... and change!
We all know I went off the deep end after losing the job from hell. Why anyone would go off the deep end after leaving such an awful job is beyond me. But hey, it happened. Again, the one professional I talked to last month who knows my whole life story told me I've just had too many blows.
We all know an attitude of gratitude is the best way to be and so I'll focus on just that here.
Because for some strange reason I woke up this morning missing the routine, the work thing, not just the paycheck but I guess the routine I once had. (Until I remember this.......)
#10. Getting on the stinky, smelly subway, with pedophile type looking guys wearing sunglasses right on top of you, packed in like a sardine and ready to have a panic attack.
#9. The crazy guy in the office next door to me who used to mumble at me, shake his head uncontrollably when I would say 'good morning' and pace back and forth for an abnormal amount of time mumbling in the small kitchen.
#8. Listening to disgruntled employees complain all day and bad mouth each other left and right. Working for the most disrespectful louses I have ever met.
#7. The lady who heated up freaking tuna fish in the microwave for lunch all the time and the fact that I never found one good lunch place downtown...ever.
#6. The jam packed sidewalks of downtown area with douchebag jerks in pink shirts flying by you
on their phones thinking they are oh-so-important.
#5. Being told by co-workers, "You are treated like such shit here, you realize that, don't you?" (yes that was constantly said to me).
#4. Entering the 'land of darkness' as I would call it on the days N. used to drive me down, as we drove to Water street on to Wall Street to the land of the soul-less schmucks.
#3. The non-stop flirting with guys and crazy stories from mentally unstable former female colleague of how she cheated on this one ex, stalked another, had another ex tell her he hated her so much he wished she would die, her narcisistic self and stories about the all exes and gosh did I feel badly for those poor exes.
#2. Sitting all day behind a computer and some days not only barely moving, but barely feeling alive.
I never have to work around one of these again:
I didn't mean to go this incredibly long without writing and I am sorry. Life got crazy. In a good way. I posted a couple and sections of the posts got jumbled together and then just took a long computer break.
Back to my last post... Boy, I think I actually pulled off a successful April Fool's prank! ?? I know some didn't believe it but looks like I got a few. hehehehe (and seriously I do apologize as I got a couple of comments that readers were left feeling very sad and that was not my intention. I am just a pain in the ass prankster. I'm sorry).
See, those who know me in real life avoid me like the plague on April 1st. Or if I fool them it lasts a couple of seconds 'til they realize what the date is. I actually pulled another good one on a former colleague who also left Crazytown. More on that next time.
So hopefully you don't all hate me after that. N. and I are good, thanks! He's still the best darn thing that's ever happened to me. Luckily (hopefully) he doesn't read the blog or else he would be pissed too with my latest prank. He keeps trying to motivate me to write the book and you know what? That creative make- believe type of writing was actually fun and came easier to writing real life stuff. It was like a scene you would be crushed by in one of those mindless chick lit books. I mean after all, my life is about as exciting as a box of crayons so that was surely the most exciting post you have ever read since the one where I met N which feels like ages ago!
More on everything..in a couple weeks as it is too difficult to get access to write. No, they haven't committed me (yet) and I am happy to say that depression has been cured. Seems my 'natural' plan worked and Springtime sure helps too.
I am overseas... More on that later too. I miss blogging and you all.. so thanks for coming back -- See you in a few weeks and Happy Spring!
Well, I have made the decision to permanently move out here. That's right. Leaving the big city and my little Tudor City behind.
See, there isn't much left there. And here's why...
Over the weekend I went back into town. Now this is a really small, somewhat sleepy town. And who did I see again? Yes, the cop. Let's call him Hulk, as I couldn't stop looking at his h-u-g-e arms. This time around I wasn't so shy. I actually approached him. We started talking and he asked me to grab a bite to eat at the local bar with him after his shift was over.
Hey, I've been living in a house with crazy screaming people. How could I pass this up?
So I waited at the place called Sam's not sure if he would even show. Sure enough he showed up. He was interesting, funny, and a bit too charming. He looked different in his t-shirt and not his cop uniform and still I couldn't get over those guns-- whoa.
So dinner turned into a couple of hours and a couple of drinks. I was feeling sort of guilty and also a little worried- I hadn't heard from N in almost a whole day.
The weird thing is I was actually having fun. I haven't had fun out at night in quite a while.
He must have had at least 3 drinks when he asked me, 'so when are you moving out here?'
The thought did cross my mind, I told him.
He then got up once again to use his phone. Probably has 2 girlfriends wondering where he is, I thought.
He was gone so long, I checked my phone. Finally a text back from N in reply to why I haven't heard from him.
His text: "Where are you?"
Me: California, where do you think I am?
N: No, where exactly right now?
Me: Out in town. Having dinner.
N: Alone or with the crazy crew?
Me: Pretty much alone
N: What's the name of the place?
N: Just wanna know the name
N: Well hopefully you're not with Sam. Have fun
Strange texting. He sounded pissed. Seems distant lately. Oh well.
Hulk was gone at least 15 minutes by that time. Rude really but hey, this wasn't a date. When he gets back he apologizes for 'the calls', then goes up to get us more drinks.
Right then I see a super tall guy walking around the bar area with hair that resembles....N. It can't be. What the #*(^ ? It just can't be. He looks confused, nervous. He sees me and suddenly his face turns from a look of uncertainty to a big smile, as I must have looked worse than shocked. He comes up to me, grinning and I am thinking.....
I have GOT to get away from this bar table. He gives me a hug.. I'm ready to grab my bag and bolt but just at that moment Hulk comes back with our 2 wines. A look of surprise on both their faces as I try to introduce one to the other. Hulk says, " He looks pissed. I think you better go now".
N and I leave. In total silence. He walks to his rental car. Doesn't even invite me in.
"Alone, huh? How long have you known him?"
I try to explain. Nothing works.
"You told me you always wanted a romantic surprise. So I finally did it. And to tell you more - I flew here to propose to you. But I find the truth out about you here with this musclehead jerk who is busting through his t-shirt trying to wine you up. At least my plane ticket was worth it. To find out the truth about you".
Propose?? He was finally over the commitment-phobia and going to propose ??? I didn't believe him. So I said it -- Propose-- to me-- tonight?? Are you serious??
'Yes', he said so sadly and he took out from his pocket a ring box, threw it on his car seat and then just....drove away.
It was heart crushing. I called him, texted him. Nothing.
And just like that Script song I used to love. I can say it myself now.. I've got nothing.
Nothing to return for...
To be continued tomorrow -- with a special postscript~
It kind of looks like a mountain lion...doesn't it? Doesn't it??
So the construction guy let me cut through and I went down the hill the other way clear of the deer.
And then I see something you always see - never when you need it, but always when you don't.
Yep, a police car.
At this point I'm in an exclusive neighborhood of multi-million dollar homes you can't even see beyond their gates. I'm trying to find my way down the hills and pretty soon it will be getting dark. Sure enough the cop stops me, "Where are you coming from? That road is closed up there". So I explained my delusion of a mountain lion and cutting through all the barriers. He laughed.
"Let me give you a lift down the hills". Now I don't care if he is in a cop car. Any cop could be a psycho -- after all, look at the Cannibal Cop in NY! So I declined. He asked me again and I said I was fine to walk back down on my own. I told him he was lucky to live in such a gorgeous area. He said, 'heck, I don't live here, only the rich people live here'. I tell him, "You're lucky to work here though, you should have seen where I used to work'. And suddenly for the first time in weeks the awful images of that depressing, dark, dreary street I worked at popped into my mind.
"Where was that?", he said. "New York City.. Wall Street, actually...it was awful".
"Oh, so you're a big city girl?"
At this point I'm thinking this cop is being flirtatious. See, I don't really flirt anymore and am never really flirted with anymore either. Heck, I don't get out much.
And, I must add he is awfully cute. Now if this was the old TCG back in the pre-N days, I sure could have some fun with this.
He asks me where I'm headed and I say by the Yacht Club. Why I say that, I don't know but I remember seeing it before I started up the hills. So he directed me back down towards the club and I went on my way.
50 minutes later I make it towards the Club. And sure enough who is there but the cop sitting in his car. Now I'm thinking he either thinks I was casing out the neighborhood and wanted to make sure I made it back down, or he is just really bored in a small town and has nothing better to do. So I can tell he sees me and I wave. I could have easily walked in his direction but felt shy, and/or weirded out. So I walk the other way and hear that cop car engine pulling up behind me.
"Glad you made it back before dark". "Thanks", I tell him and wish him a good night. "Heading back to NY soon?" "Unfortunately" I tell him. Even though I don't know when I'm going back but probably sooner than later since 6 of us cannot co-exist peacefully in that small house.
I'm no fun, I thought as off he drove and does a sort of salute with his hand towards me.
The rest of the way back I kept thinking his car was going to pull up next to me again.
But it didn't. I could have had some fun with this. Asked him to meet up and tell me more about the area. The eye candy was nice. But N is nicer. :)
Well, they're back. Back home. The quiet for Buddy and me has ended. The best thing about this tiny house they live in, is there is a pathway behind it leading all along the water and the second I get out of this house and on to that pathway along the water, the biggest wave of relief comes over me. Peace and quiet. Tranquility you can't have in a small house with 3 screaming kids and a father who yells more than anyone I've ever heard before.
So I went out for my walk alone up into the hills. I decided to take the 'secret steps' (really, it is so cool here- they have all these hidden staircases you can climb to get to the top of the hills). Once I get back on to the main street I come to a dead end with an amazing view. As I turn around, I jump so high and scream so loud at a huge, strange looking animal darting out at me. A mountain lion, I thought!!! I have an irrational fear of mountain lions and bears..don't ask me why.
So I started backing away, while facing it, because if I ran away, wouldn't it chase me? It then starts walking backwards...away from me. I call N, asking if I should call the police. What good calling N would do me, I have zero idea. N, the ever-investigator then googles the street area I am on and says to me, 'seems in 2010 a mountain lion was reported in a park by there'. (yeah, 2010) So then I completely freak out. I'm on a dead-end barricaded street. I have to walk by the area to get myself back.
So do I call the police or knock on someone's door? Or do I decide to come to my senses and rationally think does a mountain lion look like a deer? But wouldn't a deer run away from me when it saw me and not watch me? At this point I am just standing there frozen. There are houses nearby but I am leaning towards shaking sense into my paranoid mind and realizing this animal was just a deer. However, I've never had a deer come up that close to me and who says deer can't attack? So then I see its tail again -- eating something-- it looks like, yes...,,a deer.
The street is dead-ended because there is construction going on. So I walk past all the barriers, that are over looking a cliff, and probably putting myself into more danger here doing this than just walking past the deer/delusional mountain lion. So a construction guy screams out to me that the road is closed. I tell him about the animal back the other way and that I need to cut through the construction. He sort of laughed when I said it looked like a deer. "Where are you from? There are deer all over here", he said.
Gosh, I've probably lived in NY City too long, I tell him.
At least I gave the guy a good laugh. What happens next, I'll tell you next time....
(for fear this post is going to be wayy too long) :)
So he let me cut through and I went down the hill the other way clear of the deer.
And then I see something you always see - never when you need it, but definitely when you don't.
Yep, a police car.
At this point I'm in an exclusive neighborhood of multi-million dollar homes. It's starting to get dark. He stops me, "Where are you coming from? That road is closed up there". So I explained my delusion of a mountain lion and cutting through all the barriers. He laughed. "Let me give you a lift down the hills". Now I don't care if he is in a cop car. Any cop could be a psycho -- after all, look at the Cannibal Cop in NY City! So I declined. He asked me again and I said I was fine to walk back down on my own. I told him he was lucky to live in such a gorgeous area. He said, 'heck, I don't live here, only the rich people live here'. I tell him, "You're lucky to work here though, you should have seen where I used to work'. And suddenly for the first time in weeks the awful images of that depressing, dark, dreary street I worked at popped into my mind.
"Where was that?", he said. "New York City.. Wall Street, actually...it was awful".
"Oh, so you're a big city girl?"
At this point I'm thinking this cop is being flirtatious. And, I must say he is awfully cute. Now if this was the old TCG back in the pre-N days, I sure could have some fun with this.
N. seemed quite surprised that I sounded so happy last night on the phone. I told him I'm going to start to look for work out here. I did this to sense his reaction to my moving out here and also said it because it's partly true. It would be great to work out here. I know I'm not cut out for the Manhattan workforce. If you could ever have gotten a more complete opposite of your typical Wall Street type working at that little job I had on Wall Street- it would be me. I could win an award for the least Type A personality type in Manhattan. I also work to live (well, used to) and not live to work as so many people seemed to in NY.
Here the people seem so laid back. But then I hear of strange things in San Fran like they regularly have costume days at work, and moustache days (?) and people ride their bikes all through the city naked. But hey, at least they're fun! At my old job my colleagues had personalities like bricks. I don't think I laughed once after Crazy Larry left the second year of my job.
All I know is I love it out here. I would do anything to get a job. I'm thinking something outdoors. Crushing grapes in Napa Valley. Picking oranges. Finding the good, simple life in the sunshine state.
I was sitting by the water..just me, computer and Buddy and thinking this is all I need. I actually feel happy. Maybe because it's just a few days, but if I were to have N. and my parents move out here we could all live one big happy life in the sunshine state forever!
So when I called back N to ask him if he had any desire to move out here and he said, 'no but maybe someday', I was shattered. I went on and on about how life out here (which I've experienced a whopping 4 days of, mostly isolated) is soo much better, how the people (which I have talked to one person) out here are sooo much nicer, and the weather (which my sister says 'just plain sucks') is soo much better.
I then called my parents, trying to work on them. After all, their other (the one I call favorite) daughter and grand kids are all out here, that gives me more to convince them with. I told them we could all buy a villa in wine country, my dad could finally retire and I would work to support them. It would be one big happy family in a happy state.
'At least you sound happy out there', my dad said.
I could be the spokesperson for the State of California and sell moving out here quite well.
Although I guess I completely failed at convincing N or my parents to even think about it.
Maybe the grass is always greener? I don't know but I do think life would be better out here.