Detox Time

Every year I say I won't overeat and an hour after Thanksgiving dinner I am in a food coma, asleep, saying I won't eat the next 3 days. (That usually lasts until 11:00 am the next day when I hit the leftovers).

Ah, the holidays. Although Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, I don't do too well with the rest of the holiday season. Really this year I want to feel the holiday cheer but I will probably feel more like Scrooge, as I did last year.
I tend to regress a bit at home for the holidays. I certainly did towards the end of the day when my brother in law grated on my nervse so badly I resorted to a prank I hadn't pulled since I was 12 years old.

I'm getting away to Newport (yay!) for the weekend and after this past month's reflections (below in numbers) one can see that I am in much need of a get-away, as it has been wayy too long.

# of interview offers this past month: 0

# of times I have doubted my sanity for deciding to keep living in NYC on zero income with benefits ending: 137

# of annoying men from the past who have strangely popped up the past week: 3

# of times it seems you have to ignore them before they go away: at least 5

# of calories consumed on Tday - Approximately 12,411

# of hour spent raking parent's yard - 11 total

# of hours needed of raking to actually burn off holiday weekend consumption: 46

# of times family member mentioned, "another holiday still single" or "really, don't you think you want to get married someday?": 4

# of times I thought to myself, "holy shit, this is like the 7th year in a row- maybe I never will have anyone again to bring over to a holiday dinner": 87

# of times I looked at my sister and increasingly annoying bro-in-law, screaming kids and baby and thought, "heck no, maybe I don't want marriage": 35

Cost of my dessert versus sister's $35 cake bought from fancy bakery: $4
(just open a can of pumpkin and a pie crust, it tasted better too)

Cost of seeing my bro-in-law's face when he drank the soda that I had secretly poured salt into: Priceless

Gratitude

Glad some of you like the idea. Really, it helps.

Ten more popped into my head this morning:

1. Two arms and two legs. I saw someone in a wheelchair this morning. And I complain about stupid things like not feeling like going to yoga, or having to walk the hour home. Never again.

2. Sanity. Well, okay, some of you can definitely argue this one if you have been reading my blog but I was reading an article about mental illness- schizophrenia, etc. It made me really grateful that (so far) I don't have potential of being locked away or anything. Seriously, mental health is just as important as physical.

3. Working out/yoga. I'm glad I'm commited to it. It does something to my chemicals. Sort of like a natural anti-depressant, which God knows I need most days.

4. Unemployment benefits and the fact they agreed to extend me for 6 more weeks.

5. Our armed forces. Sometimes I think they go forgotten. They give up their lives for us and so far have prevented more terrorist attacks.

6. The internet. How did we do things before it?

7. A good NYC slice of pizza.

8. Peppermint hot cocoa from Starbucks although now I am too cheap so I make my own and sorry Starbucks, it comes out just as good.

9. Cooking - I love it and when someone cooks for me!

10. Thanksgiving! The turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes and desserts...Did I mention I can't wait?!

Okay, so the last few were all about food. Well it only figures with me. Ten more tomorrow. Notice how when you do your 10 how abundant you'll feel!

A Hangover Free Weekend....Amazingly

It's absolutely amazing. I made it through the rough patch without any booze. Although the helpful advice of Malbec, vodka and flirtinis I will definitely be taking to heart this week..Most likely starting with a Thanksgiving eve get-together with old friends. I think a mental escape and much needed fun is in order.

So enough of my complaing...This sucks, that sucks, there are no jobs out there, I'm going to go broke, my love life is disastrous, on and on..

I wrote about on here before about starting a gratitude journal. How when your life is down in the dumps during such things as loss, unemployment, breakups, you need to focus on what you DO have and are grateful for.

Can't believe it's Thanksgiving week already. Really the only holiday I love. It's my favorite, naturally because it involves food and eating the entire day away. But there is also no pressure, no gifts to give and get, just a nice meal with those you (although they at times drive you crazy) love.
So this week I'm just focusing on giving thanks. Have so much to be thankful for really. I'm going to list 10 things each day.

1. My family and their health
2. My dad's successful (thank God) recovery from cancer a few years back.
3. My friends - old and my wonderful new ones in the city.
4. The friends I've made through this blog who have lifted me up.
5. Health - that I've remained healthy during one year of not being insured (big knock on wood here)
6. Food
7. Living in a country where we're free
8. A warm home to come home to.
9. Losing my job. Yes, it's true- the place was insane and looking back I think I had lost all sanity which would have enabled me to get out on my own.
10. N. - The wonderful story of our meeting and my prayers being answered that I finally after all these years met a truly nice, respectful guy. No matter where it all goes I will always be grateful for this.

Ten more tomorrow and the days to come...Which I can't think of right now but sure they will come to me, wacky as some might be.
Think up your top 10 tonight before bed. Bet you'll wake up happier!

Reality can sometimes completely and totally....suck

I prefer to keep my head in the clouds. Keep thinking positively, even if I am being naive and blind to all that's going on around me. I'm happier this way. Sometimes I think it's the only thing that keeps me going. See, when you're unemployed this long, keeping a positive outlook is essential.

"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." That's a quote by Randy Pausch I love.

Another line of his that strikes me is that no matter how bad things are, you can always make things worse. At the same time, it is often within your power to make them better.

So very true, isn't it? I think I just need to focus on making them better.

What a week it has been but damn that heart crushing feeling is a good diet!
I think I should take my San Francisco friend's advice on here and hit the vodka at this rate, forget the Malbec.
I thank everyone for the well wishes and support and wish all the best for those too also saying they are going through diffult times. And I wish everyone.....
to forget their problems and just make it a great weekend!

The Truth Can Set You Free

Thanks so much, everyone. Really I appreciate it and will respond back sometime soon.

My good friend said that it's amazing how you can be so crushed by news but one morning you wake up with a whole new perspective. I am thinking this is what magically happened to me this morning. I woke up better than I have all week - did yoga and actually ate and feel a peace that everything will be okay. Again, I wish I could share more but learned the hard way that my blog is not totally anonymous as I'd like, so have to respect privacy.

I've learned before to never ignore my gut feeling. Follow it, ask questions if something feels off with someone. If they're a good person, they will let you know the truth. And the truth always sets us free.

I trust that everything happens for a reason. We meet certain people for a good reason. They teach us things. We teach them. I've gained such wonderful memories I never will forget. I think during our hardest and most lonely times, God puts strangers into our lives to become friends and sometimes more. They help lift you through and no matter how the situation I'm going through turns out in the end, I will always be so grateful I met who I did, when I did.

So anyway, I've been reading a lot and meaning to write a book discussion on here. Would love to hear from others some good reads. That will be next week.
Seems all I keep picking are depressing books, which at this time is the last thing I need. So I picked up some Wayne Dwyer, if I'm spelling that right, and Joel Osteen to help get the positive mind back.

Last night I finished The Last Lecture. The points Randy Pausch makes can't be more right on. If only I could always live this way, if we all could, the world would be a much better place. I look at all my mistakes lately and know these are the things I really do need to strive for.

Always tell the truth - Yes, easier said than done but I see how even white lies need to stop

Loyalty is a two-way street

All you have to do is ask

Don't care what other people think

Dream Big

Never give up

My all-time favorite in this book is the advice Randy would give to his daughter when she is a teenager. This took me wayyyy too many years to learn. In fact, I just finally learned it this last year.
His female colleague told him, "It took me a long time, but I've finally figured it out. When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do".

On my favorite blog subject - dating, that right there really says it all.

Ouch

Thank you, to everyone.

Let me quote what one friend commented on here:
"Actions are the windows into people. Words are their defenses" - that's some wise shit!

Nothing can be more true.

I'm sorry. I'm not much fun lately. I can't even talk about it much on here in order to respect people's privacy. I haven't returned friend's phone calls, can't seem to talk to my parents. I have completely shut out everyone and everything. Even food. You know it's bad when I give up food. Food is like the highlight of my days. I haven't been able to eat in two.
I've just had a bunch of overly upsetting stuff happen at once. It's that crushing heartbreak pain when you feel as if you've been punched in the stomach and you can't eat or sleep and if you do sleep, you wake up every hour hoping it is all just a bad dream. I so forgot what it felt like, as it has been so many years and here I am again.

So I'm not in a good place. I'm not good with letting go. Never have been.
I remind myself that this too shall pass... I just wish it were soon....

Self Awareness - Tough but can be a good thing

I've been hit with the reality (and was lucky enough to have someone point it out) of my immaturity lately with the guy thing, my confusion and my fear.
I think much stems from damn fear once again. Also being unemployed as well as simply well over a year of this is not good for the mind.

I came to the realization that yes, I have finally found someone who cares but he distances himself from me at times. Sometimes I felt I was so much happier to see him than he was me. I finally brought approached this. And now I have my answer.

Again, fear. It invades us all at times. And can ruin potentially good things.

Maybe the hopeless romantic dreamer had to be hit by something so incredibly crushing to gain some sense. I wish I could go into detail but I have to respect other's privacy. I'm taking some time alone out of the city to clear my head. Realizing the lesson I've learned in life before - that we only really have ourselves in this life to make us happy.